


Just Say Something to Me

by WhiteHotBlueFlame



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Human, Comfort, F/F, Hollstein - Freeform, Love, Muteness, Social Anxiety, selective mutism
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-11
Updated: 2016-04-11
Packaged: 2018-05-13 07:27:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 72,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5700022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhiteHotBlueFlame/pseuds/WhiteHotBlueFlame
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It starts with words, a sentence, a greeting; we all know that. You can’t have a relationship without a starting point. They say communication is key and use your words. Those phrases were like a slap in the face to Carmilla. It’s not that she doesn’t have words, it’s that using them with people, certain people, most people, was terrifying.  She was fine in certain situations, when she was comfortable. She gets by, using her cellphone for things, signing if she had to, she’d made it to college with this method of communication. She’s a selective mute; communication just requires her to be in her comfort zone. One that Laura was very much not a part of. Yet.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Housing and texts

**Author's Note:**

> I don't actually know for sure how long this will be. You and I are both on the edges of our seats to find that one out. Shouldn't be more than 2 or 3 chapters I think (this sentence is totally a lie. but i' not going to delete it). Just an idea I had bouncing around in my head. Feel free to let me know what you think. I proofread my own work. If you find mistakes, feel free to let me know about them, or not (whichever makes you happy). Thanks for reading and enjoy.

It starts with words, a sentence, a greeting; we all know that. You can’t have a relationship without a starting point. They say communication is key and use your words. Those phrases were like a slap in the face to Carmilla. It’s not that she doesn’t have words, it’s that using them with people, certain people, most people, was terrifying. Books didn’t judge, they were silent like she was; they were comforting. She was fine in certain situations, when she was comfortable. When she’s with people she knows, she’s sarcastic and playfully abrasive, quick-witted, caring and even friendly.

When it first started, her teachers implied that she was just rebelling. She was living after a tragedy and clearly, just wanted the attention focused squarely on her. That was the opposite of the truth, she wanted less attention; she didn’t want the focus on her at all. The more they pushed her, the less she spoke. She sat quietly in a therapist’s office, as they tried to talk to her about things, anything, but usually her mother. They pushed and pushed, the anxiety that came with speaking got worse and worse. She got by, using her cellphone for things, signing if she had to, she’d made it to college with this method of communication. She’s a selective mute; communication just required her to be in her comfort zone. One that Laura was very much not a part of. Yet.

Carmilla had resigned herself to admire from afar. She’d seen the girl around campus, at the library, in the commons, leaving classrooms as Carmilla entered them. The girl had caught her eye immediately. The way her face lit up when a smile crossed her features, the caramel colored hair highlighted with simple honey tones that caught the sunlight just right, the sun-kissed skin and pale pink lips, Carmilla found it hard to look away from her when she happened to be in Carmilla’s vicinity. One of the times she spotted Laura she’d asked her brother if he knew her, he smiled and teased her but didn’t know the girl Carmilla had pointed out. Carmilla sighed dejectedly. It took asking Kirsch before she found out who Laura was, Kirsch who had classes with the girl who seemed like walking sunlight. She’d walked around with the knowledge for the remainder of the year, but was unable to do anything with it. The school year ended and she filled out her housing request for the next year, requesting the same single room she’d been in for the past two years.

The summer passed uneventfully. Carmilla worked in the library, stacking, sorting, checking new arrivals, anything that didn’t require her to talk to anyone. She saw Laura every so often, as she took summer session classes. The tiny girl curled up in the corner of the library with a text book and a package of cookies never failed to make her smile. She’d tried to work up the nerve to speak to the beautiful girl but could never get past the anxiety weighing on her chest to actually get words out.

Two week before the start of the semester, she received her housing assignment. Crowley Hall 307. Carmilla’s eyebrows furrowed, Crowley Hall had exactly zero single rooms; it was all double or triple rooms. Carmilla’s eyes scanned the paper again, before landing on a line, a line with a name that she’d missed on her first read through. Roommate: Laura Hollis. Carmilla’s breath caught in her chest. Her roommate was going to be her, Laura, sunshine and cinnamon rolls incarnate. Carmilla squared out her breathing, hoping to avoid a panic attack. The only way to get this rearranged so she would have a single room was to call, there was no way she was going to do that. She sighed softly.

A week later while she worked in the library, she received her first text message from Laura.

 **Unknown number (12:52):** Hey! It’s Laura! Um, I mean I’m Laura Hollis. I’m going to be your roommate. I thought we could get to know each other a bit and stuff before the semester.

She read and reread the message a few times, her eyebrow arching delicately. _At least she didn’t call._ Carmilla’s mind was turning nervously as she looked down at her phone. _Should I respond? Wait for another text?_ Carmilla imagined Laura smiling down at her phone before grumbling softly to herself and starting her response. She wasn’t sure how to have a conversation with Laura. She wasn't sure how she'd come off via text. She shrugged, trying to figure out what to say; she typed things in only to delete those things moments later.

 **To Laura (13:19):** Hey ~~Sweetheart~~ Cutie. ~~I won’t be getting that single I wanted~~ ~~Yep. Looks like we’re roomies.~~ ~~Well?~~ What all do you want to know?

Carmilla nodded to herself after she hit send. It was simple. Besides she wasn’t sure what to ask Laura. She didn’t want answers to things she already knew, but she definitely wanted to unravel Laura, in more ways than one. Laura responded almost immediately.

 **Laura (13:20):** Everything. I mean we’re going to be living together. This is going to be great. So tell me everything, dark tragic backstory? Deep dark secrets? If you were really a clone, one of many, would you want to know? Oh, we’ll start simple! Favorite color? Author? You know stuff like that. Tell me about you.

Carmilla chuckled as she read Laura’s text, imagining it in her voice, picturing her eyes alight as she spoke. She couldn’t help the knot forming in her stomach at Laura’s mention of tragic backstories and deep dark secrets. Laura didn’t know, how could she, but now Carmilla had a chance to get to know the girl she’d been admiring from afar. And she didn’t have to speak to do it. It wasn’t a chance she could pass up.

 **To Laura (13:23):** Haha Cupcake. You’re something. Favorite color is black. Books are a personal enjoyment of mine. I imagine asking me to pick a favorite author would be the same as asking you to pick a favorite baked good. It’s just not a valid question. As for all about me, I’ll answer your questions but I have to keep some of my secrets, otherwise how will I keep my air of mystery? ;)

Laura’s eyes flicked to her phone, as it vibrated across the table at which she sat with a lit up screen. She grabbed it excitedly, meeting new people was always something she loved. Her eyes scanned the text and then reread it a second and third time. _She’s? Is she? Could she be flirting with me? Wait. How did she know I like sweets?_ Laura reread the screen again before sending her response.

 **Laura (13:26):** Black isn’t a color. Or well according to my friend LaF (LaFontaine, they/them) black is the absence of color in the color spectrum. They’re really into science so I’ve been lectured a bunch about that. How did you know I like sweets? What’s your major? Are you going to ask questions or is it just going to be me? I mean, I guess, if you don’t want to get to know me too, that’s fine.

Carmilla’s eyes moved back and forth as she studied the text she’d just received. As she read the last line of the text over and over, she could picture Laura’s face dropping in a way she never wanted to cause. _Shit. Shit. Shit. Fuck. She thinks I don’t want to get to know her. Crap. I need to fix that._ She exhaled audibly, sliding her phone into her back pocket and moved down the row of books she’d been working on. She put a few more books away before pulling her phone out again to respond to Laura.

 **To Laura (13:57):** Well from what I know, your friend LaF (they/them noted) is right, black is technically achromatic. It’s still my favorite color. You seem like the type to like baked goods, and a good sugar high, going by your upbeat texts, cupcake. Am I wrong? Philosophy, what about yours? I want to get to know you. In fact, prove to me that you’re not just some scam catfish deal, pics or you’re not real. Besides I need a contact photo for you anyway.

Laura’s eyes widened at the length of the text that had just come through on her newly updated phone. _That’s, like, really long._ A smile crept along her lips as she read the text carefully. She chuckled softly, earning some looks from people around her. _A picture? Well, it would be nice to put a face to the unusual name._

 **Laura (14:02):** Ok. But really since I got you phone number from the university, it should already be clear that I’m not messing with you, but I get it safety first. My dad would agree. Picture coming your way. But since I’m sending you one, it’s only fair you send me one so I have a contact photo for you.

Carmilla’s eyes widened at the picture Laura had sent. She was sitting at a plain wooden table, books spread out around her, her hair, the color of butterscotch and mahogany, framing her slightly rounded sun-kissed face, her face graced by a smile that could warm the coldest of hearts on the darkest of winter days; she wore an army green tank top leaving her arms bare for the heat of the summer. Her eyes drank in the picture, moving back and forth trying to take in every detail. Carmilla could finally see Laura’s eyes clearly, they were better than she could have ever imagined; they were a mix of milk chocolate and whiskey swirled with caramel and honey, the color lit as though they each had their own light source. Carmilla leaned gently against the bookcase she had been working at, taking a picture before returning her phone to her pocket so she could continue to work. It vibrated once as she reached for a book.

Laura’s phone danced across the table as it vibrated gently. Laura’s reaction was quick as she jumped to pick up her phone, flicking the unlock icon before her phone was in front of her face. Her eyes jumped straight to the girl in the middle of her screen. Carmilla’s dark chocolate flecked espresso eyes drew her gaze immediately, Carmilla’s gaze was intense, her pale, angled face held a knowing smirk. Laura’s eyes traveled the length of the picture, taking in the full aesthetic, Carmilla’s face was framed by loose onyx curls with natural sun-kissed highlights scattered sparsely, her jawline was as impressive as the work of a master artist, her shoulder were draped in a loose v neck, black and gray shirt that hung off to one side revealing a black bra strap and her thin pale shoulder that Laura’s eyes traced. _Wow._ Laura took a deep breath, letting it out slowly as she finally noticed the background of the photo. Carmilla was leaning against a bookshelf, a very institutional looking bookshelf, all gray-green metal. Laura looked around herself, noticing the bookshelves surrounding the lair (as the students called it), the library commons as it was actually called.

Carmilla was moving down the row of shelves, placing books back in their places, adding books to the pile she had before her. She felt her pocket vibrate again and again. She bit back on the smile that formed on her lips at the thought that Laura was messaging her as she pulled her phone from her pocket.

 **Laura (14:02):** No. You’re not wrong, I do love cookies, baked goods and hot chocolate (favorite drink by the way). I’m impressed you could tell that about me via text. You’re messing with me on that aren’t you? :P I haven’t declared a major yet. I know I should I mean I’m starting my second year and still haven’t figured it out. My dad is pushing me towards something he says is safe and reliable, Marketing. Totally not my deal. I like Mass Communications. I might do that with a focus on Journalism. I don’t know though, seems like a pretty big decision, I don’t want to pick anything I’m unsure of. Wow I just rambled via text at you… oops. Sorry, Carm.

 **Laura (14:29):** Wow.

 **Laura (14:29):** Wait. No. I mean. Well, I mean the wow. It’s true. But. Are you in the library?

 **Laura (14:29):** What I mean is, I’m in the library too. :D

Carmilla smiled broadly at the rambling text Laura had sent her, knowing this girl was something else. Her mind was already on how she was going to respond to Laura as she read through the other three texts that Laura had sent. Her face warmed at the first; her mind stuttered at the next two. _Oh. She’s here._ Carmilla couldn’t help the smile on her face as she looked around realizing that Laura couldn’t be too far from her. Her smile dropped just as quickly as it had risen. _If she’s here, she might want to meet, if we meet, she’ll want words. She’ll want me to speak._ Carmilla’s mind started swirling, she could feel the knot form in the pit of her stomach. _This was going so well._ Carmilla typed up her response to the first rambling text as she thought about the next ones.

 **To Laura (14:37):** Haha yeah I was just messing with you, cupcake. Nothing in your texts screams I like sugar more than normal. I might have already had a clue as to who you were. Maybe. But it’s good to have unconfirmed information solidified as facts. (Also hot chocolate noted, I assume you’ll keep some in the room (that I can steal ;))) As for your major, don’t worry, you’ve got time, but don’t let your dad dictate what you do for that. It’s your life. And the rambling was definitely cute, sweetheart.

 **To Laura (14:39):** Yeah. I’m at the library. I work here, cutie.

Carmilla sighed softly as she hit send. Maybe if she didn’t mention anything else about it, Laura would leave it as information she had received and not search her out. Carmilla mentally crossed her fingers that Laura wouldn’t come looking for her to start a conversation, expecting her to speak. Carmilla had only just started barely speaking to her boss, and even then it was stilted and difficult despite having worked at the library for about two years. She just had to hope Laura wasn't the sort to come rummaging through the stacks to solve a mystery. She wasn’t known for her luck though.

Laura stared down at the book she was studying, it was summer session finals week and though she was keeping up, she felt woefully behind. Her lit course had been killing her as the prof had condensed three months’ worth of material into a six week course. She flipped her notebook over again, reading and rereading her notes on the book she was looking at. Her vibrating phone pulled her attention away from her books, as she let out a delighted squeak while picking up her phone. She was starting to truly enjoy texting with Carmilla. Laura read and reread the texts Carmilla had sent. She seemed truly caring in the first, though tone, intention and inflection were kind of hard to read via text, Laura had an inkling from the first text that Carmilla was being sweet, kind. The second text seemed weirdly clipped. Laura looked around with a great sigh. _I think I’m due for a study break. Maybe I can find Carmilla. Maybe she and I can go for hot chocolate as a get to know you before we move in together._ Laura let a slow smile spread across her face as she stood from her chair leaving her stuff where it sat.

Laura wandered over to the circulation desk with a courteous smile. “Excuse me?” The girl, whose name escaped Laura, behind the desk looked up slowly, eyebrows raised in askance. “I’m looking for my friend, Carmilla.” Laura spoke quickly enough so as not to give herself too much time to think, time to think gave her time to doubt and time to doubt would make her ask herself too many questions. “She works here, I just wanted to say hi. I mean we’re going to be roommates and I haven’t seen her in, well, in forever. Do you know where she would be?” Laura looked at the woman before her with hope filling her eyes.

The woman grunted softly, before mumbling. “She’s on the second floor, filing and cataloging in the special collections.” She turned her attention back to the book before her before Laura could say anything else.

“Ok. Thanks, for your help!” Laura smiled brightly as she turned to the stairs at the center of the library lobby, taking them as quickly as possible. Laura made her way through the areas of the second floor of the library looking for the special collections area. Her eyes widened at how large the library truly was. She found the sign for specials collections with a grateful sigh. “Carm?” She stage-whispered as she made her way down the rows, searching. “Carmilla?” Laura turned, walking up and down rows, trying to quietly find the girl.

“Carm?” Carmilla heard the loudly whispered voice. _That’s a new one, never had a nickname like that before_. Her head snapped up in realization. Her heart raced, she vaguely recognized that voice, and it didn’t belong to either Kirsch or her brother. “Carmilla?” The voice was getting closer, and Carmilla was frozen. She tried to respond, she wanted to but her lungs were seized, her heart raced, sweat broke out on her forehead. Her mind swam with what-ifs and worries. She opened her mouth like a floundering fish, turning just as Laura arrived at the end of the aisle in which she stood. Carmilla gasped, quickly turning her back and walking around the corner of the shelf, willing herself to disappear.

Laura heard a gasp, drawing her attention, she turned quickly only to see a glimpse of what looked like a black shadow turn the corner. Laura sighed, her eyes searching as she walked carefully. She walked the aisle, following after the shadow she thought she’d seen. She turned the corner with a gentle lilt to her voice, “Carm?” Laura exhaled harshly looking around, there was no one around. Laura shrugged. Maybe she had imagined the form turning the corner. Maybe there wasn’t anyone here. Maybe Carmilla had left this area to go help someone who had a question. Laura let her shoulders drop, turning up and down another set of rows, with no luck. _I guess I should get back to studying. Maybe I’ll run into her sometime this week, she does work here._ Laura gave up her search, returning to the pile of books and notes awaiting her in the library lair.

Carmilla grinned softly as she felt her phone vibrate in her pocket. She turned back to the books she had been filing before pulling her phone out. She looked through her texts, hopefully.

 **Laura (15:34):** Thanks for the support, Carm. I’m just not ready to decide what I want to do with the rest of my life yet. And I really am not a fan of marketing, much to my father’s chagrin. It’s nice to know you don’t think it’s terrible that I don’t have everything figure out.

 **Laura (15:35):** I tried to find you in the library. Like I didn’t realize our library was so freaking massive. So that was impressive. Maybe I’ll find you some other time and we can hang out before we move in.

Carmilla groaned under her breath as she read Laura’s words. _I knew this was too good to be true._ Carmilla looked at the texts again, responding to them separately.

 **To Laura (15:46):** No worries, cupcake. I understand entirely. Families are rather hard to please at times. Mine isn’t too happy with a lot of things about me. So I can definitely understand. Definitely here if you need to talk.

Carmilla cringed internally at the last sentence of her text. She meant it, if Laura needed to talk she’d be there, but she wasn’t sure she’d be able to talk in response.

 **To Laura (15:46):** Yeah. Sorry you couldn’t find me. Maybe some other time. We’ll get hot chocolate or something.

Carmilla wasn’t sorry Laura didn’t find her, she hadn’t figured out how she was going to handle things with Laura, but she didn’t want Laura to think of her as broken or any other sort of adjective like that.


	2. Everyone has Questions.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laura's focus had been nowhere near where it needed to be this afternoon, but she couldn’t help her inattentiveness. Her new roommate seemed to be an enigma. She needed to talk to Carmilla more, at the very least to get to know her before they moved in together. The thought of Laura texting her excited and alarmed Carmilla, Laura texting her meant she’d broken the boundaries, the ones holding her in place. She could start something. She could become friends with Laura. Or, maybe their doubts will get in the way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Selective mutism is an anxiety disorder. Pretty interesting to read about. I try for a bit of accuracy but just so we all know, I sort of make it up as I go, creative writing and all. Feel free to let me know what you think. Also I proof this nonsense myself, if you find errors, you're welcome to let me know (or not, whichever floats that boat of yours). Thanks for reading and Enjoy.

Laura sighed softly at Carmilla’s response, she wasn’t sure how to read it. She wished again that she knew what Carmilla’s intonation had been, if she had been sarcastic or nonchalant or apathetic. It didn’t read apologetic entirely, really she was pretty sure it wasn’t apologetic; there was something behind it, something Laura wasn’t sure what, but something. Laura just wasn’t sure and that was making her doubt their whole line of conversation. _Maybe calling her a friend was a bit too early. Maybe it wasn’t and I’m reading too much into what I’ve been reading. I just don’t know._ Laura rolled her eyes, her focus had been nowhere near where it needed to be this afternoon, but she couldn’t help her inattentiveness. Her new roommate seemed to be an enigma. She said these caring sorts of things, but followed them with things that felt empty. Laura’s mind sorted through her thoughts. _So what do I know about her? Her favorite color is black despite its being achromatic, she might not have the best family dynamic, she’s a philosophy major, she doesn’t think I need to know what I’m doing with my life yet, she’s hotter than hellfire in the middle of a summer heatwave in the south. Yeah, way to be, Laura way to be._ Laura sighed. This was going to take more. She needed to talk to Carmilla more, at the very least to get to know her before they moved in together. And also to satisfy her own curiosity. Laura shook her head looking at her phone again. _One more text, I’ll send one more before I focus for the next few hours. But what should I say?_

Carmilla moved slowly through the stacks, knowing that her shift was finished. Her phone jostled, vibrating in her pocket as she walked. Carmilla had a feeling, she knew who it was from. The thought excited and alarmed, Laura texting her meant she’d broken the boundaries, the ones holding her in place. She could start something. She could become friends with Laura. _Friends first, then maybe more. Who am I kidding? When she finds out I don’t speak, she will want nothing to do with me. This is a limited arrangement at the very least. She’ll want someone ‘normal.’ What does that even mean anyway?_ Carmilla sighed, pulling her phone from her back pocket as she walked into the employee lounge to clock out.

**Laura (17:23):** It’s ok, Carm. Maybe some other time :)

**Laura (17:24):** How bout this? We trade questions, any kind of questions, kind of like 20 questions, only longer. You can ask me anything and, hopefully vice versa. If either of us doesn’t feel like answering, we can say so or change the topic, whatever, no harm, no foul. Sound good?

Carmilla squinted her eyes at her phone. She could do this, questions via text, she could get to know Laura on her terms. No actual speaking required, at least for now. Carmilla let a smirk take over her face as she started to type a response.

**To Laura (17:35):** Sounds like acceptable terms to me, sweetheart. Ask away. I’m all yours. ;)

Laura chuckled lightly as she packed up her books absentmindedly, reading Carmilla’s response, she felt a knot of excitement coil in her stomach. Impulsively, she quickly typed out her response, not putting too much thought into the question.

**Laura (17:36):** Are you flirting with me?

Carmilla’s eyes widened at Laura’s response. Carmilla imagined Laura blurting out the text with the moxie of a confused and oblivious teenager. The mental image roped a chuckle out of her as she exited the library.

**To Laura (17:36):** Is that your first question, cupcake?

Laura moved to stand up straight with a groan, her legs were tired, even though she’d been sitting, hours of sitting and studying could take its toll. Laura was about to toss her phone in her bag before she thought the better of it. Her phone lit up in her hand as slid it into her pocket and exited the packed library.

Laura moaned as she tossed herself onto the lumpy couch in the dorm common room. Feeling all of her muscles groan as the gravity shifted. She pulled out her phone to read Carmilla’s response. She scratched her hands down her face. She should have known this wouldn’t be easy. She really hadn’t expected anything less. She liked a challenge and usually a challenge just drew her in more. _This should be interesting_.

**Laura (17:53):** No. Maybe. Would you answer it if it was?

**Carm (17:54):** Haha. Yes, cutie.

Laura wasn’t sure what the yes was in response to; the thought brought a blush to her cheeks, staining her features in pale crimson hues that she couldn’t contain. Laura’s exhale was audible as she moved from the lounge into her own room, throwing her backpack onto her mussed bed as she slipped into the seat next to her desk. 

**Laura (18:03):** What’s your favorite class?

**Carm (18:06):** The ones that don’t require talking or participation of any sort.

Laura was pretty sure Carmilla’s answer was just the girl teasing her, clearly it was sarcasm; she was pretty sure the response wasn’t genuine. She also had the nagging feeling that the answer was the truth; she couldn’t reconcile the opposing thoughts inside of her. She shoved her bag off her bed, before laying down. _Yep. Interesting._ Laura wasn’t sure if she should acknowledge what felt to her like a non-answer, but she figured she had said no harm, no foul. 

**Laura (18:17):** What do you want to do when you finish school?

**Carm (18:17):** You.

**Laura (18:18):** WHAT?

**Carm (18:18):** Haha. Sorry, cutie. Couldn’t help myself. I don’t know. You’re not the only person who doesn’t have all of their shit figured out.

**Laura (18:26):** Lol. Not nice.

**Laura (18:26):** When you have 30 minutes of free-time, how do you pass the time?

**Carm (18:27):** I sit and enjoy dirty thoughts.

**Laura (18:28):** *sigh* You’re not making this easy.

**Carm (18:28):** Oh, sweetheart, I didn’t know you expected me to be easy.

**Carm (18:29):** In true response to your question. Depends. Daytime or nighttime?

**Laura (18:30):** Either? Both?

**Carm (18:32):** Daytime: read. Nighttime: read or look at the stars. What about you?

 

**Laura (19:57):** Oh. Sorry was having dinner. I generally hang out with friends, I do some writing, watch tv shows. Do you have a favorite constellation?

**Carm (19:58):** I do.

**Laura (19:58):** Save that for later. We’re still in the get-to-know-you phase. Hehe. Jk. What are they?

**Carm (19:59):** Perseus, Pegasus, Cassiopeia, and Orion.

**Laura (20:02):** So you like the lovers and the heroes? Intriguing.

**Carm (20:04):** Know your constellations, do you, cupcake? You sure are more than just a pretty face.

**Laura (20:05):** Actually, I looked them all up. You’ll have to point them out to me sometime. But I am definitely more than just a pretty face. :P

**Carm (20:06):** Oh, I know that.

**Laura (20:07):** Are you close with your family?

**Carm (20:41):** My brother and I are close. What about you? 

Carmilla didn’t say anything more than that and Laura didn’t ask, which Carmilla found refreshing. She could tell Laura was a journalist at heart, even if the girl hadn’t figured that out for sure, for herself. She had the instincts, she asked questions, backed off if the response wasn’t elaborated. Laura seemed to have the sense of inquiries to know where to draw the line and where not to, which would do her well as a journalist. Carmilla couldn’t help the smile working its way across her face, despite the subject matter of the question. She was delighted to be learning about the girl; she was finding she’d had every reason to admire.

**Laura (20:33):** It’s just me and my dad. We’re close. Despite his being a bit too much sometimes, I know he cares.

The conversation continued on that way; sometimes it was like pulling teeth, Carmilla seemed to avoid questions, make jokes, answer in thinly veiled innuendos or monosyllabically, occasionally ask a question in response, but it was all worth it for the times when Laura got a genuine answer. The conversation ebbed and flowed, sometimes with an hour or two between questions and responses.

Carmilla took a deep breath, reading through the text messages between Laura and herself. She’d tried not to be too snarky, she’d tried not to avoid too many questions and not to let her natural defense mechanism get to be too much. She’d tried to be genuine. There was no other way Laura would know the real her and she wasn’t sure how Laura was reading her tone. She struggled. She knew harder questions were coming. She knew Laura would only put up with so much. Her evasiveness, her lack of answers, she knew Laura would expect more. It always happened. Everyone wanted her to speak. In the end, she knew sooner or later Laura would ask why she didn’t speak, what was wrong with her, any variation of question that implied she was lesser. Carmilla knew, but for the moment she chose to forget that. She was having fun, and she was going to keep going as long as she could. She would befriend Laura; she would do the best she could not to let it get to the questions she dreaded. She would duck and dodge if she had to, until she had no choice but to reveal that she didn’t speak. She had less than a week before she moved in with Laura. _Maybe Laura will be different. Maybe she won’t ask. Maybe she won’t care if we speak, maybe it won’t bother her. And then when I’m comfortable with her, I can surprise her. I know I can get to that point._ Her mind offered as she let herself think about Laura.

**Laura (01:25):** Goodnight, Carm.


	3. Doubts and Dedication

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I have figured out this is going to be longer than 3 chapters. Because I haven't finished the actual story at the end of this chapter obviously. Peace a Pizza isn't supposed to resemble anywhere really, if it does, it was entirely accidental. For anyone who's wondering, Carmilla's trying to use desensitization to work up to talking to Laura, it's an actual method of working through selective mutism. I proof my own nonsense, so if you spot any mistakes, let me know (or don't). As always feel free to tell me what you think. and I hope you enjoy.

Three days. It had been three days. Three days of texts. Three days of worrying about Laura showing up at the library and searching Carmilla out again (which she did, once). For three days, Carmilla woke up to the sound of her phone’s text message notification; first, a good morning text at 9am followed quickly (usually within minutes) by Laura launching into a new set of question texts. Sometimes the questions evolved into various chitchat and sometimes there was no deviation from the questions; it all depended on the topics. There was almost a routine to it. The almost routine of it was nice, it was settling. But it was still almost. This morning there was nothing. Silence. It was grating on Carmilla, she couldn’t get her mind off of it. _What did I do? Did she already reach her breaking point? She hasn’t said anything about meeting up again, so it can’t be that. I mean maybe it’s that. We didn’t get hot chocolate._ Carmilla scrolled through their days of texts, trying to convince herself that she was just overreacting. She knew the thoughts she was dealing with were a bit over the top, but she couldn’t shake them. Her mind was circling them over and over.

She slid into the seat next to her obnoxiously smirking brother and their puppy like shared best friend, Kirsch, with a groan, gaining their attention momentarily. She shook her head, trying to avoid being under their scrutiny. She looked around the sparsely populated quad, they were at a shadowed table at the far edge of the green, off the beaten path and out of the way. She let out a calming breath. She looked between the two sets of eyes as they redirected themselves back to each other. Without turning back to her completely, Will raised a hand in greeting, giving her time to calm herself before he or Kirsch said anything. It was their routine, it brought her a sense of calm; it made sure she didn’t feel pressured to speak. She nodded slightly, making sure either Will or Kirsch saw the gesture.

“Hey Kitty.” Will smiled, as she glanced at her phone again. Kirsch and Will shared a glance at each other while she was distracted. “Waiting for a text?” Will’s voice was soft and playful. Carmilla’s head shot up immediately, looking back and forth between Kirsch and Will. She could see the smirk playing across their lips.

“I.” Carmilla started, her voice smoky and smooth. “Fuck. Shut up, the both of you.” She responded with her chin raised, adamant confidence. Kirsch and Will shared another look with light chuckles. They both knew how they could and how far she could be teased. It was a saving grace of theirs, it had taken a long time and a lot of work to get her to where she could talk to both of them without trouble.

“The little nerd hottie?” Kirsch smiled genuinely. Carmilla slapped his arm as she nodded. Kirsch mouthed ‘ow,’ as the smile dropped from his face and he brought his hand up to rub where she had smacked. “Sorry! I know. Laura.” Kirsch let the smile retake his visage. “How’s that going? Have you told her?” As Kirsch finished asking his question, Carmilla’s phone chirped and the screen lit.

**Laura (13:20):** Oh man. Two finals in one day. That is just criminal. And then having them start at 8am and having them back to back I’m pretty sure counts as cruel and unusual punishment and is definitely against the Geneva Convention. How’s your day going?

Carmilla’s face was still, devoid of emotion as she read the text. She smirked softly to herself before looking up at the two morons adorning the table. “It’s good. I’m hoping by the time we move in I’ll be able to speak to her, that it won’t be too overwhelming. And that I won’t have to tell her. But realistically, it’s going to take longer than that.” Carmilla exhaled softly. “A girl can dream.” She looked at the two in front of her. “And neither of you are to tell her either!” She made sure to hold their gaze, making sure to impress upon them that it was her information to tell if she decided to.

“Ok. You know we’re cool. Not a word from us.” He gestured from himself to Will and they both made the motion of locking their lips and handing her the key. Carmilla bit back on her smirk that was threatening her lips when Kirsch smirked, catching her gaze and winked. “As for little L. All I have to say is get it, girl.” Kirsch’s face immediately split into a wide goofy grin. Will couldn’t contain his laughter.

“Really?” Carmilla looked at Kirsch, her eyes filled with amused disbelief. “‘Get it girl?’ Kirsch, that is just… I have no words. I am at a loss for words. You have clearly had your brain eaten by the Zeta zombies. You should be more concerned about the loss of your gray matter. It appears to be disappearing at an alarming rate, beefcake.”

“Not cool, angry hottie.” Kirsch stuck his tongue out at her as he dodged another swat. “But at least, I’m a beefcake.” Kirsch took a moment to wink at her. “Besides you know that once a bro always a bro, whether they’re zombies or not, they’re welcome in our house.” Carmilla cracked a smirk as Will laughed outright, leading to both Will and Kirsch into doing some sort of zeta salute. “Anyway, you guys want to get some food?” Kirsch shifted his gaze back and forth between the siblings hopefully.

“First, I’m so glad I’m not into meathead. Ugh. Second, where?” Carmilla’s eyes flicked between Will and Kirsch, both of whom knew better than to give her a pitying gaze. Her mind was already moving to the idea of ordering. She hated when people spoke or tried to speak for her, but her desire to maintain her independence made restaurants more difficult. Take out and delivery had gotten so much easier as more and more places offered online ordering, but dine-in was still just as much of a pain.

“What do you feel like Carm-tastic?” Carmilla’s eyes narrowed at Kirsch’s attempt at a new nickname, he’d tried so many she was starting to accept it, but she let it slide. They tended to let her pick the food place, though they knew she was loath to be treated differently.

“How ‘bout something quick-ish, but not fast food? I’m feeling cheese and bread and garlic knots. You know health food.” Carmilla paused, letting the boys contemplate as she stood and arched an eyebrow. “So, Peace a Pizza?”

The music playing hit her in the chest as she walked in, freezing her in place for a moment. She paused, focusing on her breathing as she moved further into the restaurant. She looked around, focusing on the presence of Kirsch and Will, squaring her breathing. _Breathe. 1. 2. 3. 4. 4. 3. 2. 1. Repeat._ She stepped up into the line, her eyes travelling the gaudily decorated restaurant. High top tables sat in the window on either side of the door. The music pulsed. The walls were decorated with music notes, pictures from Woodstock, and murals of peace signs. Carmilla stepped forward as the line moved, her eyes focusing on the menu above her. She pulled out her cellphone, opened her memo app and started typing. She moved up to the front of the line and held up her phone. Her heart sped slightly as she waited for the guy to see it.

“What can I get you?” The guy behind the counter didn’t look up from the dough he was kneading, his voice gruff, but holding a friendly tone. The music blared and he kneaded the dough to the beat. _Breathe. 1. 2. 3. 4. 4. 3. 2. 1. Repeat._ Her breaths came quicker as she waited for him to notice her order. “I said, next? What can I get you?” He still didn’t look up. Carmilla’s face twisted in annoyance. _Breathe. 1. 2. 3. 4. 4. 3. 2. 1. Repeat._ She could feel her heart out pacing the music, her breaths trying to hold steady as she focused on them. Finally, the guy glanced up at the presence above him. “Look, kid just tell me what you want.” Carmilla felt her heart pick up the pace even faster, she pushed the phone towards him again, but he refused to look at it. _Breathe. 1. 2. 3. 4. 4. 3. 2. 1. Repeat._ “Look, lady, I don’t got time for this nonsense. Just speak already.”

Carmilla opened her mouth, but she knew nothing would come out; her mouth moved, but she couldn’t make herself speak. She huffed silently, her body locked as she focused on breathing, ignoring the eyes she thought she felt on her. _Breathe. 1. 2. 3. 4. 4. 3. 2. 1. Repeat._ Her mind reminded her as Will walked up beside her, his eyebrows raised, questioningly. She huffed again, began typing into her phone rapidly, her fingers flying over the screen before she looked up and gave him a slight nod, letting him take her phone. Will looked at the phone. “You have about the shittiest customer service I have ever seen.” Will paused, turning to look at Carmilla for a moment. Will’s voice was strong, coming out smoothly over the boom and bass of the music. “First, maybe you should turn down the fucking music so you can hear your customers. At no point will this ever be a rave. Second, you should probably acknowledge people since they, you know, control your fucking paycheck. And third, you can go fuck yourself. She’s lost her appetite.” Will looked down nodded and handed the phone back to Carmilla. The man stood with his mouth gaping open, jaw completely slack, similarly to how Carmilla had only moments before. Carmilla snarled with a wink as she turned and walked out of the establishment taking a moment to flip the guy off from the door. Will and Kirsch followed suit behind her, both pausing to shake their heads with a glance behind them at the guy who stood behind the counter, his mouth still hanging open in surprise.

Carmilla growled, as they walked the empty streets. Will and Kirsch on either side of her. She was furious, annoyed at the guy and at herself. _If I could have just said something. Breathe. 1. 2. 3. 4. 4. 3. 2. 1. How many people saw that? God, they were all watching. If I could have just ordered like normal people._ Two arms slithered around Carmilla’s shoulders from opposite directions, drawing her out of her own thoughts. Carmilla’s mind focused on being present. “So Carm-tastic,” Kirsch’s voice was small in her ear. “Will and I were thinking of going back to the house and ordering online anyway, want to join?”

Carmilla felt her pocket vibrate gently. She sighed softly. “Nah. You guys go. I’m just really not hungry. Don’t worry I’ll eat later. You can even text me to remind me.” 

“You sure? I was going to kick Will’s ass in a slice eating contest!” Kirsch laughed as Will scoffed.

“I’m sure. Another thing I’m sure of is that, that will be incredibly disgusting when it leads to vomiting. So, with that horrendous mental image, I bid you adieu.” She waved grandly and turned her back. “See ya.” She called over her shoulder as she walked away from her two favorite doofuses, feeling her breathing slowly returning to normal. She pulled out her phone. 

**Laura (14:47):** Carm, you’re awfully silent today. Everything ok? 

Carmilla grinned as she read Laura’s question. She had been worried in the same way earlier that morning when she hadn’t heard from Laura. _Maybe Laura will understand. Maybe_. She could feel her thoughts turn hopeful, even as she tried not to berate herself for the incident she had just experienced. _Maybe I can tell her._ Carmilla’s fingers flicked over the screen as she typed out a response to Laura. She sighed and tapped the backspace. She started again, simpler than the first message. Carmilla exhaled audibly, walking aimlessly as she hit send, on her redrafted text.

Laura took a deep breath, her breath hitching as she stretched pulling at the knot in her back and shoulders. _Essay finals are a bitch._ She stretched her hands, feeling the cramping start to fade. She laid back on her bed, next to a package of cookies with her laptop laying on her thighs. _This is comfort._ Laura’s brow furrowed as she noticed the time on her laptop screen. _I still haven’t heard from Carm. She’d probably just busy, but we’ve been talking pretty much all day for the past few days._ Laura shifted, feeling her laptop slide to the side. She readjusted the pillow behind her, trying to get comfortable again when her phone vibrated beneath her thigh. She calmly shoved the pillow haphazardly behind her as she grabbed for her phone with a giggle.

**Carm (15:01):** Hey cutie. ~~Everything is not ok, I just had a run in with an asshole.~~ ~~I’m having a shitty day.~~ ~~I can’t speak to order pizza, you should probably stop speaking to me now~~ I’ve had better days, but then recently they’ve all been better than today. ~~since I actually talk to you.~~ ;) You’re probably right about piling on the finals and early in the morning both being against the Geneva Convention. How’d the finals go? What were they even in anyway?

Before Laura’s face had her permission, a smile was pulling at the corners of her mouth. _Better recently, huh? Yep, I’m pretty sure she’s flirting with me. Maybe. I don’t know. I hope so. Wait, do I hope so? Maybe. I think I do._ Laura reread the text, her smile holding place as her brain started to work; the text felt off to her, but she wasn’t sure how. She couldn’t explain it, but something wasn’t right. Her thoughts weighed on the smile that was pulling at her lips. She’d only been talking to Carmilla for four days, but she couldn’t shake the feeling that the girl wasn’t entirely ok. Laura shrugged unsure of how to check and make sure Carmilla was truly ok without pushing too hard.

**Laura (15:03):** Well, if there’s anything I can do to make it better let me know, k? :) And if you ever need to talk, I’m here. Might not mean much since you don’t know me that well but I am. I’m going to be your roommate after all. I think the finals went pretty well. They were finals in Intro to Narrative Non-fiction, which was a pretty interesting class and Food and Resource Economics, which was so boring. I’m officially done summer session.

Laura reread her text before hitting send, she thought for a second. _Maybe this is a good time to suggest we hang out. I mean we haven’t yet and we move in this weekend. She’s gotta be thinking the same. Right? Besides, I wonder if she’s as flirty in person._

**Laura (15:08):** Are you working today?

Carmilla read Laura’s message feeling a drop in her stomach at Laura’s mention of talking. _Yeah, I’d love to talk. Of course. She’s not going to be different. We can sit at a table and I’ll text you. I shouldn’t have started this. She’s hoping for normal._ Carmilla’s phone sounded again in her hands pulling her out of her spiraling thoughts. Carmilla’s eyes widened as she read Laura’s question. _She’s probably thinking of dropping by again. Crap. Well at least I don’t have to lie to her. Score one for the honest day off._ Carmilla scrolled through both messages again, deciding to reply to the second before the first.

**Carm (15:14):** Nope, it’s my day off, cupcake.

Laura’s face lit up as she read Carmilla’s response. _She’s not working, she’s not busy; I know she’s not taking summer classes. She lamented the fact that there was no room in Philosophy in Film this summer. This is perfect. We can meet up and hang out. I can talk to her in person. Hear her voice, a voice to go with the texts. I wonder if her voice is as pretty as she is._ Laura’s mind rambled away in excitement; she missed the second text from Carmilla.

**Carm (15:15):** I could think of a few things you could do to make it better. ;) Really though, thanks for the offer, sweetheart. It means quite a bit. But I’m fine. Promise. What was your favorite book you read in the narrative non-fic class?

**Laura (15:15):** Perfect! So you’re not busy? Are you hungry? We could get a late lunch, or early dinner I guess. We can hang out like roommates! I can’t wait. Tell me where you want to go, I’ll meet you there :D 

Carmilla sighed as she read Laura’s text. Laura was so excited, she was so hopeful. Carmilla didn’t want to dash her hopes. She didn’t want to dash her own hopes either. If she kept them separate, she could keep Laura as her friend. Laura didn’t have to know yet and they could be friends. Carmilla took a few deep breaths. _So much for not lying to her. Sorry cupcake, another few days._

**Carm (15:19):** Sorry, sweetheart, I already ate and I have plans for the evening with my brother. You know family stuff. Maybe another time. 

Laura read and reread the text. It was simple, there was very little elaboration; she had that pulling feeling in her stomach again. Something was off in the response. The tone of the text was, while hard to read, not what she had come to expect from Carmilla. Laura exhaled audibly, drawing a breath through her teeth. Carmilla was a conundrum. Laura felt like they were getting closer in their normal texts. This text felt like Carmilla was shutting her out, she couldn’t put her finger on why she felt like that, but she couldn’t shake the feeling either. Laura looked at her phone, typing up her response, before curling up with her laptop and cookies for a tv show marathon. 

**Laura (15:31):** Oh. Ok. :( 

Laura’s response was two words, and Carmilla could hear the echo of disappointment rattle through her skull. Laura went quiet for hours; she didn’t text. Carmilla felt the act of checking her phone over and over put her on edge. An hour or two was fine; it was normal, more than that wasn’t. Carmilla checked and rechecked her phone as the time slowly crept by. By late evening she still hadn’t heard anything. _Crap. Shit. Fuck. I messed it up. If I would have agreed, I would have messed it up too. There was no way to win in that situation. Stuck. I’m stuck. If I had agreed, I would have showed up and she would have known. Or I wouldn’t have shown up and that would have been standing her up. Lose – lose situation. Arg. Fuck. What if she, what if?_ Carmilla’s mind swirled, circled and spun back on itself. Carmilla couldn’t decide if she should message or not, she had said she had plans, _lied,_ but supposedly that’s what she was doing at the moment. Finally, Carmilla let out a groan, juggling her phone hand to hand, before opening the message window and typing up a message, before deleting bits and typing another message. 

**Carm (21:52):** ~~Fine. Let’s do something.~~ We’ll have tons of time when we’re roommates, right? We’ll get all sorts of hot chocolate, sugary treats and baked goods, our room will be a veritable Candyland ;) 

Carmilla waited a moment, rereading the texts they had shared. For once, Laura didn’t answer her question; Carmilla didn’t ask many. Laura usually jumped for the opportunity to discuss, talk, text, get to know each other more. _Maybe she missed it. Maybe she didn’t want to answer. Maybe she’s mad. Maybe she just never read it. I could ask again. Yeah. I could, but does that could as pestering? I’ll ask again, get us back to talking at least. Maybe._ Carmilla copied her previous message, pasting it into a new message and editing for the moment.

**Carm (21:54):** And just in case you missed it, it does mean a lot that you’re here for me.

**Carm (21:57):** What was your favorite book you read in the narrative non-fic class? In fact, I’m surprised I haven’t asked, what’s your favorite book? Or books?

**Carm (22:03):** Come on cupcake, you know you want to tell me. ;)

Laura sighed, listening as her phone vibrated a few times in rapid succession. She knew it was Carmilla, she was the only person Laura had been texting on a regular basis recently. Laura was stuck in her own head, trying to figure the girl out as she listened to Ten win over Rose’s heart for what may have been the tenth time. Their story always made her feel contentment, happy. In the back of her mind she knew, she was going to answer Carmilla, she knew she wouldn’t give up on the mystery that was this girl, her future (in two days to be exact) roommate. But she still sat trying to unravel the girl in her mind, trying to understand why she’d seemed to shut her out sometimes, but let her in others. There was a hot and cold dynamic she couldn’t figure out. She knew there was something to it. She adjusted the pizza box at the foot of the bed, letting herself stretch out fully as she turned her attention to her phone. She smiled as she read through the texts that Carmilla had sent. They were playful, open, adding to Laura’s confusion.

**Laura (22:14):** Candyland? While that would be pretty epic. It would also be just a bit over the top, also I’m not 7 anymore so living in Candyland just sounds like it would take forever to clean and everything would be sticky. ALL THE TIME. And not in the fun way. :)

**Laura (22:15):** Of course I’m here for you Carm. Of course I am. Whenever you need, and soon I will literally be there for you.

**Laura (22:17):** Favorite from the class, Killing Pablo. It was this investigative journalist exposing all sorts of things about a drug kingpin. It was pretty interesting.

**Laura (22:18):** Favorite book… I don’t know. Uh. I have a lot of favorite books but probably the Harry Potter series, if I have to say one off the top of my head. Don’t laugh.

Laura had just hit send for the fourth time when her door banged open revealing a redhead with a grin. Laura glanced over her shoulder quickly. “Hey LaF.” LaFontaine ambled over to the bedside stooping to look at the screen in Laura’s lap. They rolled their eyes gently as Laura turned back to the show unfolding on the screen before her she had just back to the last episode with Nine. ‘I am the bad wolf, I create myself.’ 

“Hey frosh. Who contaminated your control samples?” LaFontaine’s voice was soft and caring. They ran a hand through their swooping short red hair as Laura looked up from the bed at them before letting her shoulders drop.

“You know, you don’t get to call me that. I’m not a frosh anymore. I’m starting my second year soon. So you –” 

LaFontaine threw a hand up to stop her. “Soon. Meaning you haven’t yet, making you still a frosh and I have to keep calling you that as long as I can. So, spill. You don’t watch the heart rending episodes of Doctor Who unless something’s bothering you. So, what bug escaped your insect collection?”

Laura let out a breath, she hadn’t realized she was holding. “I just. It’s. I had hardcore finals this morning. And move in day is in a couple days. And I can’t figure out my new roommate. I sort of feel like she’s avoiding meeting me in person. Which is crazy, I mean, why would she do that? But she flirts via text. Which is also crazy, I mean, what? But, it feels like she’s avoiding me and I don’t know why or if I’m just reading too much into things. But she has no problem texting. And flirting which I don’t get, and am not sure is really the case but I think it is. Like we’ve texted every day for almost a week. I just don’t get it.”

“Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. L.” LaFontaine’s voice was calm as they tried to stop Laura’s rambling. “Laur.” LaFontaine leveled their pale ice blue eyes meeting Laura’s own. “Maybe she is, maybe she’s not. It’s completely possible that she’s busy; start of the semester is busy for everyone. But, if she is maybe there’s a reason. Maybe it’s because she’s afraid you won’t like her as much in person. Insecurities of the sort aren’t uncommon. I mean in email and text, you can write, rewrite, edit and make sure you’re only saying what you mean.” Laura’s eyebrows raised as LaFontaine spoke. _She does seem like she picks her words carefully._ “You can make sure you don’t bumble, ramble or say something you normally wouldn’t. Perry emailed her frosh year prospective roommate for three weeks, but kept coming up with reasons why they couldn’t meet. Perry finally just got her housing assignment switched to being my roommate, she was too nervous to meet the girl she’d been emailing. Maybe she wants to get to know you before you see her in person. You could always ask her. Who is she anyway?” 

Laura looked down at her phone. “Thanks LaF. I’ll try not to dwell, but she really is intriguing. It’s hard not to want to solve the mystery that is Carmilla, Carmilla Karnstein.” Laura’s tone came out reverent. LaFontaine’s eyebrows rose of their own accord. 

“Carmilla? Oh, wow. I’ve seen her around. She’s pretty much a loner; she’s pretty quiet too.” LaFontaine’s voice was questioning as they spoke. Laura nodded, learning two small tidbits about Carmilla was something that excited her, even if she had started to glean that information for herself. It was still new information for her from an outside source. 

“Huh. That doesn’t really surprise me. Thanks for the talk, LaF. I’m pretty intent on figuring her out, but maybe I can wait to meet her, like take a step back or something.” Laura’s eyes lit on her cellphone as the screen brightened and it shook in her hand. 

“No prob, frosh. What dorm and floor are you on for next year?” LaFontaine watched Laura’s face carefully, taking note of her reaction to the message notification. 

“Oh. Crowley Hall. Third floor.” Laura looked up with preoccupied eyes, LaFontaine could tell her attention was elsewhere so they nodded slowly before speaking up. 

“Oh really? Perry’s going to be your floor don again. So I’ll definitely be seeing you a bunch.” LaFontaine paused waiting for Laura’s reaction, which was incredibly slow to come. “Oh and Perry wanted me to tell you there’d be a farewell meeting tomorrow evening, which will mostly be about key return and moving procedures, it’s, as she says, not mandatory but highly encouraged.” 

Laura nodded once, still eyeing her phone as the words sunk in. “Perry’s going to be my floor don next semester too? Oh. Cool!” LaFontaine held in a laugh at the delayed response, opting to cough instead. Laura’s eyes still hadn’t left the phone in her lap despite her spoken response. 

“Ok, frosh. I’ll leave you to your texting, because you seem clearly intent. I’ll talk to you later. Don’t stay up to late.” LaFontaine nudged her shoulder as they walked out the door. Laura threw a hand up in farewell as they left.

Carmilla laughed heartily as she read each text from Laura. _This girl is too adorable. She likes the idea of living in Candyland, but makes a dirty joke. She likes a violent book about a Colombian drug kingpin, but her favorite book series is a children’s novel. She’s a walking contradiction. I can’t imagine what her Netflix queue looks like._ Carmilla’s face glowed with the light of the screen in the dimly lit room. Most of her things sat packed in the corner by the door. There was a soft knock on her door, calling her out of her musings. Carmilla groaned making her way to the door, as a knock sounded again.

She opened it calmly, taking in the appearance of the girl who stood behind it, a redheaded tower of a girl. Carmilla rolled her eyes and nodded in greeting, looking at the girl expectantly. “Hey My friend told me to tell you, you have a floor meeting tomorrow. Mandatory. It’s about leaving procedures for move out and all that nonsense.” Carmilla nodded again, stepping back to close the door. When the door stopped in its arch, Carmilla looked back at the girl, whose large hand was holding the door open with a glower on her face. Carmilla frowned at the mitt that held the door and arched an eyebrow. “You’re not even going to thank me for the information? What the hell? That’s rude.” Carmilla’s eyebrows climbed into her hair as she shook her head before turning back to the door pushing it again. Carmilla heard a harrumph from the other side of the door followed by another grumble of “Why is she so rude?” before the obstruction that was the girl’s hand was completely gone and she was able to close the door.

Carmilla turned back, throwing herself across her own bed diagonally with a soft grunt. Pulling her phone out to reread Laura’s texts. She chuckled again. _This girl. Killin’ me._ She thought to herself as she decided how to reply.

**Carm (22:53):** Haha cupcake, I’m sure you could make living in Candyland fun. I bet it was your vary favorite game to play when you were a kid. You’d just bug your dad to play with you for hours.

**Carm (22:55):** Wow cutie. Those are two very opposing favorites. Just imagine if they were combined. Colombian drug kingpin chases down wizard orphan boy. Quite the story. ;)

**Carm (22:55):** No laughter here, promise (I may be lying because Harry Potter.)

Laura snorted, chuckling at Carmilla’s responses, she rolled her eyes as she continued but the smile at no point left her face, not even for an instant. _She’s playful and open and fun and observant. I like this side of her. I like talking to her when she’s like this, teasing and sweet. Maybe move in is early enough to meet her. Maybe LaF was right. I won’t ask. I can wait. I can’t imagine that ‘in person’ Carm is that much different than ‘in text’ Carm. Both of them I’m sure are incredibly intriguing and beautiful. Crap. I think I’m already getting a crush on my new roommate._ Laura’s eyes roamed over the texts again.

**Laura (23:03):** Haha. :P You got me on that one. I loved that game. I always wanted to be Princess Lolly. My mom and dad would play that for hours because I bugged them to. Candyland is after all most kid’s first board game :P

**Laura (23:07):** Carm, that’s just mean, now I will never be able to not think of the two of them together… with dementors as drug addicts and Pablo Escobar as Voldemort. How dare you :P

Carmilla’s eyes bulged, flicking back and forth over the text. _Mom?_ Carmilla wouldn’t let her mind go too far with that. Her eyes had focused in on that word with laser like focus. Her brow furrowed. 

**Carm (23:10):** Mom? I thought you said it was just your dad and you?

**Laura (23:15):** It is. My mom died when I was still young enough to want to be princess Lolly. Playing that with her is one of the few memories I have of her.

**Carm (23:19):** Oh. Sorry, Laura.

**Laura (23:21):** It’s ok, Carm. I wanted to tell you or I wouldn’t have. Pretty much all of the memories I have of her are good memories though which is nice. :\ What’s your mom like?

**Carm (23:26):** Oh. My mother is not…she’s… 

Laura waited at the edge of her metaphorical chair, wondering what Carmilla was going to say next. She had gathered that Carmilla didn’t have the most pleasant of family dynamics. She hadn’t asked about her parents before because Carmilla had made it clear without even needing inflection or tone to convey that she didn’t want to talk about it. Laura waited, unsure if she should have even asked the question. An hour passed and she had a feeling Carmilla was still searching for something to say. Laura had a knot deep in the pit of her stomach that told her this was generally something Carmilla didn’t talk about and that she wasn’t ready to talk about it now.

**Laura (00:41):** It’s ok, Carm. You don’t have to tell me, if you’re not ready to, or just don’t want to talk about it, you don’t have to. That’s ok. :)

**Carm (00:57):** Thanks, cutie. Maybe some other time. 

Carmilla leaned back, her head braced on a pile of pillows wrapped in t-shirts as pillow cases, her hair splayed around her face. She closed her eyes, clenching her hand at the bridge of her nose. _She’s not pushing me to talk about it. She said it was ok not to talk about it. She doesn’t mind that I don’t want to talk about it. Maybe she is different. Maybe she won’t mind my silence. Maybe there’s no pressure._ Carmilla let her mind travel; she let her thoughts out to play, while still filled with worry they were tinged with hope. 

**Laura (01:11):** No worries, Carm. Only some other time if and when you’re comfortable.

**Laura (01:11):** Night, Carm. Sweet dreams.


	4. Textbook Sense of Concern

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As with before, as far as I know Bagels and Bytes, not a real place, if it is, that's all accidental. Feel free to let me know what you think. I proofread my own work. If you find mistakes, I claim them as my very own and name as if they were my pets. Also, feel free to let me know about them so I can play with them, or not (whichever makes you happy). Thanks for reading and enjoy.

Carmilla groaned as her eyes adjusted to the morning light, or almost afternoon light. It was easy to sleep in. Laura still texted her good mornings but since her classes had finished, it wasn’t as early when she did. Carmilla’s mind traveled to Laura, a place it didn’t seem to leave often. Another day had passed with them bantering playfully back and forth over text messages. _Crap. Move in is tomorrow. I’ll be sharing a room with her. I probably still can’t speak to her. I don’t know. Maybe I can. I can text with her. Maybe I should step it up, there has to be another way. I’ll ask Kirsch and Will for ideas when we get our textbooks today. Maybe they’ll have ideas. Because there has to be more. Another way._ Carmilla slid her legs to the side of the bed, sitting up and pulling her phone with her.

**Laura (11:10):** Good Morning, Carm! :)

**Laura (11:11):** Oh. Oh. 11:11 make a wish. Don’t tell me or it won’t come true, but don’t forget to make a wish! :D

Carmilla’s face raised into a smirk as she read Laura’s texts. _She’s such a dork. A goddamn adorable dork. My wish. I wish I could speak to her, whenever I wanted. I wouldn’t tell her that, anyway. But I can probably play with her a bit._ Carmilla’s smirk turned more mischievous.

**Carm (11:14):** I wish you weren’t a morning person, cupcake. ;)

**Laura (11:15):** No. you shouldn’t have told me. Now it won’t come true, Carm. :P Guess you’re stuck with me as I am.

**Carm (11:15):** I’ll take you any way I can have you, cutie. ;)

**Laura (11:16):** Carm!

**Carm (11:17):** Yes? O:)

Carmilla chuckled softly to herself, her mind offering her a mental picture of Laura blushing and sputtering as she responds to Carmilla’s teases. Carmilla didn’t know if that was how Laura actually responded, but based on the few times she’d seen the girl interacting with someone, it seemed like exactly the response Laura would have. Carmilla moved through her drawers, grabbing one of the last sets of clothes she’d left unpacked and changing quickly before turning back to her texts with Laura.

**Carm (11:30):** What are your plans for the day, sundance?

Laura’s eyes widened as she read back over their conversation from minutes before; she definitely liked it better when Carmilla didn’t shut her out. It was easier and more fun. _I like that she seems comfortable enough to joke and tease. Though her jokes are a bit, uh, dirty. I wonder if dirty jokes are a defense mechanism or if she means them. I mean they say there’s always some truth in jests. I wonder how much there is in hers._ The phone vibrated in her hand as she let her thoughts run away with her.

**Laura (11:31):** Sundance?

**Carm (11:32):** You’re a morning person, buttercup, what did you expect? :P

Laura huffed softly to herself trying to bit back on the chuckle she felt welling in her chest from Carmilla’s response. She looked around the mildly disheveled room with various clothes spread out on the second twin bed, unclaimed since her roommate moved out at the end of the semester. Laura groaned with the realization she needed to go through packing and clean up. Luckily, she’d been relatively tidy with the exception of the last few days, so clean up should be simple. She sighed lightly as she moved her way around the room, pulling out her empty bags and a few cleaning supplies. _Should be a sufficiently slow and boring day. Psh. Well maybe Carm will keep me entertained._

**Laura (11:56):** :P Today is packing and cleaning for move out/in. I hate packing. At least this time there’s no choosing between beloved books. Which to leave, which to bring. Simple. They all come. 

Carmilla sighed, waiting for Laura to respond. She gathered up her wallet and headed for the door as she sent out a text to Will. 

**To Will (11:39):** Hey, we meeting for food before textbooks or just meeting at the bookstore? 

Will’s response was almost immediate as though he had been waiting impatiently for her to text.

**Will (11:40):** Hey sis. Meet for food, the bagel place? No way am I spending hard earned money on books I won’t use without a full stomach.

Carmilla laughed at Will’s response ( _It really is the soundest form of logic_.) as she walked down the hall in her dorm, taking the stairs quickly and bursting out onto the school’s pristine quad, lined with oak trees and red brick. 

**To Will (11:45):** Ok. Sounds like a plan. See you there.

She kept a cool pace through the campus, groaning softly as she turned on to Main Street. The red brick ended where concrete sidewalks started; students milled about here and there. Carmilla let out a deep breath, getting books before move in day would save her the hassle of overcrowded bookstores and pushy, irritated salespeople; she couldn’t always avoid all people. She paused, taking a deep breath as her thoughts started to twist. _I don’t want to avoid all people. Just the expectant ones, the pushy ones, just most people. But not all. Laura. I don’t want to avoid her. I am avoiding her. Sort of. But only out of necessity. Only out of necessity. I don’t want to avoid her._ Carmilla let her feet lead her through the sparse crowds, the people scattered along the sidewalks. Her phone vibrated as she stopped in front of Bagels  & Bytes. Carmilla checked her phone with a slight smirk climbing to her face as she typed up her response. 

**Carm (12:01):** Sounds like a raucous good time, cupcake. You clearly party too hard. ;) don’t worry I’m here if you need entertainment.

Carmilla walked into the café with her breath held tight in her chest, her eyes roamed around the quiet café scattered with few people as she exhaled relief, desktop computers lined one wall and tables were dispersed throughout the space. She walked calmly to the counter, her eyes scanning the room to spot Will and Kirsch at a table in the back corner before moving to the menu. Carmilla’s heart sped as she walked to the counter, she could hear it in her ears. The girl behind the counter, blonde with cobalt blue eyes, looked up with a smile. “Welcome to Bagels and Bytes, what can I do for you?”

Carmilla took a deep breath, her face maintaining no emotion as inwardly she felt a wave of relief. Carmilla held up her phone, the memo app already holding the details of her order. The girl before her glanced down reading quickly before looking back at Carmilla, the smile still plastered to her face. She launched into a series of yes or no questions after Carmilla paid which calmed her further as she nodded her assent or shook her head. Carmilla’s eyes lit as the girl handed her the order with a smile and the receipt and no further attempt at converstion. Carmilla gestured her thank you in sign language as she turned and joined the boys.

Laura was moving through her room with Netflix on as background noise for the work she was doing. Her cellphone perched on the edge of her desk, she noticed the first vibration but focused on emptying her draws onto the bed she was working from. The second vibration drew her attention. She dropped the shirt she was folding onto the pile she’d been working from with a soft excited squeak. She flopped onto her bed to read the texts with a grin pulling at the edges of her face.

Laura’s eyes scanned over her phone as she took in her text notifications. Laura’s eyes shifted across Carmilla’s text. _She likes to tease me. But she’s willing to be my entertainment. She probably means more teasing and jokes. I can live with that._ Her eyes slid over the next notification, another text, but it wasn’t from Carmilla.

**Danny (12:09):** Hey Hollis! I’m gonna go get textbooks today to beat the crowds tomorrow. Wanna join?

Laura looked around her room with a furrowed brow, she hadn’t really gotten much done, but she really wasn’t in the mood to do it at the moment either. Laura’s eyes flicked to the window, longingly. _It’s beautiful outside, it’s the end of summer; I should take advantage of the wonderful weather while I can before autumn hits like a slip. I should go, besides beating the crowd sounds like a good idea. I think I’ve done enough to deserve a textbook purchasing break. Or the punishment of paying for the textbooks, I’m not sure which this counts as._ Laura stared back down at her phone before making the final decision.

**To Danny (12:19):** Yeah sure. Meet you on the quad in 20.

Laura gathered up her things, trying to get a little more packing down before she had to meet Danny. She groaned, dropped the clean clothes pile onto the bed and walked out into the beautiful afternoon.

“No beefcake, you cannot have my hash browns, get your own. And don’t even try to tell me you need them because you’re a growing boy because at this point and at your age, the only growing you’re going to be doing is horizontally.” Carmilla smirked, smacking his hand away as Kirsch groaned.

“Not cool, dude, not cool. Will tell your sister to share.” Kirsch turned imploringly to Will who just watched the whole back and forth between them with an amused visage. Will shook his head gently.

“You guys ready?” Carmilla looked between them as she handed off what was left of her hash brown to a grinning Kirsch after she’d bitten off a few more bites. The group stood and ventured out without any fanfare. “Ok. I’ve gotta ask you guys something.” Kirsch and Will turned their attention to her as they made their way through the empty café. “Ok, I’ve been texting her, but tomorrow is move in. Can you think of anything that might be a step up from that? I can’t talk to her in person. I’m not ready.” Carmilla sighed looking down at her feet for a moment as they walked into the sunlight.

“Snapchat.” Will spoke like it was the most obvious answer in the world, drawing a confused gaze from Carmilla and a grinning nod from Kirsch. “Find out if she has snapchat, it’ll be like when we used videos when you would talk to me and Kirsch when we were younger. I’m sure you don’t want to go through the juvenile game of telephone, but snapchat should work.” Carmilla felt her face scrunch as she thought. _Snapchat. It’s definitely a step above texting. I can see her face. It could almost be like talking to her. I wouldn’t have to have an intermediary other than my phone. And then maybe video calls or something. Maybe it’ll work. Maybe I will be able to talk to her. Maybe I’ll be able to talk to her soon. Soon?_ Carmilla raised her eyes to Will and nodded. _The boy had a good idea I’ll give him that._

The three of them strolled down the sidewalk, turning when they arrived at the bookstore. Will shoved his hands in his pocket and fished out a sheet with the list of his classes as Kirsch did the same. Carmilla continued the scroll through her phone trying to decide how to ask Laura, how to bring it up; she decided to work up to the question.

**Carm (12:57):** How’s cleaning and packing, cutie?

Laura waved at Danny as she approached, her eyes taking in the sight of the tall redhead, the sun reflecting off her hair, her pale skin and bright blue eyes shining. Laura sighed softly glad they could still be friends. “Hey Danny!” Laura approached with a smile gleaming across her face.

“Hey Hollis. You happy to be done with summer session?” Danny’s voice was soft and excited, her eyes brightened as Laura leaned in giving her a one armed hug. 

“I am but now I have to do the packing for the dorm move, which is frustrating to say the least. I am excited to meet my new roommate. She’s pretty fun to talk to.” Danny smiled down at Laura.

“If you haven’t met yet, how do you know she’d fun to talk to?” Danny’s face was shifting, the grin turning into an expression of confusion. 

“We’ve been texting for the past week. Come on let’s go. Books to get and all that.” Laura started walking forward her smile firmly in place even as she had to move her legs faster to keep up with Danny’s pace. 

“Wait, you’ve been texting, but you haven’t met? Why haven’t you met her? Is she not in town or something?” Danny’s voice was edged with what Laura guessed was concern and confusion.

“Jeez, Danny you make it sound nefarious somehow. She’s in town, I think she’s staying in the dorms. We’ve just been busy. She has a job and I had finals and now packing and cleaning and hanging out with you. Besides, maybe we’re just waiting until move in to meet. It’ll happen when it does.” Laura’s mind replayed LaFontaine’s words from days before. _I don’t know why I feel like I have to defend her to Danny. I don’t know why Danny seems to be making it sound like a capital offense. We just haven’t met yet, no big deal_. Laura was drawn from her thoughts as she felt her phone sound off in her pocket. Laura’s smile grew exponentially as she looked down at her phone missing the words as Danny spoke. “Oh. Wait. What? Sorry I got distracted.” Laura’s eyes flicked up to Danny’s slightly disapproving expression before dropping back to her phone to send a quick message back to Carmilla as they turned into a bookstore with their class lists in hand. 

**Laura (12:59):** I’m taking a break. It’s pretty out today. :) 

Carmilla read the text as she approached the front of the line. She swiped quickly over to her class schedule as the next book runner turned his attention to her. “Epistemology, Ancient Philosophy, Modern Philosophy, Design in Visual Art and 19th Century Supernatural Literature?” He read questioningly as she held out her phone. She nodded once before turning back to her phone as he walked off. He returned a few minutes later with a bag of books and a smile. “Pay over there.” He pointed to the register and walked off to help the next person. 

She groaned bearing the weight as she lifted the bag from the counter and taking it to check out, the whole time her mind trying to figure out how to bring up snapchat to Laura, how to suggest they start using it as part of their communication. _I could just ask. Ripping Band-Aids and all that. It shouldn’t be that hard. Hey cutie, you should send me a snap. Add me on snapchat. It wasn’t hard for me to get a picture from her, I didn’t even fret over the question. Why is this so much different? The answer is it’s not. It’s not._ Carmilla moved on autopilot, paying and walking towards the door with the heavy, textbook filled bag. Carmilla felt the weight lift from her shoulder, snapping her out of her swirling thoughts. She looked up to see Kirsch taking the bag with his own. “I got you covered, Carm-tastic.” He said with a grin as he pushed his chin out to indicate the phone in her hand. Carmilla rolled her eyes but nodded her thanks before turning her attention back to her phone. 

**Carm (13:11):** So you’re what? Out taking pictures to add to your snapchat story? ;)

**Laura (13:13):** Maybe. Why are you going to check my snap story to know whether I do or not? :P

**Carm (13:14):** Do you want me to check your snap story, sweetheart? Cuz for that to happen, I’d need your screenname.

**Laura (13:15):** Laura2theLetter :P 

“You shouldn’t buy here Laura, they’re just trying to rip you off. Seriously, they’re just banking on your gullibility and naiveté.” Laura’s head snapped up at Danny’s words, a glare already taking over her face. 

“WHAT?” Danny’s face scrunched as she took in Laura’s anger, she opened her mouth to respond. Laura held up a hand waving her off. “Just. Stop. Nope. I’m ignoring that attempt you just made at contortionism. And you can pull your foot out of your mouth some other time.” Laura’s voice was tight as were her muscles. She moved up in line placing her pile of books on the counter with a soft grunt. 

As Laura paid, Danny tried again. “Sorry. I was. I was just trying to help.” Danny’s voice soft and sad after Laura’s outburst. 

“You want to help, you can carry my bag of books as penance.” Laura’s face pulled up with a smirk as she chuckled lightly when Danny grinned and moved forward to take the books from the counter before she looked back to her phone. _That was possibly the most roundabout way to ask if I have snapchat I have ever seen. I think that’s what she was doing. Weird. Maybe that wasn’t it. I guess we’ll see if I get a snap from her._ Laura opened her snapchat with a grin seeing the little ghost light up yellow because Carmilla had added her.

Carmilla smirked at her phone as she added Laura2theLetter to her small list of snapchat friends. _Now what to send her? I don’t even know how to start this. Oh. I know._ Carmilla turned her phone on herself.

Laura jumped as a new sound emanated from her phone. She looked around quickly noticing Danny chuckle softly as her surprise. Laura noticed she had a new snapchat notification turning her grin into a full blown ear to ear smile. Laura opened it excitedly. The second she tapped the screen she was greeted by Carmilla’s face, pale and chiseled, mocha espresso toned eyes glowing in the sunlight above a questioning smirk. Laura’s eyes flowed down the thin neck to the black sleeveless shirt with the phases of the moon on it and continuing down to a banner across the bottom of the picture that said ‘Where’s this snap story I was promised?’ Laura’s mind added an assumed ‘Cupcake’ or ‘Cutie’ to the end of the question without her permission. 

Laura looked up, twisting her head this way and that searching for something to send Carmilla. Laura’s eyes roamed the street, still searching when Danny interrupted her pursuit. “Looking for someone?” Laura looked at Danny, her smile dropping slightly as she shook her head. “Hey, how ‘bout we get some food? You’re probably due to eat something other than cookies and sugary sodas.”

“Yeah ok, food is probably a good idea.” Laura’s response came out soft as her head began to swivel again, when she spotted it, _the best snap idea I’ve ever had_. “Come on, Danny.” She led, pulling Danny across the street quickly. Laura stopped, staring for a moment before her smile grew again. She looked down at the phone, typing in a caption as she continued walking with Danny beside her. 

Carmilla trailed behind, Kirsch and Will; her focus mainly on her phone as she put one foot in front of the other. She’d sent the snap and was anxiously awaiting Laura’s response, _if she’s going to respond, she might not. But she might._ Carmilla didn’t realize that Will and Kirsch had crossed the street; she wasn’t paying attention. She was on autopilot, walking at a steady pace. She looked up for a moment, taking in her surrounding before returning her attention to her phone. _If she responds to this next I can try to send her a video. That’s a step forward right. She’ll know my voice. It counts as talking to her. I can do it. This could work. If she responds._ Carmilla’s face lit as she walked, her phone indicating she had a new message. She tapped the screen to open the image. She was hoping beyond reason that it was a picture of Laura. It wasn’t.

Carmilla’s face creased as she looked at the picture. Her eyes roamed over it a few times only increasing her confusion before sliding to the caption at the bottom. ‘I found someone wearing your shirt :P’ Carmilla’s breath froze in her chest, her feet still numbly carrying her forward into an immovable object. Carmilla smacked into a solid form, she stumbled before regaining her footing; the wall did not. Carmilla looked up unsure of what she was expecting to find, her mind was holding on to hope that it was, in fact, a wall. Her eyes landed on the tall redhead from days before who was dwarfing another person at her side, Laura, whose face was scrunched in a moment of confusion before her features evened out into a warm smile. Carmilla could feel her heart scream, her whole body scream. She looked around frantically, her mouth open and jaw moving even as nothing came out. Laura reached out a hand laying it gently, comfortingly on Carmilla’s upper arm, Carmilla could feel the warmth radiating off of her even in the heat of the August air.

“Hey.” Carmilla’s eyes flicked over Laura’s face, her smile now tinged in confusion. Carmilla opened her mouth, willed herself to speak, _to say something, to say anything_ , but nothing came out. Her mind was screaming at her to say something, _just a word, a sound, anything_ , but it was of no use. Her mouth just opened and closed, her lips like watching a muted tv. “Carm?” Laura’s voice was soft in askance, her smile dropped a touch, but held to her face as her eyes journeyed over Carmilla’s, taking in the sense of panic in Carmilla’s eyes while her face stayed relatively blank. Her hand didn’t falter, warm and reassuring on Carmilla’s bicep; Laura squeezed gently, trying to comfort Carmilla.

Carmilla turned, twisting, looking in every direction until she heard Will call her name. She moved her gaze back to Laura, opening her mouth as if to speak but knowing nothing would come out. She reached forward for a moment touching Laura’s arm, trying to convey everything with a touch, her eyes imploring. Carmilla looked at the redhead, rolled her eyes and moved past her toward the sound of Will’s voice.

Danny circled as Carmilla snuck past her, her eyes on the retreating form. “She’s not even going to apologize? What is her deal?” Danny grumbled as Laura razed a hand to stop her.

“Don’t, Danny.” Laura’s voice was gentle but stern as her eyes watched Carmilla cross the street.


	5. Snapchat and Philosophy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Allegory of the cave is a real thing. Plato was kind of a badass. There is a bit more to it than what I summarized here but it's a pretty accurate (if simple) summary. I proof my own nonsense as best I can; I claim the mistakes as my very own and name them as if they were pets, if you spot one, feel free to let me know (or don't whatevs). Thanks for reading, feel free to let me know what you think, and I hope you enjoy!

Laura’s eyes watched as Carmilla’s form continued away from her. Her eyes following until she lost sight of her completely. Laura’s mind twisted in on itself, she couldn’t deny the question that Danny asked. Laura was wondering it too, but unlike Danny’s question which was loaded with frustration and annoyance, Laura was just curious. _What is her deal?_ It was a question that had been running through her mind for almost a week. _What is her deal? She’s fun to talk to, I know that. She’s smart, funny, and sarcastic, eloquent and intelligent, I said that already. She’s got presence; if that run in was anything to measure by, she’s got presence and magnetism in spades. That could just be my assessment._ Laura could feel a blush build, lightening her cheeks tinting them in rose, even as she tried to stop it. _She can’t be intimidated by me, I mean me? No one finds me intimidating. She’s definitely got mysterious working for her. I don’t get it. It seemed like she wanted to say something, but didn’t. Why didn’t she? Maybe she’s afraid I won’t like her voice. I don’t know, but I want to figure her out. I guess she could have been intimidated by Danny, but that didn’t seem to be the case. I don’t know, and that really bugs me. I want to know._ Laura sighed softly before turning back to Danny and nudging her. “So, food?” Danny nodded eagerly with a smile beating out over the annoyed look that was on her face, but Laura’s mind stayed on her cellphone, hoping for a message or a snap, or anything really, from Carmilla as she and Danny continued down Main Street.

Carmilla could feel her heart trying to escape her chest as she practically ran away from Laura and the ginger tower. She moved as fast as her feet would carry her without actually running away. She didn’t want to run away. No, she did. She wanted to run far, far away, her mind was spinning and swirling. _Goddamnit. Shit. I wanted to. I wanted to say something. Not to the redheaded colossus but to Laura. Actually, no, I have words for the juggernaut too, but mainly for Laura. I wanted to. I wish my voice had listened. I wish I could disappear. Run away and not have to deal with this again. But I would, any new place, any new people, it would just start over again. And she stood there, with her hand on my arm, her face contorted in confusion or something else entirely. She was waiting. Waiting for me to speak and I couldn’t. At least she didn’t look at me like I was broken, like I was alien. She just looked confused. Brobdingnag, however, she looked at me like I was intentionally trying to piss her off, like I was broken when I didn’t say anything. Gah! This is bound not to end well. She’s not going to understand._ Carmilla breathed, letting her pace slow so that her breath could follow. Her heart could calm. _But maybe, maybe she will understand. Maybe she won’t ask._

Carmilla walked down the sidewalk to where Kirsch and Will waited, both wearing concerned faces, shooting each other confused looks. Carmilla’s eyes met her brother’s with a quick shake of her head. She wasn’t able to speak now. She didn’t feel comfortable. She wasn’t ready. Kirsch and Will nodded gently, their faces laced with understanding. Will slipped an arm over her shoulder as Kirsch lifted the hand holding her bag of books as if he was going to try as well. Carmilla could feel the chuckle building in her throat as she watched confusion climb over Kirsch’s features as he tried to figure out why his comforting gesture wasn’t going to work. Carmilla could feel herself calming, her heart rate returning to normal along with her breathing. Carmilla took a deep breath, letting herself exhale slowly as they turned into her dorm. She gestured that the boys were welcome to join her with a soft nod of her head.

The walk through the dorm to her door was heavy with silence. Carmilla was comfortable with it, but she could tell Will and Kirsch were fidgeting under the weight of it. Things were easier when they were playful, both boys knew it wasn’t the time for that though, at least not yet. Carmilla unlocked the door and pushed it open, letting it groan on its hinges voicing exactly how she felt. Carmilla threw herself onto her bed with a soft huff as Will and Kirsch followed her into the room closing the door as they did.

Will plopped onto the desk chair in the small room as Kirsch sat at the foot of the bed after setting down Carmilla’s books next to the packed bags. Carmilla sat up giving Kirsch more room and turning her attention to the boys; she knew they wanted to ask, but were waiting for the indication that she was ready, comfortable. Will raised his hand as he had in the quad, Carmilla looked back and forth between his hand and Kirsch before exhaling deeply and nodding.

“You ok, Kitty?” The childhood nickname ringing in his voice settled like a blanket over her shoulders.

She nodded, her shoulders dropping as she thought back over the afternoon. _It had been going so well. Maybe she doesn’t think I’m broken. Maybe she’s not bothered by it. I don’t know._ Carmilla shook her head, seemingly giving mixed responses to the question, drawing confused glances from Kirsch and Will. “I’m ok. Just annoyed with myself. I ran into her.” They both nodded, waiting for her to be ready to speak, for her to gather her thoughts. “I literally ran into her. Well, actually I ran into her oversized friend.” Kirsch looked up, his eyes tracing Carmilla’s face at her mention of Laura’s friend.

“Oh? D-bear was there?” Kirsch’s voice was filled with hope, he was failing to conceal. Carmilla nodded curtly. “She’s intense, but loyal. She can be good people.” Kirsch noticed Carmilla’s face contort as if she’d just stepped in something gooey while barefooted. The grin on his face dropped away. “Well, I mean, she can be cool sometimes.” He finished the sentence quieter than he’d started.

“Well, the only times I’ve met her have been when she’s been a righteous…” Kirsch and Will both raised an eyebrow at the annoyance lacing her tone. “Uh. Jerk. Look, my floor don had her tell half the floor, we had a mandatory meeting and she got all asinine and angry when I didn’t say anything to her when she told me.” Kirsch nodded, his brows furrowed at Danny’s reaction. “And then today, I heard her whine that I hadn’t apologized, as I was making my hasty retreat. In frustration and embarrassment. I couldn’t say anything. I wanted to. I really, really wanted to say something, anything. Not so much to Brobdingnag,” Kirsch raised his hand, his face showing her he was going to lecture her on name calling. She expected it would be along the lines of ‘Name calling is bullying, and completely not cool bro.’ Carmilla continued before he got a chance to start on a sensitivity series about properly expressing her emotions without name calling; she didn’t need to hear it. “But, to Laura, I wanted to say something to her. I wanted to. Hell, if I could have, I probably would even have apologized to the ginger tower. But it wasn’t like it was really an option.” 

Will leaned forward placing his elbows on his knees. “So, are you going to tell her?”

Carmilla frowned as she thought over his question. “No. And neither of you are going to tell her either.”

Will pulled back raising his hands in the air, in an attempt at a placating gesture. “I know, Kitty, I know. We won’t tell her. But, hear me out here.” Carmilla’s eyebrows climbed into her hairline as she fixed her gaze on Will. “We’re not the only three people in the world who know.” Will gestured around the room, to himself, Kirsch and then Carmilla. “I know you wish that was the case, but it’s not. I’m pretty sure if she finds out from someone other than you, she’ll be pissed, or hurt, or both, or feel betrayed, or some other set of emotions I can’t even fathom. And I think you want to keep that from happening more than the alternative.” Will’s words struck a chord, Carmilla’s face dropped as did her gaze, focusing in on her hands as they twiddled in her lap. “Seriously, you should tell her. I’m not going to ask ‘what’s the worst that could happen,’ because I’m sure you could come up with something. And we all know that particular phrase is just asking for something bad to happen.” He chuckled lightly, trying to bring levity to the tense conversation. “But, just think about it. You should probably be the one she hears it from.”

Carmilla was listening intently, she was sure he was right, but she wasn’t sure she wanted to tell her. She didn’t want the girl to know. She didn’t want to see Laura’s breathtakingly beautiful face warped with pity or reluctance; she didn’t want Laura to think of her as broken. _Knowing Laura, she’s always someone who roots for the underdog. I don’t want that to be the only thing she sees about me. I want her to see me, whether I speak or not. I don’t want her to look at me and only think of the silence. I am not my silence. I want her to know that. Maybe I should tell her, but I don’t have to tell her right away. I can work up to it. If I can get her to snapchat with me, and then maybe video chat, maybe I can tell her in my own words. Maybe I won’t have to tell her at all. At the very least, for now I’m keeping it to myself. Which means I need to remind them that they need to keep it to their selves._ Carmilla’s eyes roamed back and forth between Will’s almost hopeful face and Kirsch’s distracted blank stare. “I get what you’re saying, Will. I know you’re not wrong. But I’m not ready for her to know yet. I’m just not. Which means, and I feel like I need to remind you two, you don’t get to decide for me when I’m ready to tell her; I’ll tell her myself when I’m ready, and until then, you two will be keeping your traps shut. Got it?”

Carmilla pointed back and forth to Will and Kirsch, her face as serious as her tone. She glowered until they both nodded in unison, this time leaving out the playful miming of locked lips, they just raised their right hands as if swearing an oath in a court of law. “Ok, Kitty. You know we’re on your side. We won’t tell her.”

Kirsch nodded alongside Will. “Of course Carm-tastic. This is your story to tell or not to tell as you see fit.” Kirsch looked at his watch with a gentle groan. “Will, we gotta go. Zeta stuff.” Kirsch smiled at Carmilla as he shoved her shoulder playfully as he moved to the door.

“Ok, Beefcake.” She nodded to Kirsch before turning to her brother. “Willy-boy. You two stay out of trouble, ok? I am so not bailing you out.” Kirsch laughed as he opened the door, waiting for Will.

“Just think about it, Kitty. You should tell her sooner rather than later.” Carmilla nodded solemnly; she understood completely, but for the moment she was feeling selfish and nervous, not telling seemed easier. “You know we’re here for you either way, right?” Carmilla looked up meeting his eyes before pushing him toward the door after nodding in acknowledgement.

Laura checked her phone for the umpteenth time since she’d gotten back to her room, still nothing. Throughout the afternoon, she’d restarted it twice, checked the ringer volume countless times, none of it was calming her. If anything, it was setting her more on edge. She sighed as she moved around the room, finishing up the last of her cleaning and packing. It had taken her longer than she’d planned, all of the afternoon after her late lunch and a chunk of the evening. She passed her phone back and forth between her hands, unsure what to do. _Should I wait for her to text? Maybe she’s mad. She didn’t look mad. Her hand on my arm didn’t feel mad. Her eyes looked almost, I don’t know, apologetic. She looked sorry when she looked at me, I think. I don’t know. Well, she has no reason to be mad at me. I mean I didn’t do anything wrong. And, well she didn’t either, really. Unless you ask Danny, which I have no intention of. Maybe she thinks I’m mad. I mean I would have a right, I guess. But I’m not. But she doesn’t know I’m not. And she ran off so maybe that’s why she’s not texting. And I’m currently rambling to myself. Go me._ Carmilla’s mind was going in similar circles as she stared at her phone alone in her dorm room, trying to make the same decision Laura was working through.

Laura dropped into her computer chair with a grunt. She looked around the room with a feeling of accomplishment, as she grabbed a cookie from the open package beside her laptop. Laura looked at the cookie, took a bite and finally, opened up her snapchat. Even as her mind still argued the pros and cons, she sent Carmilla a snap.

The sound brought Carmilla out of her contemplation, startling her upright. She held her phone hopefully in her hand. _Maybe it’s Laura. Maybe she’s not mad. Maybe she won’t ask. What if she does ask? If she does ask, I have to tell her. I guess. I mean I don’t want to lie to her. I just don’t want to have to tell her._ Carmilla let out a soft exhale, barely audibly as she tapped the notification. Carmilla’s screen turned into a picture of Laura using perspective to hide behind a cookie, the top of her head and her bright eyes, matching the color of the chocolate chips, just visible around the cookie. Then the image lurched, Laura pulled the cookie away revealing a wide grin as she took a bite and mumbled around the cookie in her mouth. “Cookie for your thoughts?”

The screen went back to the white message view and Carmilla tapped the screen again to re-watch Laura and her cookie. The image drew a soft, genuine smile from her. _This girl is a dork._ Carmilla opened the photo screen unsure if she could do what she planned, but willing to give it a try. 

Carmilla leaned back against the headboard of her bed, her onyx curls pulled up in a messy bun atop her head, Plato’s The Republic spread over her lap, a soft smile gracing the planes of her face. Laura smiled at the image on her screen, and then came Carmilla’s voice, rolling like velvet, soft and smooth with a hint of jazzy edge, causing Laura’s eyes to widen. “Sorry about earlier, cupcake.” Laura looked at her phone in confusion, her brows drawing down. Laura re-watched the snap, drinking in Carmilla’s voice as if it was water in the middle of a long and scorching desert. _Wow. I mean. Wow. Her voice is so perfect for her. It’s so… I don’t even know. I think I’m at a loss for words. That doesn’t happen to me often. She and her voice match, they’re dark and deep and gorgeous, sultry and sexy and… wait. Crap. Yep. Sexy. And how. Damn._

Even as Laura’s thoughts were dwelling on Carmilla’s voice, part of her brain was trying to create a mental photograph. The more Laura looked at the image in her mind, the more she realized it looked like Carmilla was… nervous. The soft smile was welcome and sweet, somehow still _ahem probably_ , pantie-dropping, but her eyes weren’t the same. Laura’s mind was mulling over the contrast between her features and the emotion in her deep espresso eyes. Laura’s eyes narrowed as she thought; there was a sharp contrast between Carmilla this afternoon in the street and Carmilla over snapchat just now. _You know what they say a lady in the streets, but a freak in the sheets._ Laura shook her head trying to dislodge wherever that thought had come from. If it weren’t for the nervousness, Laura was sure she recognized in Carmilla’s eyes from earlier in the day, it was like looking at two separate people who just happened to wear the same face. _Just one more thing to add to the enigma of Carmilla. I can’t wait until we live together._ Laura’s face brightened as she prepared her phone to respond.

Laura fanned her face, which was tinted with hints of rose coloring, with her hand as though she were standing in the sun in the middle of the hottest summer day, a smile pulling at the corners of her lips. She was dressed in a cream colored tank top showing just a bit of cleavage from the angle she held the camera. A smirk crept over Carmilla’s features as she watched waiting for what came next in the video. Laura sighed, “Whoa. Carm. That voice though. It works for you. Definitely does. Good job on that.” The video ended with Laura’s smile growing even wider and then she stuck out her tongue. That was enough to pull a laugh rumbling out of Carmilla. Carmilla was trying to decide if that was a good thing or a bad thing and how to respond when her phone chirped in her hand.

**Laura (22:57):** It’s nice to put a voice to the texts. :D Now I can imagine them in your voice. Much better than hearing my own voice call me cupcake or cutie. The second one just seemed a little narcissistic when I heard it in my mind in my own voice. :P

Carmilla chuckled softly as she read and reread the text from Laura. _So snapchat works. I can talk to her. Like a conversation. Delayed. But still a conversation. She’s heard my voice. She doesn’t seem bothered, she’s not asking me to speak more, or talk about today. She didn’t even ask._ The thought pulled, unbidden, at the corners of Carmilla’s lips. _Laura didn’t ask why I didn’t talk this afternoon. She doesn’t seem mad. Maybe this will work. Maybe I will be able to speak to her. Maybe someday I can take her out._ Carmilla froze, her mind going over her thoughts. _Yep. I want to take her out. She’s fucking sunshine incarnate, I’d be crazy if I didn’t want to._ Carmilla looked at her phone with a grin as she typed up a response.

**Carm (23:01):** Glad I could help. ;) I wouldn’t want you to be worried about your own narcissism, sweetheart. 

Carmilla’s phone chirped again, her eyes dropping to it immediately and her mind leaving her thoughts behind. 

**Laura (23:03):** I saw a book. Whatcha readin’?

Carmilla quickly switched over to snapchat and sent a picture of the cover of her book, pausing a moment before adding the caption, ‘the allegory of the cave’ as a response.

Laura leaned back, head resting on a yellow pillow, her butterscotch toned hair splayed out as a halo surrounding her face, with her face scrunched in confusion. “I think I’ve heard of it, Carm. What’s it about?” Carmilla could see the manifestation of excitement build behind Laura’s honey flecked whiskey swirled eyes as she watched the video, Laura’s sun kissed skin glowing beneath whatever light Laura had on. Carmilla’s eyes roved around the shot, taking in the picture as Laura twisted on to her stomach, pushed her hair behind her ear before speaking again. “Tell me about it, please?” Carmilla could feel the twist in her stomach at Laura’s question. _Of course I’m going to tell you about it. How could I not, especially when you ask like that._

Carmilla leaned against a t-shirt wrapped pillow, a subtle smirk playing at the edge of her mouth. Her pale skin lit softly and juxtaposed with the messy bun of onyx hair and black sleeveless shirt. Laura’s eyes feasted on Carmilla’s appearance, moving all across the frame of the video waiting for it to progress. “Ok, cupcake.” Carmilla’s voice came through smoky and sultry. “It’s sort of about learning. People live chained to a wall in a cave, watching shadows created by a fire. The shadows are the only thing they know. The shadows are their only reality. One person is freed and learns the truth, the shadows are nothing of what actual reality is.” Carmilla looked down at the book in her lap, her expression changed from the knowing smirk to pensive. Then the screen went white in Laura’s hand. Laura’s brows creased. _Why did her mood change? It definitely changed, but why?_

Laura thought for a few moments, letting the allegory of the cave sink in as she thought. _Maybe it changed because of what she was telling me. So the people only know the shadows. They don’t know anything of what makes them or why. It’s sort of a statement that not everything is what it seems. That you can’t take things at face value. Or… ahh… judge a book by its cover. Learning. It’s about learning the truth, but not assuming you know everything, ever. I think she might’ve…_ Laura sat on her bed her laptop perched precariously, balanced on one thigh, as she let her thoughts circle and dwell, contemplate. Laura imagined Carmilla’s soft smile hanging beneath nervous eyes. _Yeah, everything is definitely not what you assume._ Laura wanted to make sure she’d understood, she wanted Carmilla to know she’d gotten it. She wanted Carmilla to know that if she was someone chained to the wall she would want to know more about the shadows.

Laura’s voice was soft, timid in a way Carmilla had never heard it before. Her face held a small smile, that was more reticent than any smile Carmilla had ever seen decorate Laura’s face. The image was of Laura’s face, straight on, bare shoulders and messy hair draping her face. Carmilla’s eyes flicked over the image as her ears devoured Laura’s words. “So basically it’s about not assuming you know everything about what’s in front of you?” Laura’s eyes glowed with sincerity, lit like she was staring at and reflecting the sun back at Carmilla. Carmilla felt her heart squeeze in her chest as Laura spoke. Carmilla found herself nodding as a grin climbed across her features, despite knowing no one could see the action. _Maybe she’s not assuming anything about me. Maybe I don’t have to worry so much. Move in should be interesting._

**Carm (00:05):** Pretty much, cutie. I mean there’s a bit more, but I kind of give you the simplified version, because snaps can only be so long. But you’ve now had your first philosophy discussion. Feel good?

Laura’s eyes flicked back and forth as she read the text, her mind conjuring Carmilla’s voice and approximated tone as she read. A wide grin took over her features as she went. She laid back on her bed her yellow pillow beneath her head and sighed contentedly. _Carmilla is my friend. And tomorrow, my roommate. And I can work on solving the mystery that is her. She’s like a shadow in the cave. Or maybe she’s like the person freed from the cave. Or maybe she’s the fire. I don’t know enough about her, but I’m going to. I’m going to learn about the shadow. That’s what I’ll do._

**Laura (00:16):** It does. It’s pretty interesting. I thought philosophy would be boring. :P

Carmilla laughed as she read Laura’s text. _Of course she thought philosophy was boring._ The girl would probably really like the philosophy in film class, as least from what Carmilla had heard about it.

**Carm (00:19):** Boring huh? Philosophy involves a lot of discussion about what makes us who we are, whether time travel is possible, and how we know the things we know. I’m sure if I found you a book on the philosophy of Doctor Who you’d eat that up. :P

**Laura (00:23):** Doctor Who! Yeah! Is that a thing? the philosophy of Doctor who? Also how did you know I like Doctor Who?

**Carm (00:25):** Haha yeah, cupcake it is. Why? You thinking of declaring a major? ;) You had a TARDIS something behind you in one of your snaps.

**Laura (00:27):** Oh. Observant. :P what’s your favorite show?

**Carm (00:28):** You’re starting the interview questions again, cutie?

**Laura (00:29):** Yep. I want to know more about you. :)

Carmilla couldn’t help the smile that took over her face. Laura still wanted to get to know her. _Even after today. She didn’t even ask about it._ She and Laura traded texts with the ebb and flow of the first night for an hour or so, before Carmilla laid back with a smile on her face as she reread Laura’s last text for the day. 

**Laura (01:49):** Night Carm. Sweet dreams, see you tomorrow.


	6. It's Move In Day!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears. I don't really have anything special to say I just wanted to use that line. Desensitization for selective mutism is a progressive treatment, it starts with instant messaging, text (what have you), moves to video chatting/messaging, and escalates from there so that the subject can become comfortable talking with the person. Also I apologize for the time between chapters, it happens on occasion, I'll try to keep it to a minimum. As usual I proof this stuff myself so if you see a mistake, help a sister out, or pretend it's not there (both acceptable courses of action). And as always thanks muchly for reading, commenting and for the kudos. Hope you enjoy!

Carmilla groaned as sunlight slid through the slit in the blinds and hit her eyes. She wasn’t ready to be awake, but her mind knew she was running late for the plan she had devised for the day. Carmilla’s eyes flickered as she tried to focus on the screen of her phone; she blinked rapidly, trying to remove the sleep from her eyes and bring herself to full awareness. She had a notification at the top of her screen. She could feel her face settle into a frown as she noticed the time in the top corner of the screen and the timestamp of the text.

**Laura (08:42):** Carm! It’s move in day! See you soon!

**Carm (09:38):** I expected you to sleep in, cupcake. You know before you start super early morning classes that I know a morning person like you must take.

Carmilla groaned after sending her response as she realized her plan was starting to look like it had been shot to pieces. _A simple plan. All I had to do was get up and get there before her, move in and then disappear for the rest of the day. Skeleton staff at the library, I can hang out there. Of course that didn’t take into account that she’s so very much a morning person and I am so incredibly not. Should have set an earlier alarm clock. Crap._ Carmilla let another groan rumble out of her chest and her eyes roll around in her head as she flung her legs off the bed and sat up. Carmilla looked around her room, all the early and preplanned packing going to waste. She looked at her phone again before moving to get dressed while sending a text to Will.

**To Will (09:43):** Hey you and the beefcake helping me move today?

Laura circled her room, carefully checking under the bare beds, opening closets and drawers, checking and rechecking the suite bathroom for anything that she might’ve forgotten. She was staring intently into the shadow beneath her stripped bed when her phone sounded off above her, forcing her to jump back in surprise. Laura let out a deep exhale, letting the surprise leave her body. She grabbed her phone off the sickly mint green institutional mattress, before looking once again under the bed as the screen lit and she unlocked it. She used the phone screen as a flashlight quickly before remembering the reason she’d grabbed it in the first place. She sat back on the recently swept floor and read Carmilla’s text with a smile.

**Laura (09:52):** Good morning to you too, grumpyface. :P

**Laura (09:53):** I’m heading over now. I’d offer to grab your key for you, but Perry is a stickler for the rules so you have to get them yourself and sign the walk through and stuff. But I’ll see you there!

Carmilla sighed as she stuffed the last of her bedsheets into her army green military-like duffle bag. Her phone went off three times in quick succession as she looked over her small pile of things. She turned her attention to her phone as she scooted onto the bared mattress of her bed.

**Will (09:52):** Sorry sis, can’t. Zetas volunteered to be leaders for the freshmen and their parents. We’re tied up all day.

Carmilla let her shoulders drop slightly as she read Will’s text. She looked back around the room again, before arching her brow at the pile by the door. _Guess I need to consolidate things. I’m not making more than one trip. In to drop things off and then out again, that was the plan and I’m sticking to it._ Carmilla turned her attention back to her phone as she mentally started moving things around so she’d have one bag in each hand and her back pack. She smiled at Laura’s text, her mind still working sorting out her things. Her mind stuttered in its planning as she read Laura’s second text. _Crap. Shit. Will got my key for me last year so I didn’t have to deal with it. I didn’t have to deal with the walk through I just signed the form; this floor don didn’t read the notes about me and didn’t care too much about the rules. Will just said he was my brother and was sent to get my stuff. While I can see the questionable that comes with that. It fucking worked for me. This Perry is probably going to be trouble. This day is just going to shit so fast._ Carmilla stifled her urge to groan again as she dropped down and started moving things around, strapping her pillows to her bags and moving her books to her backpack. _And Laura will already be there._ She looked at her phone again.

**Carm (10:21):** I can’t wait, cutie. This Perry sounds so fun.

Laura felt her phone vibrate in her pocket as she entered the main floor of Crowley Hall. She walked forward, following the signs to the common room. Her heart sped ever so slightly, her excitement barely contained. Laura walked along the path created by flyers. Before her, in the mundane gray and white common room were four tables, each with a person behind it and some with people in front of them. Laura’s eyes scanned the set-up; each table had a poster hanging above it indicating the floor that the floor don behind the table belonged to. Her eyes flicked back and forth before settling on the luminosity connected to a head of bouncy red curls; Laura felt the smile spread across her face as she watched the pale, beautiful redhead direct the student in front of the table, pointing quickly back and forth between the person and the pile of papers in their hand. Laura could tell Perry was excited, stressed and frantic all at the same time as she watched the girl interact with the student; LaFontaine stood off to the side slightly behind Perry. Laura smiled and waved at the unoccupied LaFontaine as they pointed at Perry and shrugged before returning Laura’s wave. Laura took a deep breath before taking her place in line and pulling out her phone as it vibrated again.

**Danny (10:33):** Hey Hollis. Since I don’t have to move, you want a hand carting things to your new room.

“And then you’ll need to do the walk through. Note any damage that already exists around the room, check off the items that are present and indicate anything that’s missing. And you need to sign it. Don’t lie. Your roommates have to do the same check list…”Perry’s muscles were tight, her shoulders tense as she talked. Laura’s attention oscillated back and forth between her phone and Perry’s frantic voice and hand motions. She read Carmilla’s text first, she quickly grinned as her eyes jumped back up to Perry as she started in on rules for the dorm; the student’s shoulders dropped an inch as Perry continued. Laura’s grin grew as she opened up her snapchat app. She took video of Perry ending her talk about the rules and moving on to the key loss and replacement policy the school had in place. She quickly typed her banner and sent the snap to Carmilla with a giggle. She slid her phone back in her phone and looked up just as the student in front of her moved away from the table with an overly loud exhale.

**To Danny (10:37):** Yeah, sure. Meet me at my old room? I’m picking up my key now and getting the Perry lecture so I’ll be about 10 or 20 min

Carmilla nodded down at her consolidated bags, when her phone chimed on the dresser above her. Carmilla reached up, trying to avoid standing, groping around until her hand slid over her phone. Carmilla’s eyes lit as she saw she had a snap from Laura. Carmilla smiled at the screen as she tapped the icon, hoping to see the girl in all her brilliance. Carmilla’s smile dropped quickly, before her on the screen was a redhead giving a lecture on inane dorm etiquette. Carmilla shook her head as the redhead’s voice radiated out of the speaker on her phone. She let her eyes dip to the banner at the bottom of the video. ‘Perry is intense. Makes great brownies tho.’ _Well this is going to be fun. I guess I should get this over with._ Carmilla stood slowly, she turned in a circle once, her eyes traveling over the room, before turning her attention back to the phone.

**Carm (10:43):** If I have to listen to her drone on about inconsequential things, buttercup, I better be getting brownies.

Carmilla slid her backpack on then picked up the bags at her feet with a soft groan, wandered down to the first floor and dropped off her key with a nod before making her way towards her new dorm. Her mind trailed her, fidgeting through her options as she walked down the quad. _Maybe she has to make multiple trips. She might not be there when I get there. I can hope. Crap. I kind of hope she’s there too. Just to see her. Why does this have to be so hard? If I could just speak to her. I could walk in and catch her attention. Drop my bags and actually greet her. ‘Hey there cupcake.’ or something. Well, let’s get this over with._

Carmilla’s shoulders lifted as she heaved an audible sigh and moved through the open door into Crowley Hall. She looked around deliberately, noticing the signs littering the corridors. She followed the signs, flyers, and posters, just as Laura had, stopping in front of the table with a large poster reading ‘floor 3.’ As the student before her moved away, Carmilla stepped up to the table. Carmilla’s eyes settled on a pair of redheads her eyes grazed over them. The one she knew was Perry was dressed in a dark green turtleneck despite the heat of the day outside with a nametag adorning her left side, her curly hair bounced as she excitedly moved back and forth, a huge smile plastered on her face. The other stood further away, as if there as a bodyguard, Carmilla noticed the nametags, nametag plural, immediately. Her eyes scanned them quickly, ‘Hello my name is LaFontaine. Hello my name is they/them. Hello my name is (in smallish letters) unofficial truth speaker.’ Carmilla could feel a smirk sliding across her face as she read them. She nodded to LaFontaine before turning her attention to Perry who was urging her forward with grand gestures.

“Hello! Hello! Welcome! I’m Perry, I’ll be your floor don! What’s your name? So I can get you checked in here and get you all squared away. Once we get you all settled in, everything will be normal again for us all, routine even.” Carmilla’s eyebrow rose of its own volition as Perry spoke. _Are you kidding me? Normal? I don’t think I know what that means. Really, I don’t think anyone does. What is normal? Really?_ Carmilla dropped the bag in her left hand and pulled out her phone. She pulled up her saved memos and opened the one with her name. Carmilla raised her phone to Perry whose eyes shifted down to it immediately. Perry frowned momentarily before her smile came back and grew even wider. She immediately set down the papers in her hands and started signing slowly, but accurately; she’d been practicing for weeks since she got her new dorm roster and the files on the students. LaFontaine watched the scene before them with fascination carved into their features; they knew Perry had been learning the dorm rules in sign language, but they hadn’t known why. Carmilla watched for a moment or two, her eyebrow arching into her hairline. Carmilla typed quickly into her memo app. ‘I’m not deaf. You can just speak. It’ll be faster. Just don’t tell anyone about this. EVER.’ Carmilla turned the phone toward Perry again. Perry’s arms dropped immediately as she read Carmilla’s phone. “Ok. Then.” Perry’s smile quickly climbed back onto her face as she picked up the pile of papers and started rattling off the lecture she had given and would give numerous times throughout the day. Carmilla sighed, letting her attention wander as the redhead spoke.

Laura felt her phone give a reminder vibration as she walked back to the dorm she’d started the day in. Her phone had gone off as Perry reminded her of all the things she’d told Laura at the beginning of the previous year. Laura smiled gently, listening and nodding as Perry went. Laura climbed the stairs back to her room to round up the next load of her stuff. As she made her way down the hall, she debated pulling out her phone when she saw her, Danny, leaning against the wall next to her door. Danny looked up at the sound of Laura’s soft footsteps, her face lighting as the sight of Laura making her way down the hall, halting her toe from kicking at the muddled gray-ish mud colored carpeting again. “Hey Hollis!” Laura smiled with a wave as she moved up right next to Danny.

“Hey Danny.” Laura unlocked the door and waved the redhead in. Making her way to the pile of things sitting on her bed, Laura smiled and turned to Danny making a grand ‘Ta-Da’ gesture.

“Is this it?” Danny asked incredulously. Laura looked back at the pile, before turning her gaze back to Danny with a confused frown. She nodded gently. “Perfect. We only have one trip. I sort of expected you to have more. You know, like require 3 or 4 trips. I don’t even have to help you carry a microwave or a fridge. That makes this super easy. Is your roommate bringing the microwave and fridge? Because you know without it, it’ll be hard to continue your terrible unhealthy eating habits.” Laura’s frown deepened before her eyebrows raised and she stuck out her tongue at Danny.

“We, well I guess, she rented a microwave/fridge, you know how my dad feels about microwaves.” Danny nodded knowingly, trying to bite back on the laugh bubbling up in her throat. “Perry said it was in the room already. So we’re set.” Laura waved her hand again in her best impression of Vanna White. “This is it. All we have to transport.” Danny chuckled softly and nodded. “Ok, then grab what you can, I’ll grab the rest and check out.” Danny moved toward with pile with a grunt, she grabbed more than half of it, leaving two bags for Laura.

Laura dropped her key off with the hall don, who was taking over Perry’s duty since Perry was unable to be in two places at once. Laura chatted quickly offering her goodbyes to the other floor dons and the hall don as Danny waited.

Laura and Danny made their way down the quad, silently. Both carrying their load with shuffled feet and muffled grunts. Laura led the way through Crowley Hall, skipping the check in area as others filed into it, up the stairs to her room with Danny in tow. “You can drop that stuff on my, uh.” Laura looked back and forth between the two empty, bare dorm room beds. _She’s not here yet. Should I pick? Or wait until she gets here. Well we –_

Laura’s thoughts were interrupted by Danny’s voice, grunting softly. “Hey Hollis? Where do you want these? I mean they’re not getting any lighter.” Laura’s mind skipped for a second as she looked between the two identically mint green empty beds.

“Oh. Just drop them over here on the bed. I guess I’m claiming this one as my own. Planting my flag, or something.” Danny grunted a chuckle as Laura pointed to the bed on the right side of the room. Danny sighed softly as the bed groaned under the weight of Laura’s belongings plopping onto it. “Thanks Danny.” Laura moved over to the bed setting her bags beside it as Danny dropped into the desk chair at the foot of the bed.

“So where’s this roommate of yours?” Danny looked pointedly at the empty bed on the opposite side of the room and then looked around noting the complete barrenness of the room itself, other than a black microwave and fridge sitting in the corner just inside the room.

Laura looked around the room too, her eyes moved from the bed along the wall opposite her to the back of the dresser pushed up against the bed, to the little kitchen nook next to the door. “I don’t know. She’s just not here yet.” Laura shrugged as she pulled out her phone to check the messages she’d missed. She read Carmilla’s text with a smile before flipping over to snap chat, where she had two snaps waiting for her. Laura opened them quickly. Perry’s voice echoed softly off the walls of the room as Laura watched her gesture frantically. Laura giggled as she read the banner. ‘She just keeps going and going.’ The message following it read: ‘She’s like the energizer bunny, she’s more red, less pink, same concept. I better be getting a lot of brownies.’ Laura’s giggle turned into a full blown laugh as she opened the next snap. Her eyes took in the image, there stood LaFontaine shrugging as they’d done when Laura arrived a grin clearly sitting upon their face. Laura’s eyes skipped down to the banner: ‘I think they’re on my side.’

Laura was trying to decide what to respond with as the door slammed open; her and Danny’s heads shot up in sync. Danny’s eyes wide as she looked back and forth between Laura and the girl standing at the door. Laura’s smile didn’t falter, if anything it grew. Laura’s eyes slid down Carmilla’s form, taking in her appearance. Carmilla stood at the door, her sable tresses framing her slim face, drawing Laura’s eyes over her pale face, from her coffee toned eyes lit with flecks of dark chocolate down her thin nose and pink lips. Laura’s eyes were drawn down, along Carmilla’s statuesque jawline to her almost see through gray and black shirt hanging off of one shoulder and down her black leather pants. Laura felt her mind hiccup and her cheeks and neck heat as her eyes slid back up Carmilla’s leather sheathed legs. _Drool. I can’t think of a better word. Though I hope I’m not drooling. Crap, am I?_ Laura shook her head coming out her trace to notice that Carmilla hadn’t moved, her eyes flicking unsurely between Laura and Danny.

“Hey!” Laura finally spoke, her voice higher pitched than the snaps that she’d sent and wavering gently. Danny’s eyes grew even wider. Carmilla nodded once, moving into the room and dropping her bags just inside the door.

“What the hell are you doing here?” Danny’s voice was rough, tinged with annoyance and confusion. Carmilla looked up, staring Danny in the eye and quirked an eyebrow, her eyes moving back and forth between the bags at her feet to the seated redhead. Carmilla waited for Danny to catch on. Danny’s eyes followed her gaze, settling on the bags before whipping back to Laura in askance.

Carmilla’s eyes slid between the two; she watched for a moment, shook her head before she turned on her heel and left the room. Laura noticed her absence immediately. “Wait! Carm!” Laura stood from the bed, making her way to the door to give chase, just in time to see Carmilla enter the stairwell. Laura spin quickly, crossing her arms over her chest, closing herself off, her gaze landing on Danny in the desk chair opposite the door where she stood.

Danny’s eyes widened for a moment. “What the hell? Was that your new roommate?” Danny’s gaze on Laura felt expectant, frustrated. Laura nodded with a sigh letting her arms fall to her sides. “Well she’s just, she’s.” Danny stuttered for a moment under Laura’s scrutiny. “What?! She’s rude. She didn’t even greet you. She didn’t say anything. She just came in here all intense and broody. But said nothing to you. You’re her roommate you deserve better than that.” Danny continued oblivious to Laura’s face which had morphed into less than pleased. “We should work on getting you into the Summer Society, then you wouldn’t have to deal with roommates like her. And you wouldn’t have to move every semester. And –”

“Stop. Danny, don’t. You don’t know her.” Danny’s eyebrows jumped as if to ask, ‘and you do?’ “I don’t know her, really. But.” Laura huffed, her voice filled with frustration. “You’re not even giving her a chance. You need to back off.”

“Fine. Fine. Is this because? Is this because of that thing we almost had last semester?” Danny’s shoulders dropped at the same time as her face and her voice.

Laura’s voice jumped first to surprise, then tinged with indignation, before she settled on calming reassurance. “What? No! I just. You’re being unfair. Give me a chance to get to know her. Back off. Give her a chance.”

Danny nodded delicately. “Fine. I’ll back off. I guess I should go. I’ll see you around, Hollis.” Danny stood deliberately, her eyes dropping to the floor.

“Yeah. Well I’m still taking 19th century supernatural lit so you’ll have to see me at every class.” Laura tried to lace her voice with cheer, but the attempt fell just short of success. Danny nodded a small smile building back onto her features as she made her way out the door. Danny left the door open behind her. Laura sat back on her bed, and groaned. _Why is this so hard? Maybe now that Danny isn’t here, she’ll come back. I don’t think that’s going to happen, but maybe it will. Then we could talk. I just hope. Sometimes it’s quite useful to be an optimist._

Carmilla strolled coolly down the brick lined green, seeing nothing as she moved, letting her feet carry her toward the library. _Well. In and out. That could have been more of a success. I mean in the sense that I’m not still there, it was a success. I didn’t even try to talk. Which is for the better. I just wish I could. And then that ginger tower just stared at her like she was supposed to kick me out. And I don’t even know what the look she was wearing was. She clearly hadn’t told the redheaded mountain who her roommate is. Why didn’t she mention it? Why does this have to be so hard?_ She unlocked her phone and sent Laura a quick text as she walked.

**Carm (11:54):** Sorry, cupcake, I realized I had somewhere I needed to be. See you later.

Carmilla sighed softly to herself as she made her way up the library steps and through the deserted lobby. _Everyone’s moving in, no one is here reading. This is perfect._ Carmilla found herself on the third floor hidden away in a nook or cranny of the fiction section, not paying any attention to the book she picked and left lying in her lap, but eyeing her phone intently. She passed her finger over the lock screen, and opened Laura’s message window before hitting the home button and putting the phone back to sleep. _There’s been no response. Well, maybe she’s just waiting for me to come back._

Carmilla sat in the library reading until the late evening, when her stomach growled. She quietly made her way out the door and down Main Street to Bagels and Bytes. She ordered quickly in the empty café and took a seat in the back, curling up in the corner with her phone. Carmilla was nudged lightly as the hour grew later. “Hey, hun, we’re closing.” A voice spoke softly, drawing her out of her focus on the e-book she’d been reading on her phone. Carmilla nodded and stood, leaving the café and heading back toward her dorm room.

Laura unpacked, methodically, glancing at the door every so often as the hours passed. Every time she turned her attention back to unpacking with a sigh when Carmilla didn’t appear in the doorway, her mind never truly focused on her actions. _She has to come back at some point tonight. Doesn’t she? She lives here. She dropped off her stuff. So she does live here. And she put up with Perry’s safety and communication lecture, so she’s signed all the papers. She’ll be back. She lives here. And then we’ll talk. And it’ll be great._ Laura made her bed, finished unpacking. She curled up in her bed with her laptop and a package of cookies. She scrolled through her Netflix queue on autopilot. She started a re-watch of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, a small smile sliding over her features. The episodes passed quickly, her mind quieting as she watched. Laura felt her eyelids start to droop, she was having more and more difficulty staying awake for the next episode. She shut the machine, put it and the cookies on the floor and let herself fall into sleep, her mind pausing only to ask one question. _Why didn’t she come back?_

Carmilla walked into the pitch black room quietly, shuffling her feet across the floor to minimize noise. She ran her eyes around the room, letting her eyes adjust to the absence of light. Her gaze landed on Laura, in what looked like a dark blue or dark green tank top, curled around a yellow pillow, asleep in her bed. Carmilla sighed softly as her eyes adjusted, gradually able to make out Laura’s features, her sun-kissed skin, even more beautiful in the shadows created by the moonlight, pale pink lips, the curve of her cheek, and the curve of her hips beneath the covers. Carmilla’s eyes slid over her sleeping form. _I wish I could just talk to you._ Carmilla climbed into her bed, feeling her muscles relax one by one as the mattress gave beneath her weight. “Good night, cupcake.” Carmilla whispered, looking at the silhouette created by Laura’s shape, before turning her back on the girl’s bed, and, therefore, the girl.

Carmilla’s ears perked slightly when Laura’s voice came, softened by sleep and hushed tones. “Carm?” Carmilla turned quickly to see Laura twist slightly. Carmilla could hear her heart in her ears, feel it in her throat as she waited for Laura to speak again, to ask a question. Laura moved again turning sluggishly beneath the covers. Laura’s voice husky with sleep sounded again, cutting through the heart pounding in Carmilla’s ears. “Carm? We’re going to be vampires.” The words were slurred, soft and sleepy. Carmilla took a deep breath, letting herself exhale heavily, biting back on a laugh. _Laura is talking in her sleep. She’s talking to me in her sleep. I’m in her dreams. I. am. in. her. dreams._ Carmilla could feel the genuine and simple smile sliding across her features. She turned to watch as Laura calmed, her movement slowing to a stop. Carmilla whispered, in sing-song. “Tell me about the man in your dreams, cutie, and was it me?” Carmilla let herself drift to sleep with one last thought passing through her mind. _Maybe this doesn’t have to be so hard._


	7. Classes and Friends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And today I grace you with many words and my presence. As usual, I proof this stuff myself, so if you see a mistake, help a sister out or pretend it's not there (both acceptable courses of action). And as always, thanks muchly for reading, commenting and for the kudos, feel free to let me know what you think. Hope you enjoy!

The alarm sounded above Laura’s head bringing her eyes to flutter open in the morning light. The room lit in natural light; Laura drew her eyes around the room. Everything had a golden hue, Laura’s decorated side of the room, Carmilla’s bag which sat seemingly untouched, with the exception of the pillows missing from them. Laura’s mind jumped, quickly flicking her eyes to the bed across from her own. Laura’s eyes lit on the girl, lain still fully dressed across the bare mattress. Her eyes traveled down the girl from her mussed onyx curls splayed across her pillows, over her pale peaceful face, her hidden eyes, which Laura longed to see, down arms and over her hips. Laura’s breath stuttered in her chest as she looked at Carmilla’s sleeping form.

 

The alarm sounded again, surprising in the quiet, forcing Laura from her admiration. She moved to sit and halt the alarm as she heard a groan from the bed across from her. Laura’s eyes lit with hope as Carmilla twisted. _I wonder when she has to get up for class. I bet she doesn’t have a class before noon. Which means I won’t see her awake until I get back from classes, at the earliest. Maybe she’ll wake up now so we can talk before classes start._ She watched, her hand paused midair, reaching for her phone, as Carmilla shifted, groaned and pulled a pillow over her head. Laura pulled her bottom lip between her teeth to muffle her giggle as she watched a sleeping Carmilla try to fight away the sound coming from her phone. _Nope. Not getting up now. Not that I blame her. She’s made it clear she’s not a morning person. But later we can talk. I wouldn’t want to wake her._ She burrowed deeper into the pillow as Laura brought herself out of her trance and slid a finger across her phone’s screen to dismiss the alarm.

Laura shuffled around the room as quietly as she could, pausing when she heard Carmilla’s weight shift on her bed. She opened and closed drawers, moving as gracefully as possible. She grabbed her clothes for the day, moving as catlike as she could toward the bathroom door. Laura shuffled softly. “OW!” Laura gasped as she knocked her pinky toe into one of the posts of her bed. She shoved her hand over her mouth immediately, her breath came in hisses and her mind demanded she start screaming all of the houses of Harry Potter. Laura promptly drew her gaze from the floor and her bright red tinted toe to Carmilla’s sleeping face, scrunched as if dreaming of something unpleasant. She exhaled deeply turning back to the bathroom and moving around the frame she’d already bumped into. _I didn’t wake her. I didn’t wake her. No one wants to be woken if they don’t have to be. I know that would make me mad._

Laura made her way into the bathroom, without another incident, catching the time as she closed the door. She sighed; she was starting to get behind schedule. She dressed as rapidly as possible, and carefully made her way to the door of the dorm. She turned slowly, getting one last look at Carmilla before she closed the door behind her, heading toward breakfast and classes. 

Carmilla’s dream was interrupted by the sound of an alarm; she opened her eyes to notice a pillow over her face, blocking out the light streaming through the windows. She slid the pillow from her face gradually, checking to see if Laura had noticed. Her back was turned as she opened dresser drawers; Carmilla smiled to herself as her eyes traveled up Laura’s pajama-ed body, landing on plaid pants hanging off of toned hips and a green tank top showing muscular arms and sun kissed skin. Carmilla watched as Laura pulled item after item from various drawers, putting together an outfit. Carmilla noticed the shift in the girl’s weight before she turned and instantly closed her eyes again.

Carmilla could hear Laura shuffle through the room, opening her eyes as the girl passed her. She observed Laura as she walked on the balls of her feet awkwardly, clearly trying not to make noise. She could feel another smile pulling at the corners of her mouth. _This girl is adorable and sweet. She’s obviously trying not to wake me. If only I could tell her I’m awake, tell her not to worry. If only I could just speak to her._ Carmilla’s eyes traced the line of Laura’s back as she took a few more steps. She heard Laura’s toe smack into the bed before she heard Laura’s reaction. She wanted desperately to go to her, to comfort her, to let her say whatever was crossing her mind. Carmilla could hear the pain in the girl’s voice as she looked down at the offending toe. Once again her weight shifted and Carmilla quickly slammed her eyes closed, holding them tightly shut, hoping Laura hadn’t seen her.

She kept her eyes closed until Laura had closed the bathroom door. She listened to the muted movement on the other side of the bathroom door. She let her eyes drift shut again, willing herself back to sleep as Laura made her way across the room and out the door. _I just have to stick to text and snap chat for the moment. Maybe she won’t notice. It’s a form of conversation. It’ll work. It has to._ Carmilla slowly felt herself pulled back to sleep, her mind drifting off.

The alarm blared again. Carmilla groaned, hoping it wasn’t an alarm that belonged to her. It continued unabated until she reached her arm up groping for the shape the noise was coming from. She was tempted to throw the phone across the room as it continued screaming at her. Carmilla was at that moment instantly grateful that her dresser had nothing on it but her phone, since she’d decided not to unpack as Laura slept. She opened one eye to look at the screen, her mind already regretting the decision as the screen shone brightly in the well-light room. She sighed, remembering she’d set the alarm earlier than she would have in other cases so she could unpack and to be sure that if Laura returned to invite her to lunch she wouldn’t be around. _Because that is the kind of thing Laura would completely do._ She forced her other eye to join the first, letting the light in and trying to wake completely as she moved into an upright position. She scrolled through the phone in her hand, looking at her class schedule before checking her work schedule.

Carmilla went through the motions, grimacing as she forced herself out of bed. Carmilla’s teeth worried her bottom lip as she eyed Laura’s side of the room, decorated and homey. Her eyes fell to the yellow pillow Laura had been curled around the previous night. _You want to trade places pillow? You can have my bed to yourself, if I can have your spot._ Carmilla arched an eyebrow at her own thoughts before shaking her head and moving towards her bags. She started pulling things out left and right, throwing her bedsheets onto her bed, tossing somethings to get them out of her way, and shoving somethings haphazardly into dresser drawers. She carried on until the bags were empty and the walls had some adornment. She looked at her things, her eyes scanning her side of the room. _This is already starting to feel like home._ She made her bed, grabbing the clothes for the day that she’d tossed there alongside the sheets.

Carmilla eyed her silent phone for a moment before grabbing it, as her eyes passed over the room that had now officially been claimed by the both of them. She opened her snap chat app with a smirk. She stood in the center of the room, spinning slowly in a circle; she typed a quick banner and hit send. She eyed the time on her phone with a deep exhale. _Well I guess I should eat, and be out of here. I still have time to kill._ She looked at her phone a second longer before sending off a text and changing.

**To Will (11:23):** Breakfast?

Laura sat in the front of the class as others filed in. The professor organized things on the open podium centered in the room. She heard her phone chirp just as the professor cleared her throat to start class. Laura could feel her cheeks heat as the professor’s, Dr. Cochrane, eyes settled on her expectantly. She nibbled on her bottom lip as she reached into her bag quickly silencing the phone, before quickly turning back to the professor in front of her. _Maybe that’s Carm. She could want to get lunch. I’m almost finished with my classes for the day, she’s probably about to start hers._ Laura’s mind was tugged from her thoughts as Dr. Cochrane started speaking.

“Welcome to Mass Communication; integration of technology into media.” Laura listened intently, or tried to, as the professor spoke. _We’ll get to hang out and talk after we’re both done classes. Maybe I can help her unpack._ Laura shook her head, bringing her focus back to listening as Dr. Cochrane outlined the discussions the class would have throughout the semester. Laura’s mind drifted again. _How long was she out yesterday? I didn’t hear her come in. Maybe she was out all night. I hope she wasn’t avoiding me. But why would she do that. That wouldn’t make any sense. She just had somewhere to be. She probably had to work. I probably could have gone and visited her at work. Why didn’t I think about that last night? I mean I waited. She definitely didn’t get home until late. She probably had somewhere to go after work. I mean look at her, she probably had a date._ Laura could feel a frown build on her face. She wasn’t sure why, but she knew she wasn’t a fan of the conclusion she’d just arrived at.

Laura looked up, feeling eyes on her. Her eyes immediately were met with those of her professor. Dr. Cochrane was scanning Laura’s face slowly. “I know you might not like some of the topics, but they’ll be useful and interesting when they’ve been properly researched.” Her voice projecting to the class. Chagrined, Laura turned her attention to the syllabus, lying crookedly across her notebook. “We will also have a semester long project.” Laura looked up as the words grabbed her attention. “As you can see on your syllabus, starting next week, I expect you to report twice weekly on something around campus. It can be any topic you’d like, but it must pertain to the campus at large. You may use any medium you’d like, print media, you can fake a newspaper, photography, report using pictures and captions, broadcasting, radio, television, or a good old fashioned article style. Try to keep in mind this class in the integration of technology into media and create accordingly.”

Laura’s mind spun with the possibilities, tuning out the professor even as she continued to discuss assignments. As Laura got lost in her own mind, Dr. Cochrane wrapped up class. She was drawn from her thoughts by the sound of the students around her stuffing things into their bags and shuffling out. Laura quickly followed their example, as she reached the door, fishing her phone from her bag she turned back to the front of the room. “I’m really looking forward to this class, Prf. Cochrane.” Laura let the smile spread across her lips as she made her way towards the quad, her eyes dropping rapidly to her phone. She had multiple notifications.

Laura’s smile spread further as she watched the snap Carmilla had sent her. Her eyes followed as the phone showed the full 360 of their room. Her smile dropped momentarily and her eyes narrowed as she saw the clothes scattered about the floor, encroaching on the pathway through the middle of the room. She sighed, before her eyes flicked to the banner on the screen. ‘Home sweet home Cupcake.’ She couldn’t help it when her smile returned brighter than before. She quickly sent Carmilla a text before she moved through the rest of her messages, deeming none of them demanding of response.

**Laura (12:55):** yep that’s our home that you’ve turned into a mess. :P good to see you plan on staying though.

Carmilla trundled into her class a full five minutes early when her phone vibrated soundly in her back pocket. She frowned when she saw the room was already mostly full, students bustling in the small room, turning to talk to the person next to them. Instead of sliding into a seat in the back as she desperately wanted to, she trudged slowly up to where her professor stood, looking over what she assumed was the syllabus for the class. As she waited for the professor to finish what he was working on, she looked around the classroom deliberately, her eyes passing over each student before landing on one she recognized, whose eyes were already focused on her. She groaned internally when her eyes met their pale cornflower blue ones.

She turned her attention back to the professor, tapping him quickly on the shoulder. He turned awkwardly, surprise written lightly on his face. Carmilla waited as he came back to himself and his gaze settled on her with questioning eyes. She held up her phone to him, before he had a moment to speak. His scrutiny landed on the phone she held forward to him. “May I?” She nodded softly as he took the phone from her hand, his eyes moving back and forth over the text. He nodded as he finished reading, handing the phone back to her. _Don’t pity me. Don’t pity me. I don’t need pity._ Her mind repeated words like a mantra as his sympathetic gaze landed back upon her.

His voice was soft; she was grateful as she suspected he was doing it so no one else would overhear. “Ok. Well, participation is a sort of decent portion of your grade for this class.” He handed her a copy of the syllabus before looking down at the copies still in his hand as if he was expecting it to say something as she nodded in acknowledgement. “We have discussions so that we can fully understand the readings that I assign. I know you’ll be listening.” She nodded again. Her mind was practically screaming. _And I’d participate if I could. Well, to the extent I feel like it. There’s only so much flawed logic one can tolerate from these lack wits._ “So to get the participation credit,” She could tell he was searching for what to say next, she groaned internally. _Here comes pointless busy work. Fuck. This should be just so much fucking fun._ “You’ll need to write a paper on the discussion that we have in class. Usually, there will be two or more sides or arguments that are discussed. Each paper should be one page per argument in class. Does that sound fair?”

Carmilla arched an eyebrow, looking at him as if he’d grown a second head as he asked. _What does he expect? For me to say no? It’s the pretense of giving me a choice. That’s what that is. Does it sound fair? It sounds like something you’re not even going to read. Do I really care about that 15% of my grade? Crap. I guess I, kind of, do. Seriously though, does it sound fair? What would he do if I said no?_ Carmilla raised her shoulders, prolonging the shrug as he waited for an answer from her. Finally, she just nodded, accepting her fate. “Good. Good.” He nodded. _I wonder if he’ll even remember this arrangement. I mean he wouldn’t be the first to forget, he even had to look at his syllabus to know how much the class participation portion of the grade was worth. This could be interesting to test._ She felt a smirk ride over her features as she turned away from the professor, sidling over to a chair in the back of the room and hunkering down.

She fished out her phone at the same time she plopped her leg over the top of the desk. She sprawled comfortably in the last row of desks in the room, eyeing her phone as the professor started class. Her smirk turned into a grin as she read Laura’s text.

**Carm (1:05):** Mess? Whatever could you mean, cutie? That room is downright pristine. Were you worried I wasn’t planning on staying? ;)

“Hey.” The voice came whispered from the desk to her left. She turned her head to find the source after hitting send on the text she had composed to Laura. Her eyes landed on the short red hair first, swooping over their pale blue eyes set in their pale, oval face, their thin lips set in a line as they looked at Carmilla. Carmilla nodded once before trying to turn her attention back to her phone. “You’re Laura’s roommate right?” She nodded again as the phone in her hand lit and vibrated with a new message.

**Laura (1:07):** Pristine!? I don’t know if you know what that word means :P And you didn’t come back last night. I mean you did but not until real late. I guess I was worried you might’ve decided you didn’t want to be my roommate. I mean you just walked in dropped your stuff and left. So I guess I wasn’t sure.

Carmilla’s brow furrowed as she read Laura’s text. _Crap. Go me. I made her think I was moving out or didn’t want to be her roommate. Crap. Crap. Crap._ LaFontaine’s voice, once again, drew her out of her thoughts. “Why didn’t you come with Laura and Perry and I to breakfast this morning? It would have been fun.” Carmilla’s eyebrows crawled into her hairline in response to the question; her eyes filled with disbelief. “Oh, I get it. You’re a vampire, yeah?” This time she stayed steady, unmoving, her gaze still filled with disbelief. “Oh. I never introduced myself.” At this, she let out a soft sigh and turned back to her phone, pulling up the memo app quickly, and starting to type. “I’m LaF –” She threw the phone up in front of their face interrupting them mid-word.

They dropped their gaze from her to the screen held in their face quickly. ‘LaFontaine. They/them. Unofficial truth speaker. Yeah. I know. I’m Carmilla, though I’m gathering that you know that already. So what exactly do you want?’ She watched them read the screen. As soon as they lifted their eyes from the phone, their face split into a massive, mischievous grin. Carmilla arched an eyebrow waiting for response.

“You don’t speak, do you?” Carmilla’s eyes snapped into focus at the question, her brow furrowed and frustration written into her gaze; she could feel her heart speed in her chest at their words, annoyance lacing her throat. “Sorry. That wasn’t the least bit tactful. But as a scientist, I had to test the variables before coming to a conclusion. So I came over here to talk to you. That not remotely tactful thing was me coming to the conclusion quite abruptly. After, of course, weighing all the facts, you know?” Carmilla looked down, suddenly becoming very interested in fingertips. She looked up at them while keeping her chin down, searching their eyes for the pity or condescension or any number of other reactions she received when people found out. Their pale baby blue eyes were devoid of any of those things. Carmilla let herself lift her head to look at them fully. Her eyes searched their face, finding not only none of the usual responses, but their face seemed to be lit, like this was the coolest thing they’d ever learned.

Carmilla could feel that her eyebrows seemed to want to hide in her hair at this point. She turned her attention back to the phone typing again into a memo before holding it out at LaFontaine once again. ‘I speak ~~. Just not often~~ whenever I can. Not whenever I want to, but whenever I can.’ LaFontaine’s eyes moved across the words. They smiled, nodded and looked back up at Carmilla with something she didn’t recognize in their eyes, something she could only guess at. She thought it might be something akin to respect or reverence. _For once, someone knowing doesn’t make me feel worse about it and I don’t feel like I have to tell them to keep it to themself. This is Laura’s friend. Of course, walking sunshine incarnate would attract decent people and be a pretty good judge of character._ The professor droned on, repeating the syllabus word for word, in the background as Carmilla turned her attention back to the phone in her hands and LaFontaine turned back to look at the front of the room.

**Carm (1:24):** What do you mean that’s not pristine, cupcake? We just moved in. that is literally the cleanest our room will ever be. And, cutie, I texted you that I had somewhere I had to be. Besides I felt like I was interrupting you and your ginger giant girlfriend.

**Laura (1:29):** I hope it’s not the cleanest our room would be. :P yeah I know you did I just thought we’d get to hang out. Also hey be nice, she’s not my girlfriend but she is my friend.

**Carm (1:37):** I can’t imagine when it would be cleaner. So she’s not your girlfriend? Is she your boyfriend? ;)

**Laura (1:43):** you’re clearly not trying to exercise your imagination heard enough. :P And no she’s neither, just a friend.

**Carm (1:46):** Maybe my imagination is too preoccupied with other things, cutie. ;)

**Laura (1:47):** Oh really? And what might those things be? ;P

**Carm (1:50):** That’s for me to know and you to maybe find out some other time.

Carmilla smiled, reading and rereading Laura’s text where Carmilla was reasonably sure Laura had just declared herself single. Carmilla felt a nudge to her shoulder, she looked up to see LaFontaine moving to stand as they packed their syllabus into their bag along with their notebook. Carmilla grabbed her bag as she stood, latching it to her shoulder and moving toward the door; she walked to her next class with her eyes squarely on her phone.

**Carm (1:55):** Your friend LaF is in my Epistemology class. I’m going to have to deal with all of your gingerbread buddies now, aren’t I?

 

**Laura (2:26):** Oh come on, Carm. You’ll grow to love ‘em. They’ll all be your best friends soon.

Carmilla went through the same routine with the other two professors for the rest of her philosophy classes that day. She went to the front of the class, either got a replacement assignment in place of participation credit or a wave of the hand and then she retreated to the back and continued texting, occasionally snapchatting, with Laura throughout the rest of the class as the professor nattered on about the syllabus. She sighed as her last class ended and she read her most recent text from Laura.

**Laura (4:52):** When are you done classes, Carm? We could hang out tonight and get pizza or something. Binge on cookies and watch things! :D

Carmilla made her way down the campus green, letting the brick walkways lead her to the library as she casually eyed her phone. She typed up a quick response to Laura before shoving her phone in her pocket and heading to the back of the library to start her shift.

**Carm (5:06):** I actually just finished, sweetheart. But much as I would love to hang out and watch you cookie yourself into a diabetic coma, I have work tonight. I’ll see you later though. :)

Laura laid back on her bed lost in thought, a cookie in one hand, and her phone in the other. When she’d walked into the room after lunch, it had looked just as the snap, Carmilla had sent, showed. She’d nudged black leggings out of the way with a sigh. _Well we’ve talked all day, she’s clearly intending to stay. She even seemed to be surprised I thought she might not. Maybe when she finishes work we can hang out. Or I can go visit her. That’s an option. Maybe not._ A knock and the sound of her door opening dragged her out of her thoughts. Laura turned her head, to see Perry and LaFontaine standing in the entrance of her room.

“I hope you’re not intending to make that your dinner.” Perry waved at the cookie in Laura’s hand, her eyes narrowed at the offending circle. “Come on, sweetie. Let’s get you something that isn’t made of glucose and palm oil.” Perry gestured, urging Laura up and off of her bed. Laura stood with a groan, following Perry and LaFontaine out the door. “How were your classes today?” Perry asked after walking through the dorm in silence.

Laura’s face creased as she thought back to the classes she’d had. “Oh well. My journalism class seems like it’s going to be pretty cool. I mean one of the project is to report throughout the semester on something that would pertain to the campus at large. So it’s almost like being a reporter for the school paper. Which if I read the syllabus correctly, it could be included if it’s of particular value.” Laura beamed as she spoke, her face lit with the excitement she felt for the project. “I just have to figure out what I’m going to report on.” She said as they walked into the student cafeteria.

LaFontaine led them through the line before finding a table. They sat with their tray before them their brow furrowed. “You could report on what they hell they’re serving as food at this university.” They nudged the food with their fork as Laura bit back on a laugh and Perry swatted them. “What?” LaFontaine asked with raised eyebrows. “You have to agree there’s something questionable about some of the food they serve. And I could be your science correspondent. I could do some experiments, help you get all the facts.” LaFontaine’s eyes lit with the excitement that Laura’s had held only moments ago. Perry shook her head quietly.

“Nah. Thanks though LaF. That’s not nearly as hard hitting as I want to be in this report. And also I’m pretty sure Perry thinks you look better with both of your eyebrows intact.” She smiled lightly as she turned her gaze to Perry for confirmation. Perry looked at Laura and then turned toward LaFontaine and nodded. Perry continued to pick at her food just as LaFontaine and Laura were doing, when Laura continued. “The rest of my classes were pretty uneventful. I mean all we did in all of them was talk about the syllabus and get put into groups for upcoming group projects. How were your classes?”

LaFontaine looked up with a grin spreading across their face. “Your roommate was in one of mine.” Laura nodded knowingly as she took another bite of the scrambled eggs that adorned her plate. “She seems pretty cool, L. Though she’s quiet, but, uh, expressive.” LaFontaine laughed softly, drawing confusion from Laura and a nod from Perry.

“She working tonight. I was thinking of going to visit her. I mean we still haven’t hung out yet.” Laura’s eyes were steady on her plate as she spoke. Perry was nodded, a smile, full and encouraging, on her face.

LaFontaine cleared their throat. “That’s probably not the best idea, L. I mean it’s not like you can hang out with her when she’s working, you could get her in trouble by being a distraction.” Perry was once again nodding, her face indicating she agreed with LaFontaine’s assessment. “Perry will tell you that communication is key, but interrupting her at work, probably not the best way to open lines of communication. That’s more ambush like.” Laura’s brow furrowed as she thought about what LaFontaine had said. _They’re right. I mean I’d be annoyed if someone showed up and kept me from getting work done when it was especially important that I do._ The group continued chattering away as they ate and then walked back to the dorm.

Laura flopped onto her bed after her goodbyes to Perry and LaFontaine. She looked at the clock, wondering when Carmilla would be finished work. She checked her phone and noticed no messages. _She must be busy. Definitely better I hadn’t gone and surprised her. But that doesn’t mean I can’t message her. It can’t be any different than she and I texting during class._ She lifted her laptop off the foot of the bed, opened it and set it up to watch Netflix. Laura slid her phone from her pocket with a smile, quickly pulling up the snap chat app, and deciding what to send.

Carmilla smiled as she heard her phone sound off in her pocket. She set another three books the shelf she was working on before she unlocked her phone, tapping on the notification. Suddenly, Laura’s brilliant smile filled her screen, dragging a smile from her. Laura sat back on her bed, once again in a tank top, this time navy blue, and Carmilla assumed her plaid pajama bottoms. She grinned into the camera. “See, Carm. You’re missing out on all the fun.” The camera swung wildly to show Laura’s laptop with a package of cookies next to it and Netflix brought up on the screen. “What should we watch?” Laura’s luminous smile was back right before the image cut completely. Carmilla looked at the books she was working on again with a sigh.

Laura started an episode of Agents of Shield, leaning back against her pillows rested against her headboard. Her phone chirped softly, muffled by blankets. She tapped open Carmilla’s response eagerly. The screen started dark, bringing a crease to Laura’s brow, worried that something had broken. “Yes, cupcake, looks like that’s where the fun is.” The camera pulled out to reveal Carmilla, a smirk pulling at the corner of her pale lips, her eyes shining in rich chocolate hues, her porcelain skin glowing in the lighting of the library. Laura’s eyes drifted over her form as she continued. “I’m just sitting here with this pile of books.” Carmilla turned the camera, showing rows and rows of bookshelves. “So what are we watching?” The screen went back to the white notification screen as soon as she finished talking.

Laura grinned down at the computer in front of her. She took a quick snap of what she was watching. Carmilla took longer to reply. Laura got through the first episode and started another before she got a response. They continued like that throughout the evening. They started with snaps but as it got later they switched to text. Laura watched 5 or 6 episodes over snap chat and text with Carmilla. _She still isn’t home. I wonder if she’s coming home tonight._ Laura’s mind was questioning, even as she enjoyed the playful back and forth they shared. Laura felt her eyes start to droop. Her laptop nudged off to the side so she could watch curled up around her pillow. As she let sleep take her, her mind dwelt on one question. _Where does she go at night?_

Carmilla walked into a darkened room, lit by a glowing black screen with the question ‘Are you still watching?’ scrawled across it. She grinned as she looked over the girl curled around the computer. Laura lit by the glow, but to Carmilla, she seemed to be the one glowing. She leaned forward and pulled the computer away from Laura’s sleeping form. As she hovered, Laura shifted, her hand sliding over Carmilla’s. “Mmm, Carm.” Carmilla’s eyes shot to Laura’s face, still placid, and marked with the signs of sleep, her breath still coming in steady, soft puffs. “Ok. We’ll watch later, Carm. Goodnight, Carm.” Carmilla gently pulled her hand back with the laptop gripped tightly between her fingers. She shut the computer and placed it on Laura’s dresser.

She eyed the sleeping girl before her, no longer biting back on the smile that was taking over her face. “Yeah, cutie, we’ll watch later. Promise.” Carmilla whispered soothingly as she moved over to her bed. “Goodnight, cupcake.”


	8. I'm Not Broken

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have many ridiculous thoughts and ideas swirling through my head, as you may have noticed, based on my works. Today I grace you with many words, all arranged into sentences and stuff like that. 
> 
> As usual, I proof this stuff myself, so if you see a mistake, help a sister out or pretend it's not there (both acceptable courses of action). And as always, thanks muchly for reading, commenting and for the kudos, feel free to let me know what you think. All the very kind comments and kudos encourage me to keep writing and I most definitely thank you for those. Hope you enjoy!

Laura’s eyes opened slowly, her alarm going off under her pillow, muffled to the room’s other occupant. She blinked trying to force herself to become accustomed to the light streaming in through the window. Her eyes adjusted, settling on the girl in the bed across from hers. It had been more than a week, the routine had been surprisingly consistent. At no point, were they awake together in the room. It was starting to grate on Laura. Laura would wake to Carmilla asleep across from her, she’d do everything in silence hoping that when she returned from class or breakfast that Carmilla would be awake and willing to hang out and talk. She wouldn’t see Carmilla for the rest of the day. Laura would hope and wait and the room would stay empty until she’d fallen into a deep sleep. And she’d wake the next morning to Carmilla asleep. During the days, they texted and snapped and messaged back and forth almost constantly, but never in each other’s presence. It was like a long distance relationship, despite the fact they literally lived together. Even on the weekend, Laura had tried to puzzle it out more than once and was finding no answers. The more Laura thought about it, the more she felt a sinking in her stomach.

Laura slowly made her way out of bed and started to prepare for the day, her thoughts stuck on Carmilla. _If I hadn’t already decided on campus history and changes for my journalism project, Carmilla would be the perfect subject for an investigation. She’s got the mysterious vibe working for her. Except it isn’t a vibe. She is mysterious. We talk every day, but I still feel like don’t know anything about her._ Laura’s mind circled, leaving and landing back on questions about Carmilla as she dressed and went through her morning routine. She checked her phone on her way out of the room, noticing a text from Danny.

**Danny (7:23):** Hey Hollis. I know class has been cancelled for the last week so don’t forget we have Lit today. I’ll meet you by the library if you want to walk together?

Laura felt a smile ease over her features at Danny’s reminder. She paused at the door with a sigh, her eyes landing once again on Carmilla’s sleeping form, grace and peace written over her smooth features. _Why is this so hard? Maybe I should talk to Danny about it. She might have some insights. Maybe I should just ask Carm. I mean how is it we’ve gone through more than a whole week without even once actually talking to each other. I’m really starting to feel like she’s avoiding me. And that’s ridiculous, but it doesn’t seem so ridiculous anymore._ Laura turned and ventured out the door, closing it quietly behind her.

Carmilla rustled under her covers as her alarm sounded above her head. The alarm chirped for another minute or two before Carmilla sighed gently and extricated herself from the tangled bedsheets. She sat up with a groan, her eyes running over Laura’s empty bed. She grabbed her phone, flicking the alarm to silence. Her eyes roamed around the room. _More than a week. I haven’t actually seen her in more than a week. I mean I have, but only when she’s been asleep. She did something to her alarm so I don’t wake up to it. Even then it wasn’t enough to only see the back of her. Why does everything have to be so hard? I actually almost miss not being her roommate, because then I at least got to see her eyes. Snapchat isn’t the same as watching her face light up in conversation._ Carmilla shook her head, pushing away the thoughts twirling in her mind. She let her eyes drop to the phone in her hand as it vibrated lightly, message reminder vibrations. Twice.

**Laura (9:34):** Morning sleepyhead. :) Maybe you could do something about the mess on your side of the room with the time you have between now and your first class.

Carmilla rolled her eyes, but felt herself smile as she read Laura’s text. It seemed to have become a habit; Laura sent her a good morning text every day for the past week and almost always made a comment about how the room was messy or how it was Carmilla’s turn to buy hot chocolate. Carmilla sighed as her mind thought of actually sitting down and sharing hot chocolate with Laura in the same place at the same time. Her eyes slid to the next notification, an email.

**Reminder**

**19 th Century Supernatural Literature will be held today as scheduled.**

**Attendance is expected for you to maintain a spot in the class.**

Carmilla’s eyes roved over the email as she stood. _Great my first class of the day is even earlier this week than it was last week._ Carmilla’s eyes glanced at the time. She’d been making sure to be gone by the time Laura’s classes ended so she had time. _Laura._ Carmilla ran her hand through her hair with an audible exhale as she looked at the time on her phone. _Might as well get this day over with._ Carmilla ignored her phone as it cheeped as she lazily moved through her wakeup routine. Carmilla moved through the room with ease, preparing for the day. She snatched her phone from the dresser. As she made her way out the door, she checked her notifications. 

**Will (11:16):** Hey sis. Meet for food. See you in 20? 

Carmilla let her feet carry her down the street as she read the text. Will had figured out her schedule which caused her to smirk. She turned quickly making her way to the Zeta house as she typed in her response. 

**To Will (11:31):** Be there in a minute. Beefcake better be ready. I’m not waiting. 

She flipped back to Laura’s message screen, rereading Laura’s text, a smile plastered on her face as she walked. She looked up quickly, taking in her surroundings, before returning her attention to her phone and typing a response as her feet climbed the stairs of the Zeta house, a white house with crumbling blue stairs that led to a blue porch and a red door just one of many along fraternity row. 

**Carm (11:49):** Messy? Whatever do you mean, cutie? Our room is the picture of cleanliness, I mean it’s practically sterile. Anyway, how’s your day going, cupcake? 

Carmilla slipped her phone into her back pocket as she banged on the door, leaning on the frame in wait. She heard jostling and banging, stumbling, laughter and hollering, before the door slammed open. “Hey Kitty.” Carmilla shook her head at her brother as he stood in the door way, out of breath with Kirsch leaning on him as he put on his shoes, swaying lightly as his balance faltered. “You ready to go?” Carmilla nodded and backed away from the door, her brow furrowed at how quickly the two of them seemed to be pushing her out the door. Kirsch slid an arm over her shoulder and began pulling her down the sidewalk, quickly and awkwardly, earning him a glare and a raised eyebrow. 

She cleared her throat softly. “What is it with you two? You know you didn’t have to run me out of there.” 

Kirsch and Will exchanged an uncomfortable look over her head before turning her attention back to her. “Well, we sort of did.” Will started slowly before Kirsch looked at him and then pulled her slightly closer to himself. 

“Theo was being an epic douche.” Carmilla stopped abruptly, pulling out of Kirsch’s hold and crossing her arms over her chest, her expression expectant, as if to imply ‘when isn’t he a douche?’ as she waited. “So, you know how you’ve been hanging out here in your free time?” Carmilla nodded slowly, waiting for him to continue. “Well, he’s pissed because he’s been hitting on you and you haven’t said anything to him.” Carmilla’s eyebrows fell, her face falling stoic in the same motion. “He kept saying things, which I’m not going to repeat, because I have mad respect for all the ladies, but you especially, totally mad respect, bro. So Will told him that you don’t swing that way, because, you know, you don’t. And he went off about how you just needed a guy to fix that, which is so not cool, but that you were a bitch who didn’t even respond to any greetings he was polite enough to throw your way. And,” Kirsch rubbed his hand over the back of his neck, his gaze dropping to the ground in front of them. “Well, Will and I kind of lost it on him. And, Will might’ve told him you don’t really speak much at all since you’re mute.” Carmilla felt her blood run cold, her eyes narrowing at the two of them, studiously avoiding her glare. “And then, Theo just said you needed someone, him, to, uh.” Kirsch was twisting, looking around, his features schooled in the depths of discomfort, mirroring Will’s, his hand scratching across his short brown hair. 

“Out with it.” Carmilla’s voice came out cold and harsher than she’d intended, but she was losing her patience quickly. 

Will’s eyes quickly flicked over Carmilla’s features before settling back on the ground where he seemed to be studying a crack in the sidewalk with all the expectation that it was moments away from opening and swallowing him whole. “Well. He said you needed someone to make you scream. That would get you talking. That you just didn’t talk, not that you couldn’t, he said you were doing the one thing girls do well, faking it.” Kirsch rambled out, his voice filled with the discomfort written across his face. Carmilla’s eyebrows climbed into her hairline, she felt a growl rumble out of her chest, predatory and fierce. She started to whip around when she felt a hand curl over her bicep gently. “We both know how you prefer to fight your own fights, but that was so not cool, and not acceptable and not bro. Uh. Will and I punched him. Well. Will punched him, possibly more than once, and that started the fight in which I punched him. Multiple times.” 

Carmilla could feel her heart stall and her features softened as she looked over the overly large puppy. Now, that she looked, she could see a fresh bruise starting to build at the edge of his mouth, a red line below his left eye that was sure to turn into a black eye. She turned her attention to Will, her eyes roaming over his features, she could see the beginnings of bruising on his knuckles as he clenched and unclenched his fists. 

She opened her mouth but, before she could speak, Kirsch started again, his voice no longer laced with pure discomfort, but tinged with agitation and annoyance. “So we, me, Will, and Theo, are all being pulled in front of the Greek council, to assess our worthiness against the values and principles of Greek associations.” Will and Kirsch let out joint sighs. “Everyone thinks that the council will come down on our side, since Theo said some incredibly not ok things, and this isn’t the first time, but until everything of that sort is dealt with, you’re not allowed at the house, bro. And Theo is on the warpath, since all the brothers voted to boot him from the house, pending the ruling from the council. I don’t care what the council says, he is not my brother. You are.” Carmilla couldn’t stop the soft chuckle that escaped at his words, Will’s chuckle joined hers. “Or, well, you know what I mean. But that means you can’t hang out like you have been.” 

Carmilla nodded, walking toward Kirsch and her brother. She laid a hand on each of their arms, comfortingly. “Uh. I guess thanks for defending my honor. Or whatever.” The goofy grin that Kirsch always wore built itself back over his features, as he beamed, his chest puffed in pride at her response. Will smirked, and mouthed a quiet ‘anytime sis.’ The group started making their way down the street once again when Carmilla spoke. “Well, I guess I just lost my best hiding place. Not hiding, but avoiding, eh not that really, whatever.” 

Kirsch’s and Will’s faces both twisted with confusion. “What do you mean, Kitty?” 

“Not that I don’t love you guys, but I was kind of avoiding being in the room when Laura was awake. So I wouldn’t have to, uh.” Her eyes landed on Will’s filled with an incredulous gleam. “Oh, come on, don’t look at me like that.” 

“You’ve been living with her for more than a week?” Carmilla nodded slowly. “And you haven’t been in the same room with her while you’ve both been awake? Really, Kitty? Don’t you think that’s a bit extreme?” 

“Ugh. Look. I don’t like it either. But it was my best option. I’m not ready to talk to her yet.” Carmilla pulled her phone out of her pocket fiddling with it as she continued. “If I’m not in the room she won’t notice if I don’t verbalize with her. I speak to her via text and snapchat all the time. I just want her to be able to see me and not just a glaringly obvious part of me.” She noticed the lit notification light shining at the top of her phone. She’d missed a text from Laura, she woke her phone and noticed the time. 

**Laura (12:34):** Mhm. Pristine, sterile, picture of cleanliness, that’s inconceivable. And I’m using that word correctly unlike the ones you’ve used to describe our room :P I’m meeting up with Danny to head toward my last class of the day. What about you, Carm? 

Carmilla grinned to herself as she read Laura’s text, before her eyes settled on the time again. She looked up, noticing Will was about to say something. “Whatever your brotherly advice might be, I don’t have time at the moment. My lit class starts in 20 min, I’ll see you guys later.” She walked away from Will, as Kirsch followed her, with an array of farewells, as they veered away from Will, Kirsch grinned. 

“My lit class is in 20 min too, Bro.” Somehow, despite the fact Carmilla didn’t think it was possible, his grin grew even wider. “This is going to be awesome! We’re going to be in the same lit class!” His excitement was palpable, as Carmilla let out a soft groan. 

She swiftly started a response as she let her feet carry her down the quad and across the green towards the classroom with Kirsch steadily by her side. 

**Carm (1:15):** Your adorkable Princess Bride references aren’t lost on me, but clearly you and I will have to agree to disagree on your understanding of the word inconceivable ;) I’m headed to my first class of the day, cupcake. 

Laura smiled as she read Carmilla’s text, her mind travelling away from Danny’s voice. _Well, now I know around when her first class of the day on Tuesdays and Thursdays is, and that it’s at the same time as my last class. Maybe this can lead to us actually talking, in person. I mean. I could maybe meet her at the end of class walk her to her next one. It wouldn’t be ambushing her it’d be like a surprise. Maybe I should work on finding out where the class is._ She shook her head gently, turning her attention back to Danny. “So you ready for this Hollis? I mean, Mary Shelley, Bram Stoker, J. Sheridan Le Fanu, and, of course, Edgar Allen Poe. I think you’re going to like this class. And the way the prof has it planned out, it’s going to be fun.” Danny smiled softly down in her excitement, her voice laced with it as they walked into the class a full fifteen minutes early. “You want to get lunch after class?” Danny’s face was lit with a bright smile, her eyes hopeful as she looked at Laura. Laura plopped her stuff next to a desk in the middle of the room, not too far forward, not to far back, with a soft sigh. 

“Maybe.” She smiled as her mind slipped back to Carmilla. _Maybe I can find Carmilla and go to lunch with her, or she could join Danny and I. Except, Danny doesn’t seem to like her. I wonder why that is. Now I have two mysteries to figure out, though one is so much bigger than they other. I have to choose my focus and I, of course, choose the mystery that is Carmilla. She’s my hot roommate after all. Oh, brain, why did you have to throw hot in there?_ Laura felt her brow crease as she tried to puzzle out why Danny seemed to dislike Carmilla so much. She shook her head gently before moving her attention back to Danny and slipping into the desk. “I might see what Carmilla is doing. I haven’t really seen her awake since move in day. I –” 

Danny cut her off immediately. “What?” Danny’s voice echoed around the empty room. “You haven’t seen her awake since you moved in? How is that? Does she just sleep all of the time?”

Laura shook her head, the crease in her brow deepening. “No. It’s not like that. I mean she doesn’t get back until after I go to sleep and then she’s asleep when I wake up. So we haven’t really had much of a conversation. Or any conversation at all really.” Danny’s eyebrows rose, her face crumpling in frustration. Laura could tell she was about to say something, something decidedly unkind. Laura’s voice sounded in the room, an octave higher than normal. “We do lots of texting and snapchats though!”

As Danny was about to respond, a shuffling turned her gaze. The professor strode in, carrying six books, piled neatly. Danny’s voice dropped to a whisper. “I don’t know, Laura. She sounds pretty sketchy. It’s like she’s a vampire or something, be careful she might want to eat you or something.” Laura giggled softly, her mouth turning up into an impish grin at Danny’s words. Danny’s eyes landed on Laura’s smirk. “Oh shut it. Grow up. You know I just meant she might be dangerous or something. Anyway, I’ll talk to you after class.” Laura hmmed softly as Danny turned and walked away, schooling her face in a pleasant smile as she approached the professor.

Laura sat, her phone in her hand as the classroom slowly filled with other students, all shuffling in and seating themselves in various locations around the room. _Maybe I should ask her what her class is. Then I could look it up and surprise her after class one day with hot chocolate or something like that. She’d probably like that and then we could hang out, or well, hang out as much as one can on a walk between classes._ She looked at the time on her phone, realizing she was running out of time, she quickly typed up a message and silenced her phone, sliding it into her bag. She was leaning down, her hands rifling through her backpack for the notebook she had designated for this class, when she heard a phone chirp loudly in the classroom.

She turned her head towards the sound, involuntarily. Her eyes landing on the girl standing in the doorway. She was dressed in black, black t-shirt and ripped black skinny jeans, accentuating the pallor of all of her visible skin, including the slits noticeable beneath the rips in her jeans. Her hair was a messy onyx halo about her head, leading down to her sharp marble carved features. Laura’s eyes took in her thin frame and flat lined lips, before landing on and exploring her mocha stained deep espresso eyes. Laura felt a smile tug at the edges of her lips, she recognized the girl instantly. Of course, she did. “Carm?” Her voice was soft, as if afraid that when she spoke she might make a mirage dissipate. Then, a shadow of a giant landed across Carmilla’s features. Laura groaned beneath her breath. “Kirsch?”

Carmilla stood in the doorway a moment as she silenced her phone as quickly as possible, her eyes searching the students seated before her, looking for anyone who had noticed the sound. Half the room it seemed had turned their attention to the sound, slowly turning back towards the front after her eyes glossed over them. Until she landed on a pair of eyes that didn’t turn. The eyes slid up her form, making her hope she wasn’t blushing. Carmilla’s eyes did the same, taking in the Laura’s form, beneath the pale blue button up shirt with the sleeves rolled to the elbows and her dark blue jeans. Carmilla’s eyes skated down the girl’s flawless butterscotch and caramel hair, over the lightly bronzed skin of her cheeks before landing on the honey, amber and hazelnut swirl of her eyes. Carmilla felt herself smirk before her lips fell flat again. She felt a breath soft at her back, causing all of her muscles to stiffen. “Dude. You have to keep walking. You’re creating a traffic jam back here.” Kirsch’s voice was soft and caring as he tried not to draw any more attention to her.

Carmilla nodded scarcely, before moving further into the room. Her eyes dropped away from Laura’s immediately as she looked at the path before her, making her way to the professor at the head of the class. It was only then that Carmilla noticed the red-headed giant, towering over the professor. _I just can’t catch a break, not only is Laura in this class, but I have to find out Brobdingnag is in the class too. Great. Just great. Kirsch is in the class too, so that counts as a sort of plus. But, I really cannot imagine how this whole scenario could be worse._ Carmilla waited as the ginger spoke to the professor, in a very authoritative manner. _Brownnoser. Seriously though? Why is she up here?_ Carmilla heard the words ‘as a teacher’s assist’ and felt herself deflate. _Right, I spoke too soon earlier. The ginger colossus is the TA for this class. Of course, she is. Fuck._ Carmilla rolled her eyes at the realization.

Carmilla had to control the impatient tapping of her foot as their conversation continued. Her eyes swept the classroom again, landing quickly on Laura and the giant oaf sitting next to her. They were talking softly and animatedly. _I wonder what they’re talking about._ The professor finally finished up with the ginger juggernaut. Danny turned to see Carmilla standing there, she moved to the professor’s side, her eyes narrowing on Carmilla. Carmilla watched this gesture with a mixture of amusement and annoyance.

The professor’s attention landed on Carmilla. “Oh. Hello. What can I do for you?” Carmilla looked at the professor and then moved her eyes back and forth between the professor and Danny. He finally seemed to get the memo, Carmilla was trying to convey. “Ms. Lawrence. Would you hand out the syllabus while I speak with this student so we can start immediately once I’m finished?” Carmilla watched as Danny grumbled beneath her breath, but picked up the stack of papers from the desk and moved away. “So, what can I do for you?” She held up her phone so that he could see. His eyes moved from hers to the phone she held forward to him. “May I?” She nodded softly as he took the phone from her hand, his eyes moving back and forth over the text. He nodded as he finished reading, handing the phone back to her. “Ok. We’ll talk after class.” He spoke softly as he handed her a syllabus. She nodded softly as she turned and walked away.

Laura jumped as Kirsch spoke, surprising her with his volume. “Bro! Bro!” He waved his hand as Carmilla made her move toward the back of the room. “Duuuuuuuude.” A whine tainted Kirsch’s inflection, grabbing Carmilla’s attention. She turned to look at him with an exaggerated exhale. “You have to sit by us. Come on, bro.” Carmilla’s shoulders dropped as she turned and made her way towards Kirsch and Laura.

Laura watched the exchange with amusement dancing in her eyes. “Dude? Bro? Wow, Kirsch, I didn’t know Carm was either of those.” The amusement in her eyes slipping into her voice as her brow scrunched and she watched Carmilla slip into a chair on the other side of Kirsch. _Why didn’t she sit next to me? Well, I wasn’t the one who flagged her down, but she could have sat next to me._ Laura was pulled her thoughts as Kirsch responded to her comment.

“No, come on, little nerd hottie. Dude and Bro are totally gender neutral. I mean, like, even your friend science-dude is science-dude. They don’t mind.” Kirsch was grinning back at Laura as though he’d just been giving the biggest ice cream sundae. Laura shook her head softly as the professor started to talk about the syllabus.

Laura leaned forward looking past Kirsch, her eyes landing on Carmilla. “You know, Carm, you could have sat next to me.” She whispered, watching for Carmilla’s reaction.

Kirsch leaned forward, unnecessarily so that he was looking Laura in the eye. “It’ll be so much more fun this way though.” He looked at Carmilla for a second trying to get her to follow his unspoken logic. Carmilla let out a long soft sigh. _If I had sat next to her I would have to talk to her. Words. Whispered. Spoken. Now it’s got to be a game of telephone. Thank you Kirsch. An intermediary, just like snapchat or texting. Less pressure._ Carmilla nodded. “I can pass notes between you two if you want, and it can be like our own in class game of telephone.” Kirsch grinned widely as he looked between the two of them.

The professor’s voice cut through their conversation suddenly. “I want everyone to look at the four people nearest them.” He walked around the room, pointing at those who made up the groups, he spiraled from those closest to the walls inward to the middle. “You four.” He pointed at a group and moved on to repeat the act with the next group. When he got to Carmilla, Laura, and Kirsch, he pointed to the three of them before he paused looking around the room. “Since we have an uneven number of people for this, I’m going to have Ms. Lawrence join this group, so you’ll have four.” He returned to the front of the room. “These will be your discussion groups.” He settled, leaning against the edge of the desk. “You will work with these groups for the rest of the semester. We will have two group projects, and these will be your groups for those. These will also be your proofreading groups for any papers you write for this class and I will have you break into these groups for discussions of the readings that you’ll have.” His gaze swept across the room. “Your participation points will depend on your interactions with your group during projects, discussions and proofing. So get comfortable with them.”

Carmilla looked at Kirsch, her eyes filled with frustration and worry when they met his. _I will have to see him after class. There’s no way this is going to work for me. I can proof, that’ll work. But this? I can’t talk during discussions. Oh god. If the group projects involve presentations. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. What the hell. Maybe we can figure something out._ “Ok groups, I want you to spend the rest of the class getting to know your group members, exchange contact info and such, you know what to do.” Laura turned her desk as Danny folded herself into and turned the desk next to Laura. A din settled over the room with the moving of desks and the mutters and mumbles of awkward conversations starting around the room.

Laura grinned widely at Carmilla who simply felt lost. Carmilla stood hastily and moved away from the square of desks before anyone could protest. She moved up to the professor, nervously. He was straightening papers laying across the desk as she tapped his shoulder. “Ah. Ms. Karnstein.” She lifted her phone to show him the memo app again. He shook his head slightly and spoke softly, the conversation staying between the two of them amidst the noise of the room. “I know, I don’t need to see it again, Ms. Karnstein.” Her eyebrow arched waiting for him to continue. “You can communicate.” He pointed to the phone in her hand. “You’re not deficient in anyway. So I’m not going to treat you like you are.” Her mind reveled in the idea of being treated just as everyone else was, but was revolted by what it entailed, _speaking_. “You don’t do public speaking, well, a lot of us don’t. Ms. Lawrence will present your section of the two group projects, as your surrogate voice. You give her a script and she’ll repeat it word for word. I’ll speak with her about it.” Carmilla wanted to groan, she wanted to scream. She didn’t want the ginger goliath to be able to hold that kind of information over her. She typed on her phone rapidly, holding it up for the professor to see.

“Yes, I guess there is such a thing as student confidentiality. She doesn’t need to know why she’s your voice surrogate, she just will be. I have gathered you don’t want me to tell her you are a selective mute, though I don’t understand why, I won’t. But you will have to communicate with her as well for the projects, as well as discussions, less so for proofing. As for discussions, proofing, and the rest of the projects, you’ll communicate with your group. You’re not discounted because you don’t speak, your phone works for you and it’ll work just as well when communicating with them.” He sat back on his desk, confidence written across his features. “Is there anything else?” She shook her head.

As she made her way towards the back of the classroom, she thought back to the week before and the professor who asked if his assignment was acceptable. _That professor wasn’t sure how to treat me. He was acting as if I were weaker than other students. No professor checks to see if their assignments are ok with their students. If I had told him, he probably would have changed it. This guy though. I get to be as normal as everyone else, because that’s how he thinks of me. I both really hate this professor and love him. This class is going to suck. In the best way possible, I think. God. What am I going to do about Laura? Fuck._ She kept walking past her group, as she spoke softly to each other. The professor’s voice cut through the room again. “For next class, start your reading on Uncle Silas. Read the syllabus.” Carmilla was almost out the door when she heard Kirsch behind her.

“Wait Carm-tastic.” Kirsch voice was soft. Carmilla didn’t stop, she didn’t even slow, hearing Kirsch walk calmly up beside her without out exerting himself due to his long legs. “What happened? You look, uh, you look paler than normal. And you sort of walked out without your stuff.” Kirsch held out her backpack to her, his goofy grin tinged in worry. “Laura wanted to know why you had to see the prof at the beginning and end of class. I just shrugged. Bro, you’re going to have to tell her something.”

She gracefully grabbed the bag from Kirsch’s and slipped it over her shoulder as she spoke. “I know, beefcake. I know. I’ll definitely have to since the professor is making me participate in everything.” Kirsch’s face lit in hints of confusion. “Group discussions, projects and proofing. He knows about me, and he said I’m not deficient and that means I get treated like everyone else.” Carmilla could feel the pull in her chest as she said the words. Her strongest fear had been everyone thinking that she was lacking, faulty, defective. Her heart ached at the thought of not being enough. _He said I’m not broken. I’m not. I know that, but no one else ever does, it seems._

Carmilla could hear the pounding of running feet behind her. A voice broke into her thoughts. “Carm! Wait! Carm!” The pounding feet, Laura’s pounding feet grew closer. Carmilla felt the urge to run, to turn and walk away as if she hadn’t heard the girl calling her name. But she couldn’t beg her legs to do it, it wasn’t in her heart to turn and walk away. She went against her instincts and stopped, Kirsch following her lead.

“I don’t know how to tell her Kirsch.” Kirsch’s face was soft, his grin morphed into a visage of sympathy. “I don’t like hiding from her.” Carmilla could hear Laura’s feet slapping the ground getting closer to the two of them. “Seeing her awake is so much better.” Kirsch nodded his head faintly, before Carmilla watched his eyes land on the girl whose footsteps were coming to a stop. _Laura._

“Hey Carm. You’re lucky, I know the one other person in our group because you left before we could talk or anything.” Laura grin was wide and pleasant. Carmilla felt a wrenching in her gut as she looked at Laura, whose breath was coming out jagged and hoarse. Carmilla shrugged in response.

Kirsch looked between the two roommates trying to gauge if he should stay with them or go his own way. His gaze met Carmilla’s, she imperceptibly shook her head. Kirsch took that as his sign to leave. “Ok. Little L. Carm-tastic.” He bobbed his head to the two of them and turned away. “I’ll see you later.” He grinned and made his exit, looking once over his shoulder to see Laura speaking excitedly.

Laura’s face was glowing, reflecting the sun, still tinted with light rose from her run. They walked next to each other, Carmilla unsure where their feet were carrying them. Carmilla’s eyes traced Laura’s features watching as she spoke animatedly. She was drawn quickly from her awe as Laura’s voice changed to a questioning tone. “I mean, don’t you think, Carm?” Carmilla stood silent for a moment before shrugging. She wasn’t sure what the question was about so a shrug seemed to her to be the appropriate response. “Oh come on, Carm. It’s a class about supernatural literature, of course, it’s going to be awesome and the professor seems to be pretty cool. Don’t you think?”

Carmilla quirked an eyebrow before nodding at the girl practically bouncing as they entered the dorm building. Laura continued happily. “I mean you know the professor, right? Did you have him for another class or something?” Carmilla shook her head adamantly. “So why did you go up to see the professor at the beginning and the end of class?” Carmilla looked at Laura, her eyes lighting over Laura’s features slowly, she shook her head softly. _She wants me to speak. She wants me to answer questions. Shit._ Laura’s voice softened. “Carm, why won’t you speak to me?” Carmilla drew a breath in through her teeth like she’d been hit. “Did I do something?” Carmilla’s mind reeled. _She thinks it’s her fault. I have to tell her it’s not her. I have to tell her it’s me. I have to tell her. I have to speak._

Carmilla’s jaw opened, she parted her lips, but nothing came out. She felt her frustration, build within her. _Come on. Just speak. It’s Laura. It’s just Laura._ Carmilla’s eyes were frantic, searching, her mouth opened and closed. Laura was watching with confusion and concern written on her face. Carmilla felt like she’d been hit, the more she tried, the stronger she felt the silence. “Carm?” Laura’s voice was barely a whisper. Carmilla floundered, like a fish out of water. Carmilla sighed. Her breathing labored as she tried to will herself to speak, though she knew she wasn’t ready. “It’s ok, Carm. You don’t have to say anything.” Laura’s voice was soft and sad, and more than Carmilla could take. Carmilla turned on her heel and walked silently out of the room. Laura’s voice calling after her, asking her to come back.


	9. Thoughts and Aftermaths

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear friends, readers, and people who prefer different terms of endearment,  
> I am so very sorry, I didn't mean to leave you on such a sad note for more than a day. It obviously has been longer than that. Sorry it took me so long to update this. Things got really crazy in my life. However, I have not given up on this story, and I thank you all for sticking with me. I'm going to try to be shooting for a weekly update schedule. So there might even be regularity to updates. Yay for that. 
> 
> As usual, I proof this stuff myself, so if you see a mistake, help a sister out or pretend it's not there (both acceptable courses of action). And as always, thanks muchly for reading, commenting and for the kudos, feel free to let me know what you think. All the very kind comments and kudos encourage me to keep writing and remind me that people actually read what I write and I most definitely thank you for that. Hope you enjoy!

Carmilla’s feet carried her from the dorm without Carmilla even giving a thought as to where she was going. Her mind replayed the last several minutes, like a small child watching its favorite movie. Carmilla’s mind stuck on Laura’s face, scribbled in confusion, concern, sadness, and worst of all hurt. Carmilla felt her stomach turn as her mind showed her Laura’s visage as it progressed through emotions. Laura’s face falling from excitement, to confusion, shifting into worry as she asked Carmilla to speak before settling into a mix of emotions that Carmilla had never wanted to cause in the girl. 

Carmilla walked without purpose, her eyes open and flickering from object to object, but she didn’t see anything, trapped as she was in her thoughts. Her thoughts berated her as she walked. Her mind screaming at her. _All I had to do was speak. I wanted to so badly. If only to remove that look of hurt from Laura’s face. How can I face her after that? She’s probably decided something’s wrong with me. She’s probably written me off. I mean I cause her hurt. She was sad. Her voice was so sad and confused. And I just kept walking, she called me back and I just kept going. Well, I’ll probably have a single room soon enough._ Carmilla felt a sad scowl crawl across her features at the thought. _What if Laura moves out? Oh damnit. I don’t want her to move out. I need to be able to speak to her. I need to._ Carmilla wandered for hours, her feet carrying her all through the college town and various suburbs, she didn’t make it to any of her classes for the rest of the day. As the day light started to wane and the temperatures started to drop into the range indicating the beginning of an early autumn evening, she slowly snapped out of her walking trance. Her eyes shifting from unfocused and oblivious to sharp, landing on her surroundings instead of flicking past them. 

_I need to be able to speak to her. I have to keep trying._ Carmilla’s phone sounded in her hand, something she hadn’t noticed in her hours of walking. She unlocked the phone to see she had messages from Laura who had both called and texted, Will, Kirsch and the most recent was from the colossus, herself. 

**Unknown Number (19:35):** Laura gave me your number since you didn’t feel like participating in the time to get to know your group members. I don’t know what you said to the prof to get away with this but I have to do the presentation part of your group projects. Which is rather rude because no one else gets that option but whatever. Since you’re getting this special treatment, you will have to get me your script for the project a week before the presentation. And it better be good don’t think I’m going to embellish it for you or help you out with grading. 

Carmilla rolled her eyes as a scoff escaped her lips. _If only Brobdingnag had the slightest clue as to what she was talking about. Special treatment. Really. This is probably the least special treatment I’ve ever gotten in my life. Whatever, agent orange, you get to think whatever you want. Not like I’m going to tell you the truth, if I can avoid it, anyway._ Carmilla scoffed again as she reread the text before sending a simple response as she turned and started walking back through the campus, still with no set direction, but more aware of her surroundings: Whatever, Agent Orange. 

Carmilla’s eyes moved back and forth over the messages from Will and Kirsch. A groan escaped her throat as she read. 

**Will (15:52):** Hey Kitty. If you want to hang out later let me know. But just remember we’d have to do it elsewhere. You’re still persona non grata around here. Which you know I think is bunk but it is what it is. 

Carmilla sighed softly as she flicked to the next messages. Her eyes skimming them. 

**Kirsch (16:43):** Hey Carm-tastic. You want to hang out tonight? The house is a Carm-tastic free zone but that doesn’t mean we can’t still hang.

 **Kirsch (17:13):** Little L texted me saying you’re not replying. If you’ve gone off grid for a bit of silence let me know. I’ll pass the info back to her. I know you get tired of people sometimes.

 **Kirsch (17:56):** So Will and Laura have both told me they haven’t heard from you. Will said you’re probably hiding and isn’t worried, but I couldn’t tell Little L that you’re probably hiding. Questions and stuff, you know. I’m cool and all but Little L is so not calm, she’s worried. Did you fight or something?

Carmilla read each text from Kirsch multiple times. She could imagine his grin fading as the messages progressed. She had done exactly that, gone off grid, gotten lost in her thoughts. _Why does this have to be so hard?_

 **To Kirsch (19:53):** I’m fine beefcake. I was walking and thinking. We didn’t fight. I can’t really fight with her if I can’t get myself to say anything to her. Try as hard as I might, the words just wouldn’t come.

The sun settled low on the horizon as the last of the light bled away. Carmilla noticed the soft chill in the air, the smell of the dew settling on the grass. Her mind calming despite the fact she hadn’t resolved anything yet. She looked up, her eyes catching on the first visible star of the night. The stars were coming out. Carmilla let out a deep breath, she hadn’t realized had been caught in her throat. _Starlight, star bright, first start I see tonight. I wish I may I wish I might. Oh who am I kidding, this is ridiculous. The stars aren’t going to make this easier. There’s no magical fix. I just have to keep trying. I’ll figure something out._ The stars were calming, they always had been to her. She sighed softly to herself as she returned her attention back to her phone. She listened to Laura’s voicemail first, Laura’s voice filled with concern and confusion, lacking anger. Carmilla sighed, hearing Laura’s voice even in the sad state of the voicemail was almost as calming as the stars above her. She tried to let the peace in her mind remain as she opened the texts from Laura.

Laura paced the room again, Carmilla had walked out and she didn’t know why. She couldn’t get the image of Carmilla, silent, her mouth opening and closing before walking out, out of her head. It was engraved there, like it had been carved into metal. _What did I say? What did I do? Am I that bad of a roommate? She’s been avoiding me. I’m sure of it. I don’t know why. She hasn’t said anything to me. Nothing. I mean she’s never in the room. Except to sleep. It’s like she doesn’t want to be here. Why is that? Why doesn’t she want to be here? I have no other reason but to think it’s because of me. Maybe I should move out. No. If she has a problem with me she can girl the hell up and tell me or she can move out. This is ridiculous. She didn’t look mad though. She looked…scared? Worried? I don’t even know. I wish she would just speak to me. I don’t even know why she left._ Laura twisted her phone in her hands as she reach the far side of the room and turned back. 

**To Carm (14:50):** Carm, please come back. Please. 

_She just left. She looked, I don’t know, lost, scared, worried? I don’t know. I hope she comes back I don’t know why she left. She didn’t seem mad._ Laura turned and flopped down on her bed, her pacing was even starting to get on her own nerves. She opened a pack of cookies with a sigh. She munched on one as her attention settled back on her phone. She could feel her heart sink as her mind made a suggestion she didn’t like. _What if she doesn’t answer? What if she never wants to speak to me?_ Laura’s mind twisted and turned the situation, trying to see it from all sides which only made her feel ill and confused. Her gaze landed on the pile of books next to her desk, reminding her she needed to work on and submit the first half of this week’s section of her Journalism project. Laura typed up another message before forcing herself to get to work. 

**To Carm (15:05):** Carm, I’m sorry, I don’t know what I did. I don’t want whatever it is to come between us. We’re working towards becoming best friends right? Just talk to me, please?

Laura groaned gently as she stood from her bed and move to her desk. _Maybe working on homework will get my mind off of her._ She plopped into the desk chair less than gracefully. Her eyes drifted to her phone again. She started to shuffle through some of the papers piled on her desk, trying to ignore the cell phone that seemed to be getting quieter as the minutes passed. She sent another message before settling in to try and focus on the research for her project.

 **To Carm (15:38):** Carm, are you ok? Please talk to me. We’re roommates. And I think friends. You can talk to me. Did I do something? Just don’t avoid me? Please? 

Laura’s mind wandered and came back, stuck in a cyclical loop. She’d take a few notes for her project, the campus had been around forever it felt like, and then her mind would drift before coming back with more notes. Her mind would come up with ideas for her project and then ask questions about Carmilla. _The professor said to be creative. I could do this like a YouTube campus news broadcast. Available to everyone, whenever they want the access to it. It’s going to be campus history, so this week could be reporting on the layout changes or something, since the Dudley Chapel burned down I could investigate that and then… Why would she be avoiding me? We usually have great conversations over text and snapchat. Today’s silence notwithstanding. I mean I think they’re great. Maybe she doesn’t. Maybe I’m just annoying to her since I message her so much. She seems like the type of person who would be pretty blunt about that though... I should call it the University News Network. I can create an intro, video editing skills to the rescue!... And who just leaves? Like, without a word, turns and walks out the door. She’s just such a mystery. I don’t understand her. But I want to so badly… I could report on campus historical hazards. All of that will be relevant to everyone on campus now. I mean Dudley chapel burning, the questionable decisions by the board of governors through the years, there’s so much to report on here._

Laura’s eyes passed back and forth over newspaper after newspaper, her eyes skimming stories as her mind jumped back and forth between topics. A new headline caught her eye, pausing her thoughts. “Lilita Morgan becomes University’s first female president and dean.” Laura read over the article, punctuated with misogynistic undertones. The article questioned whether a woman could handle the job, asked what would happen if she decided to have kids, but ultimately welcomed the woman to the new position. Laura found herself intrigued. _The university’s first female president and dean wasn’t until the early 80s, she was also the youngest dean and president to ever be appointed too. Wow. It’s kind of sad that it wasn’t sooner, but still. I think I’ve found my first topic for this week, maybe even more than just this week._ A smile spread across Laura’s face before her eyes flicked to her silent phone halting the smile in place. _I have to keep trying._

**To Carm (16:52):** Carm. I hate the silence between us. We normally have such great conversations. At least I think we do. Please come back. Talk to me. You know I’m here for you right? 

_Maybe she just went to class. I mean that’s not unheard of. But usually she replies when she’s in class. In fact, that seems to be a personal pastime of hers, texting in class. And she’s usually done classes by like 4:30 or 5 so she should be free to respond now. Maybe I should text Kirsch to see if he’s heard from her. I mean, I don’t want to harass her, but I want to know she’s ok. I don’t want her to be hurt._

**To Kirsch (17:10):** Hey Kirsch, I’ve texted Carm a few times over the past few hours and she hasn’t replied. Have you heard from her?

 **Kirsch (17:10):** nah haven’t heard from her. why?

 **To Kirsch (17:11):** Well we got to the dorm and she didn’t say anything and I asked her why and she just turned and walked out. I don’t know what happened.

 **Kirsch (17:37):** She probably just went to class and then work or something. Maybe went for a walk. I’ll let you know if I hear from her.

 **To Kirsch (17:38):** I don’t know Kirsch. I’m worried about her. Like, this kind of silence isn’t normal for her. I don’t know what happened. I don’t want anything to happen to her. I like her Kirsch. She’s my friend.

 **Kirsch (17:39):** haha I know you do Little L. Pretty sure the only person who doesn’t know is the one who needs to know it the most. 

Laura groaned to herself as she read Kirsch’s reply. _I didn’t mean it like that. I mean yes I do like her but I didn’t think he’d assume I meant like that. Oh crap. Am I that obvious? Maybe that’s why she left. She doesn’t like me like that. That would also explain why she’s avoiding me. I’ve made her uncomfortable with my incredibly obvious crush. Holy crapsticks! Damnit. WORST. CRUSH. EVER._ Laura’s mind went frantic, reeling at the idea she had unintentionally pushed Carmilla away. Laura was pulled from her thoughts as her phone sounded twice in quick succession. 

**Kirsch (17:41):** Don’t worry. She totally likes you too. Has for a bit actually. I think it’d be so much easier for her if she knew you felt the same. Just something to think about nerd hottie. 

Laura took a deep breath as she read the text, a smile creeping involuntarily on to her face. _She likes me too. Well, at least according to Kirsch. Maybe that’s why she’s avoiding me, if she has been, she doesn’t want to make me uncomfortable with her crush since she thinks I don’t feel the same. Or she’s trying to pull back so she won’t ruin our newly forming friendship. I don’t even know anymore. My head is spinning with all of this. At this point, I just want her to respond. I want to know she’s ok. That we’re ok. Or that we can be ok._ Laura’s eyes drifted to the next notification, hopeful that Carmilla had responded. Her disappointment was clear as she saw the text. 

**Danny (17:41):** UGH. Your roommate is such rude entitled brat. She’s getting special treatment from Dr. Swindel. I don’t even know how she pulled that. It’s bull. He’s pretty harsh about that stuff normally, like signed doctor’s note and bunch of stuff like that, before he gives any sort of special treatment. What the crap is up with your roommate. How does she get special treatment? 

Laura read and reread the text from Danny her eyes widening as she read. _That’s what she was up there for at the beginning and end of class. Some sort of learning disability or something? Kirsch even said he didn’t know why she was up there though._ Laura’s mind wrapped and raveled around this new information. She wanted to say the new information was the truth she was looking for, the secret Carmilla was hiding, but her mind would have none of it. She heard Carmilla’s voice attached to her smirking, confident face in her mind telling her the Allegory of the Cave over snapchat. _I’m in the cave with the shadows. They are all I know. She is the fire, that I can’t see and know nothing of._

**Laura (17:50):** I don’t know what you’re talking about Danny. I really don’t. Maybe you shouldn’t jump to conclusions though. I don’t know what the situation is and neither do you. 

Laura sighed. She wanted to jump to conclusions. She wanted this to all add up to a clear and simple answer, but things were nowhere near simple or easy when it came to figuring out Carmilla and maybe that’s one of the reasons she was so interested in Carmilla to begin with. 

**Danny (18:05):** Whatever you say, Laur. She rude and there’s something about her, something off. And you may want to be blind to that for the moment but it’s there. 

Laura read Danny’s response with an audible exhale. She shook her head, deciding not to reply. Danny was headstrong and righteous and once that was so impressive to Laura, she reveled in it, but now Laura was starting to see that things were not as simple as the black and white of the way Danny saw things. Laura drifted over to her bed, phone in hand and crumpled on to her pillows with a groan. _You can’t live in a world where there’s simply one or the other. Very few things work that way. Things aren’t all black or all white. There are grays and every other color of the spectrum and I don’t know why Danny can’t see that._

Laura was pulled from her reverie by the soft shuffle of feet. She turned her gaze to the sound, seeing LaFontaine walk into her room. “Hey Frosh.” Laura smiled despite the sigh that was escaping her lips. She bit back on her correction when she met LaFontaine’s eyes. “What’s up, L? You look like someone showed you the cutest puppy in the world, but took it away and said you’d never see another puppy again.” 

Laura sat up turning her gaze to LaFontaine who was perching on the edge of Carmilla’s bed. “Oh. Uh. It’s nothing.” LaFontaine’s face twisted into a portrait of disbelief. “Oh. Fine. It’s Carm. I just. We. I’ve been worried that she’s avoiding me. We came back here after class. And I was talking, but she wasn’t and it was the first time I’ve seen her awake in more than a week. I asked why she wouldn’t talk to me, but she didn’t say anything. And I don’t know what I did wrong, or how I can fix it. And she just turned and walked out the door. Without a word. Nothing. I called after her and I’ve texted and called, but there’s been complete silence.” Laura stopped taking a deep breath before letting her eyes drop from LaFontaine’s pale periwinkle blue eyes to the floor. 

“Hey L. L.” LaFontaine’s voice was soft and filled with comfort and caring. “L look at me.” Laura lifted her gaze again, meeting LaFontaine’s soft, calm eyes. “L. I doubt she’s avoiding you. Keep in mind you both are on different schedules. You said you came back here together right?” Laura nodded slowly waiting to find out where LaFontaine was going. “Well avoiding you would have meant she turned away from you the second she saw you.” 

“But. She had to be near me, we have the same class. She won’t speak to me. She could still be avoi –” LaFontaine cut her off with a raise of their hand. 

“Look, Laur. She’s not avoiding you. She spends every second in Epistemology smirking at her phone when you two are texting or messaging. As for the not verbalizing with you part. I know something about that, but just as you wouldn’t want me telling others about your mom or things of that you hold close to yourself, what I know is Carmilla’s story to tell when she’s ready. But give her time. Text with her. Don’t tell her to talk to you, that’s pressure and clearly not something she’s ready for, maybe she just isn’t ready to tell you her story. Just be open with her. Keep your mind open. Don’t push, it’s like when you’re interviewing someone, you pull back and change topics if you ask a question that makes them stop answering, don’t you?” Laura nodded gently, her eyes falling to her hands in her lap again. “Pushing her is bound to make her shut you out, L and I know you don’t want that.” LaFontaine’s voice was comforting, soft and filled with consideration, their words rolled around in Laura’s mind. 

“You’re right. I didn’t even realize it. The more I tell her to talk to me, the more she shuts me out. I wasn’t even thinking about it like that.” Laura’s mind was running over the texts she’d sent, their conversation before Carmilla had left the room, the phone calls Carmilla had ignored. LaFontaine nodded gently. “Thanks, LaF.” 

LaFontaine nodded again before clearing their throat. “Anyway. Perry asked me to come in here and make sure you’ve eaten more than cookies, hot chocolate and grape soda today.” Laura laughed lightly, her eyes brightening at the caring both LaFontaine and Perry showed her. 

“I’m fine I want to work on this video for my Journalism class. I’ll eat for real later.” Laura smiled with a wave to the papers and books piled over her desk. 

“Eat later, right. You know Perry is going to hold you to that. She’ll withhold her brownies from you if she’s not convinced you’re eating a reasonably well rounded meal.” 

Laura gasped in shock. “Not the brownies! She can’t do that to me! That’s like cruel and unusual punishment! I’ll call someone about this sort of treatment!” LaFontaine chuckled as they stood and walked to the door, shaking their head. 

Laura turned her attention to the papers on her desk as she moved back to her desk chair. She flipped through a few before turning to her computer and searching for ‘Lilita Morgan.’ As the results started to appear on her screen she turned her attention quickly to her phone. 

**Laura (18:42):** Carm, you don’t have to talk to me. We can sit in silence until you find a topic you prefer. I know pushing people to discuss things they don’t want to talk about is the worst. I just want you to know I’m here for you, if you ever do want to talk. And I do want to know you’re ok, so let me know. Please. 

Laura reread her message, nodding as she sent it. _I don’t want to push her. I don’t know why I didn’t think about that. I always hated when people tried to make me talk about my mom before I was ready. I don’t know what she’s not ready to talk about. Maybe she was trying to tell me something and I just kept pushing. I don’t know. She’s definitely a mystery. But she’s a mystery I intend to at least crack._ Laura held on to her phone as she started looking through the results of her search, reading stories about the dean implementing new progressive policies in favor of feminism. She read stories about the dean being cold and demanding and intimidating and using her position to move the university forward into the present and hopefully even further into the future. Laura took in the information with enthusiasm, learning about the early years of the dean’s tenure. _I wonder why she isn’t the university’s president anymore. I mean she did a lot over the course of the first 3 years of her appointment. This week I’ll report on that and next week I’ll do something like a where are they now, maybe. She’s probably gone on to other impressive things or something._

Laura’s phone vibrated in her hand, raising her hopes. She quickly unlocked the phone, flipping to the notifications. 

**Danny (19:20):** Hey Hollis. Could you give me your roommate’s number? I have to set some things up with her for her special treatment. 

Laura rolled her eyes at the message as she typed out Carmilla’s number and sent it to Danny. Laura immediately started to worry about what Danny might say to Carmilla. Laura typed out another message to Carmilla. 

**Laura (19:25):** Hey Carm. I gave Danny your number, she asked for it and she’s part of our group in English so I hope you don’t mind that I did. 

Carmilla read through each text from Laura, as she walked, slowly she realized she hadn’t been focused on her surroundings any longer, lost as she was in her thoughts and Laura’s texts. _She keeps asking me to talk to her. She’s worried she did something wrong. I want so badly to tell her it’s not her. It’s me. Of course it’s me. I’m not broken. I want her to know that. I’m just like everyone else, but I want to be unique in her eyes, just not for my speech or lack thereof. I want her to see me. Hear me. I just want. Whatever. I have to keep trying. More snapchat maybe? A game of telephone in class with her and Kirsch. We just have to build up to it. I can do this. It took a while last time but I know I can do this.  
_

 _Last time was. Don’t compare Ell and Laura. They’re not the same; they’re not even close. Ell never really gave me a chance. In her eyes, I was always broken. Even when I started to be able to speak around her, I was already less than. Laura hasn’t been anything like that. Laura is sweet, cookies and chocolate and sunshine._ Carmilla tore herself from her thoughts as her eyes moved to the next message from Laura. The one that pulled at her heart strings, she felt tears well in her eyes, blinking them back she felt her heart thump as she reread the message. _She said we could sit in silence. She’s not trying to push me to talk._ Carmilla could feel the soft smile taking over her features, climbing along her thin pink lips lighting her espresso and whiskey swirled eyes. _She’s nothing like Ell. She’s just Laura._ Carmilla looked at her surroundings to realize her feet had led her back to the dorm. She frowned briefly, with a shrug, clearly her feet had a mind of their own and they wanted to be near Laura. Just like the rest of her. She just wanted to be near Laura, if that meant sitting in silence then she’d take that and cherish it. 

Carmilla climbed the steps to their room, her feet at war with her mind over the speed at which she should go. Her heart as eager as her feet to be in Laura’s presence, her mind holding back, wanting to go slowly, wanting to turn and come back when she knew Laura would be asleep, afraid to face the girl until she could speak to her. Carmilla let the war in her mind rage on as she climbed the stairs and stopped in front of the dorm room door. She looked at the door, studying it as though it were an artifact from an anthropological dig from the pyramids of Egypt. She sighed softly and took a deep breath as she reached out her hand and turned the knob. 

As Laura heard the door open behind her, she turned, standing from the computer chair. Her eyes landed immediately on the figure in the doorway. Wavy, onyx hair framed her pale thin features, she wore a soft, genuine smile that sent shivers down Laura’s spine. Laura’s eyes roved over her face, taking in every detail of her picturesque cheek bones, striking eyebrows and chiseled jawline before landing on her warm coffee and whiskey toned eyes. “Carm?” Laura’s voice was soft, tentative and nervous as she looked at the unmoving form that stood in the doorway. 

Carmilla let her eyes take in the sight of Laura before her, dressed in a light blue button up over her plaid pajama bottoms. Laura’s hair was tousled but smooth, her skin lit by the overhead light and a light on the desk behind her. Carmilla’s eyes traveled over her features, landing on her lips as Laura bit her bottom lip. Carmilla could see the uncertainty settle over Laura. Laura’s mouth opened as if to say something, but closed it before anything came out. She did it again as Carmilla watched. _I wonder if that’s what I look like when I try but can’t say anything. Well the gestures at least._

“Carm?” Laura’s voice hopeful. “Are you going to come in?” Carmilla looked around recognizing she was still standing in the doorway. Her mind traveled back to the text she read before the last one. Without a second thought she walked into the room, crossed it in four steps and pulled Laura into a hug, her arms wrapping gently around Laura’s waist. Carmilla smiled as Laura sighed into the hug and pulled her tighter. “I hope this means we’re good, Carm. Because I couldn’t stand it if we aren’t good. We’re good right?” Laura’s voice was soft and unsure, as her breath slid over the skin of Carmilla’s neck, sending goosebumps down Carmilla’s arms. Carmilla didn’t even try to speak, she just exhaled contentedly and nodded against Laura’s cheek where she could feel a smile lift at Laura’s cheeks. “Do you want to watch something with me? We could find something on Netflix.” Carmilla chuckled softly and nodded again before untangling herself from Laura. “Yes!” Laura exclaimed excitedly. “Now we get to do the roommate bonding I wanted to do!” Laura stepped back with a smile over taking her face as she did a quick fist pump eliciting another chuckle from Carmilla.

Laura pulled her laptop from her desk and watched as Carmilla slipped off her shoes. _Stop checking out her ass. Or at least do it more discretely._ “Which bed?” Carmilla stood up, smirking at Laura’s question. She gestured at Laura’s mussed and disheveled bed with one hand. Laura nodded with a smile, quickly climbing in and scooting as close to the wall as possible as Carmilla slid next to her. They rearranged the pillows behind their backs, taking time to get comfortable. “Ok Carm. TV show marathon time! Let’s start with Buffy!” Carmilla rolled her eyes but Laura couldn’t take the gesture seriously as a small smile played across Carmilla’s lips. Laura started the first episode with a goofy grin, turning her attention to the screen. 

Carmilla looked down at the girl whose head rested on her shoulder, with a grin gracing her features. Laura had drifted off almost an episode before. They had shifted as they watched and now were propped up but mostly laying down. Carmilla stirred trying to figure out how to get out of Laura’s bed without waking her. As she shifted again, Laura’s arm snaked around her waist, Laura’s grip pulling her closer. She smiled as Laura mumbled in her sleep. “Carm. We’re friends. Best friends right?”

Carmilla looked down at the girl again. Her breath slow and steady, her words when she spoke laced with sleepy tones, Carmilla couldn’t help but think she was adorable. “Yep cupcake.” She whispered softly. “We’re friends. You’re definitely one of my best friends.” Carmilla felt Laura stir again, her arm shifting around Carmilla’s waist pulling Carmilla as close as she could.

“My best friend too Carm. Maybe more too. Right?” Carmilla’s eyebrows climbed into her hairline. _Laura doesn’t know what she’s saying. She’s asleep. But that is not a question I could ever forget. Oh, damnit, Cupcake, what are you doing to me? Yes maybe more. If I have anything to say about it, definitely more. So much more._

“Yes, Cutie, maybe more. Whenever we’re both ready. More is a promise.” Carmilla moved slightly to get more comfortable, unable to slip from Laura’s grasp. “Goodnight, Laura.”


	10. Maybe I Can Do This

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Greetings again friends and readers! Here have another chapter!  
> I may or may not have proofed this before posting it (I'll let you guess which one it is) but if I did, I proof this stuff myself, so if you see a mistake, help a sister out or pretend it's not there (both acceptable courses of action). And as always, thanks muchly for reading, commenting and for the kudos, feel free to let me know what you think. I find all of the very kind comments and kudos encouraging and I most definitely thank you for that. Hope you enjoy!

Laura stirred, she could feel the light shining in from the window, warming the room. She nuzzled her face against the pillow wrapped in her arms. The smell was soft and light, a tinge of metal and leather wrapped against something floral and homey, and decidedly not her own. She smiled as she inhaled, delighting in the scent. _That was a good dream. Carmilla whispering in my ear, promising a future. Actually talking to me and saying we’re best friends, promising more. That was the best dream, I wish I could go back to it. I wish it wasn’t just a dream. Curled up with Carmilla in an apartment we own. Wait. Crap. Carmilla._ The smile fell from Laura’s face as her mind caught up with her. _Oh crap._ _I fell asleep on Carmilla last night. Yep, definitely remember leaning against her for the beginning of episode five and I don’t remember the end of the episode. Oh crap. Oh crap. I talk in my sleep. I hope I didn’t embarrass myself or say anything. Crap. Crap. Crap._

Laura carefully, gradually lifted one eyelid, her mind not entirely sure what she would find. Pressed against her face, thanks to the hugging from her arms, was the pillow Carmilla had used the previous night to prop herself up. _That smell, she smells fantastic._ Laura lifted her head slightly as she blinked both eyes open. Her gaze landed on the girl curled up in the bed across from her. Laura felt her grin return as her eyes slid down the prone form of her roommate, dressed in ripped black jeans and the black tank top from the night before. The shirt was raised exposing a thin sliver of pale skin, which caught Laura’s eyes, before they landed on something else. Hugged tightly to Carmilla’s chest with only a corner or two visible, was Laura’s yellow pillow. Laura’s brow furrowed and smoothed at the sight. Carmilla’s face was shoved against the pillow as she took slow, sleepy, even breaths, bringing a grin back to Laura’s face. _Maybe I can get back to that dream._

Laura’s gaze finally moved from her roommate’s sleeping form to the microwave clock. Laura jumped quickly out of bed as she realized she was late. She moved as quickly and quietly through her morning routine as she could, trying to remember the loudest parts and how to avoid waking Carmilla. Just as she neared the bathroom, she tripped, an involuntary scream emerging from her mouth as her foot slammed against the bed frame and her momentum continued to carry her forward. She was headed to the floor fast, her clothes falling from her hands as she prepared for the inevitable pain and sound that would come with the ground meeting her.

Carmilla sat up quickly her eyes searching the small room for her roommate, the sound of Laura’s scream echoing in her head. “Laura.” She exclaimed as the girl landed against the floor with a loud thud. Carmilla was up and out of bed as fast as she could move, yet she still didn’t think it was fast enough. Laura groaned softly as she turned, twisting on the floor. She felt hands on her arms. Carmilla kneeled next to her, concern tugging at her beautiful features. She worried her bottom lip with her teeth as she looked over Laura’s form, her hands holding Laura in place.

“Carm?” Laura looked at her scattered clothes, before returning her gaze to Carmilla’s. “Oh, Carm, sorry for waking you.” Before Laura finished her sentence, Carmilla waved a hand and shook her head to indicate it didn’t matter. Laura watched the gesture as a crease formed in her brow line. _Well, I knew she wasn’t a morning person. Maybe she’s monosyllabic or non-vocal until she’s completely awake. This is the first time I’ve seen her awake in the morning._ Laura’s eyes traveled over Carmilla’s hair that could have counted as styled bedhead and moved her eyes down her roommate’s features. Carmilla’s hand was out before her while the other one still held Laura’s shoulder. Laura took a moment before grabbing the hand and letting Carmilla help her too her feet. Carmilla’s eyes traveled down Laura’s form, searching for injuries. Laura grinned at the caring as the girl continued to look her over. “Hey, Carm. I probably have a few bruises but, I’m ok I promise.” Laura wasn’t sure, but she thought she heard Carmilla exhale gently in what sounded like relief.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you. I’m running late for my first class.” Laura said quickly dropping Carmilla’s hand and bending over to retrieve the things she had let go of in her fall. Carmilla stepped past her, moving towards her bed again. Laura watched her retreat before turning toward the bathroom once again. She paused at the door and turned back to Carmilla. “Carm, I had fun last night. And since we started the marathon, we have to finish all of Buffy so I hope you had fun too because we have seven seasons to get through.” Carmilla looked up from where she was, a soft smile pulling at her lips before she dropped her shaking head. Laura could hear her soft chuckle as she turned back to and disappeared into the bathroom.

Carmilla laid back on her bed, the smile still creeping over her features. _I doubt she meant she wanted to fall asleep cuddled up next to me again. But that’s how I’m deciding to take it, but either way having more time with Laura, regardless of what we do, is fine by me. Maybe I could even talk to her._ Carmilla’s mind journeyed back to Laura curled up against her side, an arm draped over her waist, holding her tightly, soft, even breaths gliding over the skin of Carmilla’s neck, the sleepy words that made Carmilla’s heart race. She’d drifted off in Laura’s arms for an hour or two before maneuvering a pillow between them and moving back to her own bed, afraid if she stayed, Laura would be unhappy. Carmilla curled around the yellow pillow she couldn’t stop herself from absconding with in her retreat from Laura’s bed, with a soft smirk. It still smelled of Laura, light touches of the air after a thunderstorm swirled with cinnamon cookies and a hint of berries and cream.

Carmilla was pulled from her thoughts as Laura bustled past her on her way to the door, dressed and rushed. Laura paused at the door an amused glint in her eyes. “Don’t think I didn’t notice that you stole my pillow.” Laura’s grin was infectious as she looked at Carmilla curled around her pillow. Carmilla could feel herself catch it, a smirk spreading over her features. Carmilla could think of all sorts of responses. _Well, it smelled like you. You looked so comfy cuddling the other one, I thought I’d give it a try. I wouldn’t have had to if I hadn’t left your bed. Jealous cutie? I can cuddle you next if you like._ But as she looked into Laura’s eyes, she couldn’t verbalize a single response. Her mouth opened and closed a few times as she tried before Laura noticed the time again. “Don’t worry, Carm, you look cute with it.” Laura’s grin grew even wider as Carmilla floundered again, her mouth opening and closing slightly as she tried to respond. “Holy Hufflepuff! I really have to go. I’ll see you later though, right, Carm?!” Laura stood in the doorway her eyes shooting back to Carmilla as she waited for a response. Laura squeaked happily when Carmilla nodded, her smirk possibly becoming a permanent resident over her features. “Ok. Great! Bye!” Laura squealed an octave higher than normal as she grabbed her bag and raced out the door.

Carmilla laid back again, as the door closed abruptly behind Laura. Carmilla couldn’t help the grin that widened over her features. _Wait._ Carmilla’s mind replayed the morning, her brow furrowing momentarily. _I spoke. While she was awake, I spoke. I don’t think she heard me but I did._ _I said her name and she wasn’t asleep and it wasn’t over snapchat. I could speak to her. There was no pressure to say anything this morning. She wasn’t waiting for me to speak. I did though. I didn’t have to force it. It just was. Maybe it could be that easy with Laura. Maybe I’m close._ Carmilla grinned as she sat up; she wasn’t going to be getting back to sleep and she knew it. She picked up her phone, sending a quick text before moving to get ready for the day.

 **Kitty (8:25):** Hey. Are you and the beefcake up? Food?

 **Will (8:37):** Yeah. We had planning committee today. Meet you at Bagels and Bytes in 30?

 **Kitty (8:52):** Yeah that works. That place is probably going to get tired of us.

 **Will (9:03):** Nah. that blond barista, Elsie, totally has a thing for me, I swear. See you there, Kitty.

Carmilla walked along the main green on campus, making her way to the café, her thoughts still cycling through images and thoughts. Laura last night, Laura’s texts, this morning, and then back around again. She tried not to let herself get lost in them, tried to keep herself aware of her surroundings. The shimmer in Laura’s eyes as she told Carmilla that she was cute with the pillow. Carmilla’s mind made it difficult not to get lost in the barrage of images it showed her. Her feet carried her. She came out of her thoughts enough to control her motion before being sucked back into them again. It was in that state that she felt her shoulder smack into someone, hard enough to jostle them both. Carmilla shook her head and noticed the ginger behemoth scowling at her. Danny’s scowl grew angrier when she noticed who had run into her.

Danny waited a moment, looking at Carmilla as if she’d just stepped in something disgusting, before speaking. “Excuse you.” Danny’s voice came out gruff and irritated, edging on irate. Carmilla rolled her eyes as Danny’s face scrunched. “What the hell is your deal? You’re rude, discourteous and ill-mannered. I don’t know how Laura can say I don’t know what I’m talking about; you don’t care about anyone but –” Danny stopped mid-sentence as Carmilla turned and walked away with another roll of her eyes and a shake of her head. _Laura’s right, goliath, you don’t know what you’re talking about. And your righteous rage is giving me a headache. I was apologetic. I would have said I’m sorry, but you really didn’t give me a chance, nor would you have actually wanted to hear it. Not that it matters, but still._ Carmilla could hear Danny grumbling behind her as she continued the rest of the short walk at a brisk pace, impatient to be where she felt comfortable, not stopping once to look back.

Carmilla sighed pleasantly as she pulled open the door to the café hearing the muffled chatter grow louder. She readied her phone with her order as she got in line and looked around for Will and Kirsch. She spotted them in their usual corner, off to the side and out of the way. She approached the counter as Elsie called her forward. “What can I get for you today? The usual?” Carmilla shook her head softly, musing at the thought that Elsie seemed to know she had a usual order as she held her phone out. Elsie’s eyes moved back and forth over the screen. Carmilla had answered all of the usual questions. “Ok. Sounds good.” Elsie smiled and turned to make Carmilla’s request as the guy behind the register read off her total after Elsie told him Carmilla’s order. As Carmilla handed over her money, Elsie turned with a grin. “You can go ‘head and sit down. I’ll bring it over to you.” Carmilla nodded stiffly and moved to the table adorned with Will and Kirsch.

She set her bag down with confusion written on her face. Will gestured to her as she sat waiting for acknowledgement. After the nod from Carmilla, Will inquired. “They didn’t have what you wanted today Kitty?” Carmilla turned to look at him and shook her head. Just as Carmilla was about to respond Elsie walked up beside her, placing her breakfast sandwich in front of her and drawing Carmilla’s eye. Elsie winked quickly and turned on her heel. “Whoa. Wait since when do they have table service here?” Will’s voice held hints of amusement and surprise.

Carmilla looked down at her wrapped sandwich, turning it in her hand to get to the tape, when she noticed sharpie scribbled along the seam. Carmilla read the quickly scribbled note ‘Kitty, You’re hot. Text me sometime. <3 Elsie.’ Her eyes roaming over the number that followed. Carmilla looked into Will’s and Kirsch’s waiting eyes. “I don’t think they have table service here.” She held up the wrapper for them to see. “Also I think you might be wrong about her being into you.” Carmilla chuckled along with Kirsch as she heard him mutter ‘see, told you, dude. Your sis could get all the girls.’

The group sat in relative silence as they worked on the food before them. After shoving the last bite in his mouth, Will cleared his throat. “Ok Kitty, spill it. Why the hell are you up so early?” Carmilla looked up from her sandwich with a soft, genuine smile.

“I spoke to Laura.” Will and Kirsch’s jaws dropped synchronously, their eyes widening in surprise and excitement. “Well. I don’t think she heard me. I said her name though. And she was awake. She was falling –”

Carmilla was cut off with a chuckle from Kirsch. “Of course, she was falling for you, dude. All the girls dig your voice, when they hear it.” Will laughed next to him as Carmilla bit back on a grin that threatened to overtake her face.

“No, you ass. She tripped and was literally falling. I called out to her. I wasn’t trying; it just happened. I mean she wasn’t paying attention and I’m pretty sure she didn’t hear me, but it happened. I couldn’t get words to work when she was looking at me, but at least I said something.” Carmilla dropped her attention back to her sandwich. A smile playing at the corner of her lips as she thought about Laura.

“This is big, Kitty. And awesome. Definitely a step in the right direction. Do you have a plan? Are you going to try talking to her?” Will’s excitement for Carmilla was evident in everything he said. Kirsch sat next to Will, nodding along with every statement Will made and every question Will asked.

“Of course I’m going to try speaking to her. Duh. But I think it’s going to have to be more like speaking to her when her attention isn’t on me.” Carmilla tore at the paper resting under her sandwich. “I’m going to have to build up to speaking to her face to face. Her attention on me makes it too hard right now, I try and I want to but nothing comes out. There’s too much pressure. When she’s sleeping, she can’t hear me, she doesn’t even know I’m talking to her which isn’t enough for me. But if her attention is elsewhere I might be able to work up to really, fully speaking to her, like, looking her in the eyes and holding a conversation with her.” Kirsch was grinning widely, his eyes similar to a happy puppy who just found his favorite toy that had been lost. Will’s look wasn’t much different from Kirsch’s.

Will cleared his throat again, trying to reign in his facial features. “That’s awesome Kitty. Let us know if you need us to do anything. You know we’re down for whatever mad plan you have in mind. Since I’m sure you have some sort of game plan.” Kirsch was next to Will, nodding so vigorously, Carmilla was worried his brain would be permanently addled.

“Ok.” Carmilla nodded gently, before starting to explain. “I have a sort of idea. Kirsch, I’m surprised I’m saying this, but suggesting telephone in class was a great idea.”

Kirsch feigned an insulted expression. “I have good ideas, dude. Like, all the time. It’s not my fault you both don’t see the brilliance sitting right in front of you.” Will laughed, his head thrown back as Kirsch continued. “Like the slice eating contest, last week. And the vegetable costume party where everyone came as their favorite vegetable, two months ago. Those were brilliant ideas. Sure they ended terribly with throwing up and poor choice vegetable/coma pun costumes, but they were great ideas.” Kirsch finished with a chuckle as Carmilla and Will laughed even harder.

“Yes, you’re right, puppy. You have great ideas.” Carmilla said around laughter bubbling up in her throat. “But my personal favorite of your ideas would be the game of telephone, or Kirsch in the middle, with Laura in lit class.” Kirsch’s grin widened impossibly as Carmilla spoke. “I think I will take you up on that offer in fact. You’ll sit between us and we’ll go from there. Which means you have to get to class before me, sit next to Laura, because she’s almost always early, and then beg me to sit next to you. Think you can do that, beefcake?” Carmilla could feel the smirk pulling at her face as Kirsch nodded emphatically, once again probably addling his brain with his enthusiasm. Carmilla’s smirk widened as her phone vibrated in her pocket.

 **Laura (10:33):** Hey Carm. I forget to say good morning. Good morning! I don’t get to call you sleepyhead this morning :\

Carmilla felt hope bubbling in her chest as she bid the boys goodbye and made her way to her classes for the day. _This won’t be so hard. We can do this. I can talk to her. I can build up to it. I won’t have to tell her anything for a while. She’ll know me as me, regular me, and not as someone broken, someone abnormal, because I’m not those things and I want her to know that. And I kind of can’t wait for that._ She pulled out her phone as she walked into her first class of the day, and began her continuous stream of messages back and forth to Laura.

Laura glanced down at her phone as she walked into their dorm room an uncontainable grin on her face. _It’s like everything is back to normal. Yesterday didn’t even happen. I have to actually remember to really thank LaF. Really. Maybe give them some of my cookies or something. The talk they and I had yesterday really helped. Carmilla will talk to me when she wants to, about what she wants to. I just have to keep that in mind. She was so caring this morning. I doubt many people get to see that side of her. I hope I get to see it more._ Laura smiled to herself as she thought about Carmilla’s eyes wandering over her, looking for injuries and lingering in places that made Laura’s cheeks flush.

Laura dropped her bag next to her and slid in to her computer chair with a soft sigh. She started flipping through the school papers she had piled there, looking for more information on Lilita Morgan. So far Laura hadn’t found a single picture of her, descriptions she found were lacking, but tended to describe her as a harrowing and intimidating figure, glowering from the shadows. Laura could admit it was a bit disconcerting to read, but that whatever Lilita was doing seemed to get the job done. Laura started to notice a trend in the articles she read; at the beginning of Lilita’s tenure every article spoke of her grand changes, impressive ideas, and sweeping reforms, as the years progressed the articles spoke of her tenure as a reign of terror, her new restrictions on the use of the intranet, internet and Ethernet, and her attempts to shut down the investigative side of the student paper.

Laura felt a shudder ripple through her as she read the last article. _How could she want to shut that down? Investigative journalism is integral to every journalistic students’ education. I mean it’s sort of an important thing. You need inquisitive and honest students to want to become journalists. I wonder if she was hiding something. Why else is there to want to stop any and all possibility of investigations? I need to do more research, this dean is an interesting topic._ Her phone buzzed and danced across the desk as she pulled up her web browser.

 **Carm (14:57):** Ok cutie. You win. Texting in class is a pastime of mine. But I’m just going to remind you, I’m pretty sure it’s up there with football as a national pastime. I’m just being patriotic.

Laura laughed as she read Carmilla’s text. She turned her attention back to her work as she thought about a response. Carmilla had been her usual flirty and sarcastic self since Laura sent the good morning text. And Laura found herself hoping that Carmilla would only continue with it. Laura blushed at every flirty message, but gave as much as she got. _It’s so easy to talk to her. She’s smart and funny, sarcastic and goofy._ Laura shook her head, reminding herself she still had a lot of work to do on her article before it could be turned in and she needed more research on Lilita Morgan before she’d have everything set for her next few planned reports.

 **Laura (15:21):** yeah you’re a true patriot, Carm. Always wearing the country’s colours and chanting its name. I’d be surprise if you haven’t become our mascot by now. Sorry if I respond slowly, I’m working on my Mass Comm project. I have to do more research.

Carmilla’s response was almost immediate, bringing another softer smile to Laura’s face as she read it. Laura laughed heartily as she read the next text that rapidly followed the first.

 **Carm (15:22):** yep, that’s me all the way. True blue patriot. Waving flags and holding parades and everything, sweetheart. And don’t you forget it. ;P

 **Carm (15:22):** wait, wait, can I be research? ;)

 **Laura (15:24):** you can only be research if you’re going to help me get an A on this project :P

Laura quickly typed her response to Carmilla before turning back to her computer. She found more articles about Lilita Morgan. She clicked on the first, an editorial dated around the same time as the newspaper started to report on possible abuses of power.

* * *

Lilita Morgan did some amazing things in the beginning of her time here. But now she’s stepping out of the realm of taking the consequences for her actions. She acts as though she’s above it all, she’s better than the whole educational system. She’s acting like she founded this university, not like she’s just another cog keeping the wheels of this university turning. I truly hope her marriage mellows her out and makes her take a good look at what she’s doing. The amount of McCarthyism she’s begun to exhibit is appalling. She’s blacklisted teachers because she doesn’t like the curriculum they’ve come up with, because they’re teaching their student to ask questions and assess problems. We’re not parrots and Dr. Morgan should know that. She should encourage us to ask questions, investigate and find answers, but most of all she should want us to get the most out of our education which no longer seems like her goal.

* * *

Laura sighed as she read. The idea that this educator had started out so promising and turned out so rotten made her skin crawl, but she couldn't help but admit she was intrigued. _I wonder why no one is taught about this. I mean she’s part of the university’s history. And, what’s that saying? If we don’t learn our history, we’re doomed to repeat it. This is important information, which all the students should know. The board of governors too. Though I would like to hope the board of governors are already aware I mean she was appointed by them._ Laura closed out of the editorial, knowing it was one person’s opinion, and wouldn’t be a viable source for her project, but it did create a better picture for Laura of how the university was being run and what the students thought of the goings-on.

Laura’s phone buzzed softly against the wood of the desk, reminding her of a message she hadn’t read, or responded to that was waiting for her. She turned her attention from the article lighting up the screen, rubbing her eyes and grabbing her phone.

 **Carm (15:37):** I’ll give you As on anything you want, Cupcake ;P

 **Carm (15:42):** What’s the project anyway?

Despite the weight of the topic she was researching, Laura felt her shoulders lift as she read Carmilla’s messages, a smile tugging at her cheeks and her heart fluttering softly. _The girl knows how to make me laugh, that’s for sure._ Laura smiled as she typed up her response to Carmilla.

 **Laura (16:31):** we’re supposed to report on campus things, it’s supposed to be something that would be pertinent to students on campus today. The prof said we could do it in any style as long as we incorporated technology into the dissemination of information. I decided to do it as a YouTube new cast sort of thing.

Carmilla smiled as her phone buzzed in her pocket and she packed up from her last class of the day. _This has been so easy today. It’s just been a simple flow. Once a trickle, now a stream. Maybe things don’t have to be that hard with Laura._ Carmilla pulled out her phone checking her work schedule for the week, finding herself relieved instead of worried when she learned she wasn’t scheduled for the next few days. _I can hang out with Laura. More time around her, hopefully the easier this gets._

Carmilla made her way out of the classroom into the crisp air, marking the beginning of autumn. She grinned to herself as she turned purposefully toward her dorm. She read Laura’s text, her brow furrowing as she reread it.

 **Carm (16:52):** Wow, buttercup, you must be in reporter mode. You definitely just used a slew of unnecessarily big words.

 **Carm (16:56):** I kid. I kid. That project definitely sounds pretty hardcore. So is that why you were dressy from the waist up, but all pjs from the waist down when I came in last night? Which was quite the conflicting look.

Carmilla wandered leisurely, her steps deliberate, toward the dorm room she shared with Laura. She walked with easy steps, stopping in front of the Crowley Hall door. _Well here goes nothing. I guess I hope she’s thoroughly engrossed in her project when I walk in. If her attention isn’t on me I can give this a shot. I can try and maybe for once my mouth will listen and abide my commands when I try to talk._ Carmilla took a deep breath and opened the hall door. Letting it drift closed behind her as she made her way down the hallways. Carmilla’s heart picked up speed though she willed it to calm. _This isn’t a big deal. People say things to their roommates all the time._ She tried to tell herself it didn’t matter if it didn’t work, but no matter how hard she tried to convince herself she couldn’t.

Carmilla paused in front of their dorm room door, festooned with name tags and embellishments that Perry had created, the first in a great many attempts at ice breakers for the floor. She took a steadying breath, her hand on the knob. She turned it gently, trying her best not to draw attention to herself. She pushed the door open delicately, her face crumpling with worry as the door squeaked open. True to her word, Laura sat at her computer, her attention fully engulfed in whatever was taking over the screen of the computer in front of her.

Carmilla walked forward, her steps careful and smooth, muffling the gentle plod of her feet across the floor. She took her time crossing the room, making sure she didn’t disturb the girl before her. Carmilla reached Laura’s chair, her front against the back of the chair. Laura was oblivious to her surroundings as her hand moved the mouse back in forth, clicking and then lifting her other hand to the keyboard, before dropping it back to her lap and moving the mouse again. Carmilla leaned forward placing her face next to Laura’s. Carmilla was staring straight at the most focused face she’d ever seen, Laura’s brow furrowed, her bottom lip pulled between her teeth. Carmilla turned to look at when Laura was seeing as she starting speaking.

“Hey cutie, are we watching…” Laura jumped in her seat at the sound of the smooth, smoky, sultry voice gracing her ear. Laura waited to turn, waiting for Carmilla to finish the question that had started so tenderly and surprised her. Carmilla’s eyes caught on one thing on the screen in front of the two of them, pausing her question before she could finish. Carmilla’s eyes moved back and forth over the article taking up the majority of Laura’s screen. She felt her throat tighten, her mouth run dry. Try as hard as she did she couldn’t create enough saliva to gather and moisten her mouth or throat. She couldn’t pull herself upright, pull herself away from Laura, she couldn’t move, she was frozen in place, her body rigidly tense, eyes glued to the name that streamed across Laura’s screen, ‘Lilita Morgan.’ Carmilla tried to swallow again before she croaked out raggedly, her voice timid and broken, “Mother?”


	11. Fear and Broadcasting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm thinking I will try to put up at least a chapter each Sunday, maybe there will be more, but at least a chapter a week is my hope/plan. 
> 
> I find it really funny, originally when I started this story I was sure I could knock it out as a short story. That was my plan, but this story is so much more than I had intended, which excites me as I take it through all the obstacles I have planned for it. So I thank you all for coming along for the ride. 
> 
> As usual, I proof this stuff myself, so if you see a mistake, help a sister out or pretend it's not there (both acceptable courses of action). And as always, thanks so very much for reading, commenting and for the kudos, feel free to let me know what you think. All the very kind comments and kudos encourage me to keep writing and remind me that people actually read what I write and I most definitely and will always thank you for that. Hope you enjoy!

Laura’s face was an almost comical mix of confusion, surprise and concern as she whipped her head around, realizing just how close Carmilla’s face was to hers. Carmilla was as unaware of Laura’s closeness as she was of Laura’s reaction; she stared at the screen unseeing, rigidly frozen in place. Laura took advantage of Carmilla’s proximity, studying her face and trying to figure out the emotions floating under the surface. Laura’s eyes traveled down Carmilla’s face, pausing on the crease in her brow, the tension and release of the muscles framing her sculpted jaw, and her lips. Laura’s eyes stuck on her lips a moment, pulled in a flat line, slack but struggling. Laura waited a beat, her face inches from Carmilla’s before she found herself unable to sit in silence any longer. “What?”

Carmilla’s silence continued, she was statuesque in her posture. Laura’s voice poking at her as her mind tried to process. “Carm? What did you say?” _Fuck. Shit. Fuck. She’s researching mother. Shit. Fuck. I can’t even think of words more appropriate right now. Fuck. This cannot mean good things. Shit. Fuck. Swear words are losing all meaning. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck._ Laura’s voice prompted again, finally breaking Carmilla from her trance, releasing her from the hold the screen had on her. “Carm? I. Were. I. What?” Laura started three different sentence before asking again. Finally, Carmilla straightened noticing her proximity to Laura, the rigidity still obvious in her motions, the plane of her back as she brought herself to her full height and pulled her face away from where Laura’s breath graced her cheek. Laura’s eyes followed her, the questions still filling them, making them shine even brighter.

“Carm? Are you ok?” Laura’s voice was soft and tentative, like she was speaking to a frightened animal, trying to coax it into a calm before approaching. Carmilla shook her head, both answering Laura’s question and trying to tell Laura she couldn’t answer her questions at the same time. Carmilla took a slow step back and then another. Her eyes moved back and forth between Laura and the computer screen, filled with uncertainty and another emotion Laura couldn’t place. It was an emotion Laura hadn’t seen on Carmilla’s face before ever; it was written in the crease of her brow, the slow, unsure steps and the stiffness of her movement. Laura watched Carmilla back away until the back of her knees hit the edge of her bed; she was in awe of the change in her roommate. Carmilla, who was always lithe, graceful and catlike in her actions, was stiff and awkward. _For once in my life, I’m sort of happy I can’t make myself talk to her. For the first time, I don’t want to. But I know if I could get myself to speak, I’d answer every question she ever asked. And I’m not ready to talk about that, to talk about mother._

 _She looks like she wants to pack her big green duffle bag and run._ Laura’s eyes traveled over Carmilla as she slumped into the bed on her side of the room. _Fear._ Laura thoughts ran a mile a minute. _That’s the look you have when you see a rattlesnake poised to strike, the soft shake of the sound of its rattle hitting your ears. That’s the look you wear when you see a black widow or a brown recluse in your closet. That’s deep instinctual fear and it’s written all over her face. What the hell?_ Laura turned to look at her computer screen, her mind trying to complete a puzzle she was sure she was missing a few pieces of. _Seriously. What the hell? Fear. She’s afraid. Of what? Of who? She said mother…_ Laura’s eyes searched the screen, waiting for the answers she was relatively sure she wouldn’t get. _Come on, Carm, talk to me, tell me what has you spooked. I hope you know you can speak to me._ Laura turned back to Carmilla, who sat back on the bed in silence, her knees pulled to her chest and her head resting on top of them. _She looks like she’s trying to fold into herself. Maybe she’s not ready to talk about it. Maybe I have to prove that I’m here for her. I don’t even know what to do._ Laura was searching Carmilla’s form for movement, for a sign.

 _What did she start to say before she froze? Maybe I should pretend like nothing happened. Why is this so hard? She was speaking minutes ago. I need to get her back to that. I need – no this isn’t about me. What does she need?_ Laura pulled her eyes away from the ball that was Carmilla, who was on her bed with back was against the wall and her head resting on her knees. Laura grinned as she turned back to her computer. _She asked if we were going to watch something. She didn’t finish the question, but that’s what she was asking. Right now, she needs Buffy!_ Laura brought up Netflix on her computer looking over her recently watched list. _It’s not exactly a light and foamy episode, but it has its moments._ Laura unplugged her computer from the base as gracefully as she could and moved in front of Carmilla with it held awkwardly in her arms, hugged to her chest.

“Sooo” Laura’s voice was soft and caring as she tried to get Carmilla’s attention. Carmilla’s head jerked up, her eyes landing on Laura’s butterscotch and caramel swirled eyes abruptly. Laura could see emotions that churned behind Carmilla’s mocha and hazelnut blended eyes even as she tried to reign them in. Laura couldn’t name them all, but the fear was still present. Carmilla’s eyes slipped from Laura’s down her body, pausing at the computer held in her arms. Carmilla lifted her eyes again; at the same time, she arched an eyebrow. “Do you want to move to the head of the bed or do you want to watch right there? I mean the head of the bed is better we can stretch our legs out, but if you’re comfy there, we can work with that.”

Carmilla looked at Laura questioningly for a moment. Then without attempting a word, Carmilla nodded once softly before shifting so that she was against the wall at the head of the bed with her back rested against Laura’s yellow pillow that still sat on her bed. Laura scrambled into the bed next to her with a large grin tugging at the corners of her mouth. Carmilla watched as she settled in, the smile she wore spreading to Carmilla’s lips as Laura situated herself so that they touched from shoulder to foot. Laura looked at Carmilla for a moment with a soft smile before starting the episode.

 _She’s acting like nothing happened. I don’t know if I’m happy about it or not. I want her to forget about it. I want to tell her to stop researching, but I know she won’t stop. If anything, if I told her to stop, she’d probably be more likely to keep going. She’s not exactly a fan of people telling her what to do. That ginger giant tried to and look where it got her. Not here with Laura cuddled up to her side. Oh hell she’s actually cuddled up against me._ Carmilla looked down to notice that Laura had leaned her head against Carmilla’s shoulder, her hand resting on Carmilla’s arm. Laura’s fingers were idly moving of their own accord, drawing designs that raised goosebumps over Carmilla’s skin. Carmilla lost track of her thoughts, resting her head on top of Laura’s, letting Laura’s presence soothe her and the show suck her in.

Hours passed and Carmilla could tell Laura had drifted off, her breaths coming soft and steady as Laura’s head had moved from her shoulder down to her chest when they repositioned. Carmilla smiled as she took in her predicament. Laura had once again snaked an arm around Carmilla’s waist and she had trapped Carmilla’s leg with the weight of her own. Carmilla slid an arm around Laura, debating on waking her or letting her sleep, when Laura nuzzled closer to her with a soft contented sigh, her arm pulling Carmilla tighter against the line of her body. “No… no. Don’t go.” Laura’s voice, muffled and heavy with sleep, was hard to hear as she muttered against Carmilla’s shirt. “You promised. Don’t go. Please don’t go.” Carmilla wasn’t sure where Laura’s dream had taken her, but as she looked around their room and then back down to the girl cuddled up against her side, she decided she wasn’t going anywhere.

 _I have nowhere to go, cutie. We’re in my bed, and I’m not sure there’s anywhere I would go anyway. I’m comfortable. I feel._ Carmilla looked down at Laura with her eyes closed, as her lips twitched in response to her dream. Carmilla felt herself smile as the word finally occurred to her. “Safe.” _I feel safe._ Carmilla sighed as she moved the computer away from them and then let her eyes drift closed, Laura’s arm unmoving around her waist, lay like a blanket around her, a tether to the world. Laura’s presence was warming and soothing to her. _I wouldn’t trade this, for anything._

Laura’s dream shifted abruptly, one moment she was standing hand in hand with Carmilla, then she was in front of Carmilla, but it wasn’t Carmilla; she was much older, her face angrier and sterner, when her eyebrow arched, it felt harsh and humiliating, not playful like when Carmilla’s did, and the smirk was the most glaring difference, Carmilla’s was soft, playful, genuine and soothing and so many more things Laura couldn’t even describe, when the woman before her smirked, it was like ice being dropped down your back, it was cold and malevolent, harsh and sadistic, it put Laura on edge. The similarities gnawed at Laura’s mind, the dream pulling at her thoughts. “Reporters are snakes, winding around things, sneaking in tiny little holes, finding their way into places they truly don’t belong and when they do, they need to be dealt with. Harshly.” The woman before her spoke, her voice cold and hard and somehow very much like Carmilla’s, but also nothing like Carmilla’s. Laura felt a shiver run through her at the sound of the woman’s voice, and then something moved against her side; she looked down to see a snake moving slowly across her hips. Her breath came ragged and nervous as the snake continued to wind around, before reaching the hipbone opposite of its starting point where it reared back and moved to strike.

Laura’s eyes shot open with the jolt of adrenaline running through her system. _Oh god that dream. Crap. What was that? Freaking snakes._ She made a move to sit up, but as she did so she felt a weight around her waist, keeping her in position. Her hand flew to her hipbone where the snake had moved to strike, her breath weak, shallow and nervous as she did so. Her hand found Carmilla’s hand rested on her hipbone, Carmilla’s palm spread over the sliver of bare skin between Laura’s top and her pajama bottoms. Goosebumps slid over Laura’s skin at her sudden understanding. Laura looked around, her hand still resting overtop of Carmilla’s as she recognized they were in Carmilla’s bed and realized that Carmilla was holding on to her. _Oh god. Snakes. Carm. Instinctual fear. I hope I never see her scared like that again. I hope she’ll tell me what had her so scared. She’s a walking mystery. But her reaction last night seemed so out of character for her._ Carmilla’s grip shifted a moment, her arm tensing and pulling at Laura bringing her out of her thoughts, before releasing again. Laura looked around the room for a clock while trying not to disturb the girl sleeping peacefully to her left. Upon noticing the time, she went to work trying to extricate herself from Carmilla’s grasp without waking her and started getting ready for the day.

Carmilla shifted, her mind pulling her from her dreams as her phone started to sound the first few notes of her alarm. She turned further onto her side, inhaling the soft scent of Laura on the pillow in her arms. She opened her eyes as her mind told her the real thing was so much better than the pillow. _I have to admit the pillow definitely pales in comparison to having Laura actually curled up against me._ Carmilla had little time with her pleasant thoughts before reality settled back over her and her alarm grew louder. She reached up pushing the pillow away as she sat up grasping her phone in one hand. _Laura. That girl is going to be the death of me for so many reasons. One. She has a habit of snuggling against me, and I don’t even know if she realizes it. Two. She’s researching mother. Shit. I have to talk to Will about this. Fuck. I was so close. Fuck. If she asks me about mother. I don’t know what will happen. This is so fucked. So, so fucked._

Carmilla eyed her phone for a moment before sighing and unlocking it. She immediately noticed a text from Laura. She debated for a split second before selecting it, a smile working its way onto her face as she read it. 

**Laura (8:15):** Morning Sleepyhead! Who would have thought Carmilla Karnstein is a cuddle monster? I didn’t know. But now that I do, I’m never going to forget it! :D See you in class later! 

Carmilla shook her head as she prepped a response, her mind split in two. _She’s being playful. Should I respond? She hasn’t asked. Maybe she won’t. She will. It’s in her nature. Fuck. Well it’s not like I’m not going to respond._

**Carm (10:20):** You will tell no one. Can’t have Agent Orange thinking I’m actually a nice person. She might try to befriend me. And we can’t have that.

 **Laura (10:22):** Awww, Carm you are nice. And I think you and Danny would be friends if you just played nice once in a while.

 **Carm (10:24):** I always play nice she’s just mad that’s she’s not your roommate. The jolly ginger giant is also the jealous ginger giant.

 **Laura (10:26):** there’s nothing going on with Danny and I. and you know that, because if there was I wouldn’t have been cuddling with you last night. be nice.

 **Carm (10:28):** so you admit you were cuddling too! Ha win.

 **Laura (10:30):** I can’t help it if you’re a little spoon. Though it is awfully cute.

 **Carm (10:31):** I don’t little spoon and I don’t cute.

 **Laura (10:32):** you totally cute. You’re all the cutes, especially when you’re cuddly. You can’t deny it I’ve seen it with my own two eyes.

 **Laura (10:33):** You’ll be in class later right?

 **Carm (10:34):** Yeah you’ll see me in class, cupcake. I’ll be the one with sucker for her roommate tattooed on her forehead. 

Carmilla smirked to herself as their conversation continued, momentarily letting herself get pulled out of her thoughts and away from the initial reason she picked up her phone. A lull in their conversation snapped her back to her thoughts and intentions. _Fuck. I wonder how far she’s gotten in her research on Mother. I definitely need to talk to Will._ She glanced quickly at the time realizing she had some reading to do for the class she had promised she’d be at not five minutes before. 

**Kitty (10:40):** I need to talk to you. Can you get here? Now. 

Carmilla sat back against the wall with the phone in her lap, opened Uncle Silas by J. Sheridan Le Fanu and read as she waited for a response. 

**Will (10:52):** No can do, Kitty. Kirsch and I have Zeta things in between classes all day.

 **Will (10:53):** Based on the complaint against Theo and some other complaints leveled against other brothers… before the Greek council will even start discussing a ruling on Theo we all have to go through mandatory sensitivity training

 **Will (10:53):** which is two days of don’t be an asshole dumbed down to things like respect gender identities and sexuality. You know, the things that should be common sense. 

Carmilla frowned as she read Will’s texts. _Well, that will postpone this conversation. I still need to talk to him._

**Kitty (10:59):** Fine. I mean I can’t argue that the beef for brains brigade doesn’t need it. Tomorrow morning then? I need to talk to you. meet me at my room. Early.

 **Will (11:20):** yeah. Kirsch and I will be there. I’d say just tell me now but I’m about to get in trouble for cell phone use during this training. Tomorrow. 

Carmilla sighed and dropped her phone next to her hip as she laid back in her bed and continued reading. Her mind both involved in the reading she was doing and not at all paying attention. _What am I going to do about Laura’s research? What can I do? I can’t do anything. This is going to get so bad. Shit. Laura. No. She’s inquisitive, she’ll figure it all out. She’s bound to. I spoke to her and then everything fell to shit. Figures._ Carmilla’s mind cycled around and around, Laura, her research, speaking to Laura, and back again until she was pulled from her thoughts and her reading by the chime of her phone. 

**Bossman (12:20):** I need you to work after classes today. Cassie called out. It’ll probably be at least 6 hours, we start extended hours tonight. Be here by 6. Please? 

Carmilla rolled her eyes before sending her acknowledgement and checking the time before going back to her reading. She wasn’t as far as she should be through the assignment and she knew it as she struggled to focus, her mind overwhelmed with thoughts of Laura and her research and Mother. With her mind restless, she couldn’t sit still any longer, grabbing her bag and book and heading out of the room. With everything else on her mind, she hadn’t even had the headspace to worry about how she was going to get through the lit class. 

Laura wandered into the last class of her day with a bright grin on her face; her thoughts excited as she tried to decide where to sit for class. _I don’t want to sit in the back, but that’s definitely Carmilla’s style and if I sit in the front she’ll roll her eyes and never sit with me. Maybe a happy medium. Sit in the middle. It’s not like I don’t have all of the seats to choose from right now._ Laura’s smile grew as she paced to the almost exact center of the white room, and plopped into a desk, dropping her bag at her side. Laura pulled out her book with plans of reviewing the reading before class as Danny strolled over to her desk. 

“Aren’t you usually a front row center kind of student?” Danny’s tone bristled gently, coming out slightly accusatory.

Laura kept her eyes on her book as she responded. “Yeah, well, Carm is more of the back of the room type, so I figured we both compromise, we’ll both be comfortable and class’ll be more fun that way.” Danny groaned, in annoyance. Laura lifted her head in askance, her eyes landing on Danny’s bright sky blue eyes, searching. _What did Carm call her? Jealous ginger giant. I don’t think she’s jealous. But I don’t know for sure. Anything I do that involves Carm seems to just frustrate her. Jeez, maybe she is jealous. I don’t know._

“What is her deal? First, she’s rude. She makes a habit of running into me, literally, and never apologizes. I feel like she does it intentionally just to be a jerk. Seriously. Who does that? And then there’s the special treatment she’s getting from Dr. Swindel, like she’s fully capable. Why does she get this as an option? Who gets someone else to present their group project work, if it weren’t special treatment it would be considered cheating. How does she get out of having to do her own work? And now she’s making you change your habits to make her happy. I swear, Laura, she seems like bad news.” Danny’s mouth was set in a line, the corners of her mouth tugged downward. Her strawberry blonde and copper mixed hair pulled back in a low ponytail on the back of her head. Laura’s eyes flowed over Danny, towering over her.

“First. She isn’t making me do anything. She doesn’t even know of this compromise idea I had. So you can shut it on that. Second. She’s sweet. You don’t know her and you clearly refuse to give her a chance, you’ve looked at the book and decided you don’t like the story without a clue as to what it says. And I personally think that is moronic. And as for the special treatment. You don’t know the whole story.”

“Fine. I don’t know the whole story. Enlighten me then since you know so much about her and I’m so clearly wrong.” Danny countered, her tone competitive and caustic; she looked into Laura’s eyes letting Laura’s resolve soften her voice. “You tell me what her deal is and I’ll let it drop, I’m just looking out for you, Laur. You know I care about you.”

Laura’s eyes dropped to the book sitting on the desk in front of her. “Danny.” Laura let out a soft sigh, finding herself wishing she hadn’t been so early for class today. “I don’t know what her deal is. I don’t. But I want to and for that to happen I need to wait until she’s ready to share with me what her story is.” Laura paused, thinking back over the conversation she’d had with LaFontaine. “And when she does share her story with me. It won’t be my story to tell, unless she tells me I can. I can make my own decisions. I know you care, but I don’t need another Dad. I’ve got that handled. So maybe you can just be my less overprotective friend?”

Danny’s eyes dropped to her hands, as her mouth opened, she floundered for words for a moment before nodding slowly. “I’m not going to stop caring about you. Or wanting to protect you. I still really think she’s bad news, Laur.” There was a pause before Danny lifted her head as a few other students broke the gentle silence of the room.

Laura’s voice was calm and quiet as she spoke, not wanting the other students to be privy to their conversation. “I know Danny. But I’m capable of making that judgement for myself.”

Danny nodded feeling fully chastised her eyes dropped to the floor, as Kirsch walked up behind Laura’s desk with a big grin on his face. “Hey D-Bear! Hey Little L!”

Laura let a smile spread across her face at the sound of the greeting from the big oaf, turning in her chair to see him tower over her. “Not calling me nerd hottie today? Kirsch, are you feeling ok? Not that I’m a particular fan of that nickname, you do tend to call me that more than anything else for the most part.” Danny took that moment to make her awkward exit with a quick roll of her eyes at Kirsch’s existence and a wave over her shoulder that Kirsch didn’t miss.

“See ya D-bear.” Kirsch flinched at Laura’s comment, his smile falling a fraction as he pointed at the chair next to her, both of his eyebrows raised in the unspoken question. Laura nodded with a wave of her hand. Kirsch dropped into the seat with a thud. “Well. See. I have to go through mandatory sensitivity training, because some of the brothers are not very well informed or, uh, enlightened. And, uh, they pointed out that I was objectifying you and… uh…” Kirsch rubbed his hand on the back of his neck as he continued, uncomfortable. “Belittling your existence. Which I don’t… didn’t mean to do at all little dude. You’re awesome and I just meant it as, like, a nickname or a term of endearment or something. But now I totally get why you don’t like it so I’ll try not to call you that anymore.” His last sentence came out in a rush.

Laura nodded softly, her eyes seeing Kirsch in a new light. “Kirsch, that’s very sweet. Thanks.” Laura turned away from Kirsch, dropping her eyes back to the book in front of her, unseeing.

“Hey, Little L, what’s up? You’re not still worried about Carm-tastic, are you?” Kirsch’s voice was soft and tender as he asked; Laura could tell he cared quite a bit about Carmilla.

“No. Well, yes. I don’t know. Yesterday she came back after class and I was working on research for my journalism project. I found this really interesting previous dean who totally seemed to change the way this university operates before it seems she lost it a bit. I’m still working on that part. But Carm came in and she started asking me a question and then she froze. Literally froze. She muttered Mother and then it was like she was someone else. She was silent and scared. And I don’t know why.” Laura exhaled audibly, her eyes brimming with concern as she looked at Kirsch. “I mean. Something really spooked her. Kirsch, you know her, what should I do? I mean I made her watch Buffy with me last night and that seemed to calm her down, but she didn’t say anything the rest of the night. And that’s weird. I mean it’s weird, right?”

Kirsch’s eyes roamed the room, never landing on anything for too long as more students filed in. “Uh, I don’t know little L. Maybe you should find a new subject for your journalism project.” Laura’s mouth dropped open, surprise written over every facet of her face. “I mean, L, you said her reaction was to your project research so maybe you should do something else.” Kirsch’s eyes still wouldn’t meet Laura’s. He scanned the room again as Laura looked at him.

“But, why, Kirsch? Why did she react like that? What’s going on?” Laura’s eyes stared Kirsch down, even as his eyes hopscotched around the room. He shrugged lightly, still not looking at her. “Come on, Kirsch, you know something.”

“I don’t know, little L.” He shrugged again for emphasis. His eyes stopped circling the room and settled on her own, holding a fiery intensity within them that surprised her. “I don’t know Laura.” Kirsch’s voice was steady, imploring, another thing Laura was surprised by. “I just think you should probably find a new research topic and drop the one you’re working on.” Kirsch’s giant goofy grin was absent from his face altogether, his face was lined in gravity and sincerity, leaving Laura feeling somewhat stunned.

 _I can’t just drop this. The research I’ve found on the dean it’s important. And there’s more to it. I have to keep going. I haven’t figured everything out yet. I have to keep researching. I have to know more. She is the perfect research subject. The whole thing is a mystery worthy of investigation. I can’t not investigate it. I can’t leave it alone. There’s so much more. I can feel it. I have to keep going. I don’t know why it would bug Carm. The research has nothing to do with her. It’s not just for a grade. It’s for information. The other students deserve to know what’s happened at their school. I can’t, I won’t drop it._ Laura let her mind settle as she met Kirsch’s eyes again, they were expectant and waiting.

“What?” Laura asked, as she watched Kirsch’s face.

Kirsch shook his head and turned his attention to the door. “Hey Carm-tastic! Bro! Carm-sexy, come on! You have to sit over here!” Kirsch waved his hands almost frantically trying to get her attention and pointing to the chair next to him. Laura turned to see Carmilla walking toward the two of them, a sly smirk worn lopsided across her face. _Man, how does he do that? It’s like he has an extra sense just to know when Carm is around._ Carmilla approached and dropped lazily into the chair next to Kirsch, her posture turning into more of a sprawl than proper seating.

Carmilla opened her mouth as though she was about to greet them, but closed it abruptly when the professor addressed the class. Carmilla feigned a frown and then waved before turning slightly to look like she was paying attention. “Good afternoon class. I trust you’ve all read the first 60 pages of Uncle Silas. I’m going to break you into subgroups of two for today’s discussion. I want you to discuss what Le Fanu was trying to make you feel versus what you actually felt. You should talk about how it could have been better or worse, whichever your take on that actually is. This will also help you to learn a little bit more about your group members which will be helpful in later projects and discussions.”

Laura smiled widely, her eyes landing on Carmilla who was faintly frowning. _Yep. I can get to know her better. I want that. I wonder how he’s doing the groupings. I mean she’s not sitting next to me. I wish she would have but. Maybe he’ll let us pick our pair without his help. Then she and I can be paired. And I can talk to Carm about books. She loves books, she probably has a lot to say. I can’t wait to see her get excited about something._ Just then the professor walked in front of her, drawing Laura from her thoughts.

“You two.” He pointed at Carmilla and Kirsch, Laura felt her face drop for a moment as he dashed her hope. “And you.” He pointed at her quickly as she tried to bring her smile back to its usual wattage. “You’ll be paired with Ms. Lawrence for today.” Laura nodded, seeing Danny’s satisfied smirk out of the corner of her eyes. The professor started to move away from her, speaking as he went. “Next time you’ll have different partners. So that you can get to know all of the members of your group. Which as I’ve said will be beneficial for all of you.”

Carmilla sat idly as Kirsch scooted his desk so that both desks were aligned. “Hey. Uh.” Kirsch’s voice came soft and unsure. “Dude?” Carmilla nodded to him, indicating she was listening, even as she was staring out of the side of her eyes at Laura. Kirsch’s voice came tentatively. “Are you ok? Laura told me about her journalism project.” Kirsch watched as Carmilla went rigid in her seat, her muscles tensing simultaneously, before she let out a soft exhale, forcing herself to relax into the seat again. Carmilla didn’t speak as she turned her full attention to him. “I suggested she drop it and find a new topic.”

Carmilla shook her head, her hand moving to pinch the bridge of her nose. “I’m sure if anything that’ll just spur her on in her research.” Kirsch shrugged one shoulder. “You know her beefcake. If anything, you telling her she should drop it, just gave her more questions and she’s not one to let questions lie unanswered at her feet.”

Kirsch nodded, his voice somber and a bit disappointed. “I know. Little L is persistent. She’s smart. I had to try though. But I’m sure your sister, Mattie, did a really good job.” Carmilla stopped his speech with a raised hand in his direction.

“Kirsch. Stop.” Carmilla’s voice was tight and strained, her muscles tensing, her vocal chords showing the strain she was feeling. Kirsch knew if he kept on the subject she’d start to struggle with her words. He hated the thought of it but at least he knew what to expect. He nodded softly, watching as she took slowly deepening breaths.

“Hey so this book!” Kirsch glued a grin to his face; his smile was off, Carmilla could tell, but she made no comment. “The feels!”

Carmilla chuckled at him, some of the muscles in her jaw slackening as she did. “Yeah beefcake. The feels! So many feels.” She met his eyes with a nod of appreciation as her muscles slowly loosened.

The class continued Kirsch and Carmilla spoke a bit about the novel before they devolved into texting and giving notes to Laura much to Danny’s chagrin and Laura’s amusement.

 **Carm (13:45):** The feels, cutie, the feels. It’s all about the feels with this book.

 **Laura (13:45):** Carm, are you guys even doing anything closely resembling discussion of the book?

 **Carm (13:46):** Of course, cupcake. Kirsch told me all about the feels the book evoked and then I told him they were feels that hit me right in the heart. Or stomach. Or I was hungry when reading this. Who knows?

 **Laura (13:46):** Danny’s getting mad that I’m texting during class. Wait why is Kirsch also texting me?

 

 **Kirsch (13:46):** Little L! Did you feel all the feels of the book? It’s an important question. Also Carm-sexy says that D-bear is totally into me. Is that true?

 **Little L (13:47):** What is this 4 th grade? Why don’t you write her a note? “do you like me? Circle one Yes or No”

 **Kirsch (13:47):** that’s a great idea! you’ll make sure she answers it right!?

 **Little L (13:48):** Sure Kirsch. Why not.

The class continued in that fashion, Kirsch handing Laura scrawled notes for herself or Danny and Carmilla texting her with various ridiculous comments. Laura felt herself biting back on laughter throughout the class. Each text Laura got, made it harder to keep a straight face, even as Danny’s face grew rosy with anger. Laura found herself enjoying every minute of inanity between the other two group members. She reveled in the way Carmilla seemed more at ease than she had in days, the smile Carmilla wore as she typed up a text. She was so caught up in the playful back and forth she almost groaned when the professor dismissed them for the day. 

Laura made her way back to their dorm, her phone in hand for any further messages that Carmilla might have sent. She could feel the smile still settled over her lips from the class she’d just left. _Maybe it really wasn’t anything big. Maybe this can be easy. Carm and me. We’re friends. And that’s the least of it. Now I just have to work on my journalism project. More researching Lilita Morgan. I probably have the best topic. Dr. Cochrane encouraged us to ask the hard questions, search even deeper, and that’s what I need to do. I have the surface stuff, but I know there’s more._ Laura slid into her desk chair with a sigh as the weight of her backpack fell away from her. 

She brought up her most recent notes on Lilita Morgan for this week’s broadcast, if her news reports could be called that. She spent a few more hours researching and texting Carmilla intermittently as she did so.

 **Laura (15:25):** Are we hanging out tonight? More Buffy and Cookies? And hot chocolate, can’t forget the hot chocolate.

 **Carm (15:35):** I wish but no can do sweetheart. I have work, sorry buttercup.

Laura frowned at Carmilla’s response, wishing Carmilla didn’t have to work, before silencing her phone so she could focus on her project. Laura quickly changed into her blue button down, ‘official looking reporter’ shirt and settled into the chair. She opened up her video program on her computer, smiling to herself as she waited for it to initialize. As soon as the camera started recording, her smile dropped into a flat line as she made her best serious face.

“I’m reporting to you from Silas University, which despite appearance in current day, has a somewhat seedy past. Last week, I told you about the first female president and dean of the university, Lilita Morgan. Last week was the positive traits of the dean, as she preferred to be called by everyone. This week, I will cover the turn and flop. In the first years of her appointment, she was all positive changes. As we covered last week, she brought about great change, creating a conservation focus that students could study, finding funding from often limited resources for sociopsychological studies and pushing broad changes that moved the university quickly towards much needed gender equality. She made large strides all around the campus, using the largess that the university had been granted towards a positive outcome. As I researched her further, I found that she started to let the power she wielded go to her head.

“The dean first started using university funds for unknown and questionable construction projects. Money would be moved and there was no construction ongoing. The student paper, the Silas daily news, tried to report on such information and the dean pulled some of their funding making it so they struggled to put out a paper on a regular basis. More and more complaints of the dean doing cold and callous things popped up as I researched further into her tenure here at Silas University. One student interviewed at the time of her tenure was on record saying he actually feared that she might rip out his eyeballs and use them as martini olives.

“She held regular town hall meetings, gathering the students as FDR would do with his fireside chats, where she pushed more and more controversial agendas. Punishments for missing or being late to a town hall meeting were harsh. Boy, did they really not like tardiness here. Around the time the Dean married, her fearmongering actually started to edge into McCarthyism. She tried to shut down the student paper, citing lack of funds as her reasoning. When donors stepped up to the plate to keep the paper open she tried to gag its output. Censorship. As students started to question what she was doing, she started removing any teacher she believed to be encouraging that line of thinking. She moved a full 180 from the promising and positive educator who had been first appointed.”

A soft knock and a squeak of the door distracted Laura. She whipped her head around to see Perry and LaFontaine standing in her doorway. “Have you eaten sweetie?” Perry asked as her strawberry curls bobbed into the room. “Your father made me promise when he dropped you off last year, that I would at least try to make you eat more than all of the cookies in sight and the hot chocolate you have on hand. Laura sighed, hearing the caring in Perry’s voice.

“So you know what that means, frosh. It’s food time.” Laura opened her mouth to say she’d already eaten, after all she was down a package of cookies. Perry glared at her hard enough to make her snap her mouth shut. LaFontaine just laughed at the exchange before waving their hand toward the door. “No ifs, ands, or buts about it. Time to have some sort of nutrition.”

Laura stood from her chair before looking down at her outfit. “You guys wait in the hall, I’ve got to change and then we can go.” They nodded to her with matching smiles on their faces. _I’m not sure what I’d do without them._ She thought to herself as she changed her shirt, before making sure to grab her phone and joining them out in the hall.

Laura laid back on the bed, her package of cookies next to her, her computer on her lap playing the 100 for background noise as she texted back and forth with Carmilla. Laura would send snaps and screen shots of shows and Carmilla would respond with guesses as to what they were. Laura had already started making a list of shows Carmilla didn’t know and, therefore, needed to be educated on. She was already up to a solid twelve shows she could and would make Carmilla watch with her. Carmilla would send her pictures of books as she shelved them and Laura would try to guess at the plot, she was never right but her ideas were always amusing for the both of them, especially when Carmilla was shelving non-fiction (which she never mentioned to Laura) and Laura would look at the cover and come up with the most convoluted science fiction plot that could be related to the cover picture.

As the night wore on, Laura realized that Carmilla once again wouldn’t make it back before she fell asleep. ___She can't still be working, so o_ _nce again I find myself wondering where she goes at night. Sometimes it seems like the more I find out about her, the more questions I have. I can’t wait to figure her out. She so fun, yet so guarded. She’s open in her body language but barely speaks. I don’t get it. I may not be able to read her like a book, but I want her to become my favorite book, that I read over and over always finding new things._ Laura smiled to herself as she changed into her pajamas, before curling up around the pillow that still smelled faintly of Carmilla and letting her eyes close as she inhaled the soft, light smell.

Carmilla flinched at the sound of the squeak the door made as she entered her room, sad to realize Laura had probably been asleep for a few hours by that point. She’d walked to clear her head after leaving the library, she’d needed the silence. She crossed the darkened room, lit only by the light of the screensaver on Laura’s computer. A soft, genuine smile spread across her face as she looked down, seeing Laura’s face lit in shades of blues and greens, a serene scene reflecting off her slumbering features, calm and content as they were. Carmilla readied herself for bed in silence, Laura’s soft, steady breaths the only chorus as she moved. She stood between the beds looking at Laura for a moment longer before, she whispered “Goodnight, cutie.” And crawled into bed.


	12. We Need to Talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello Friends and readers and other term of endearment! It is Sunday and as such I provide you with a new chapter. I haven't slept in a day or two so I apologize if this is more mistake laden than usual. I tried to proof. And really it's the thought that counts, right? :)
> 
> I did learn a bit of sign language as a kid. It's really quite interesting and helps you include a whole community in a conversation. 
> 
> As usual, I proof this stuff myself, so if you see a mistake, help a sister out or pretend it's not there (both acceptable courses of action). And as always, thanks so very much for reading, commenting and for the kudos, feel free to let me know what you think. All the very kind comments and kudos encourage me to keep writing and remind me that people actually read what I write and I most definitely and will always thank you for that. Hope you enjoy!

Carmilla stirred slowly, a soft, sleepy, muffled growl escaping her throat as her phone’s volume increased gradually. Her hand groped blindly at the surface above her head, her eyes shut tight fighting the encroaching sun, as she reached around trying to find the minion of evil that was her cellphone. _This fucking thing._ She growled louder as her hand grazed her phone, pushing it slightly further out of her reach. _Who in their right mind gets up this early by choice? Seriously._ She tried to reach further, feeling the stretch in her side as she tried again to reach her phone without having to actually sit up. She knew it was no use, she’d planned it this way to make sure she would actually get up. _Gotta talk to Will. Don’t wanna. I want to sleep. Forever. So much sleep I could be getting._ She groaned as she forced herself upright, annoyance dancing across her face. As soon as she was upright, she grabbed her phone and immediately halted its boisterous bleating.

She stared at her phone blankly for a moment before fully settling into her own waking mind. _I have to talk to Will. This is going to suck._ She unlocked her phone with her usual precise grace. Her mind paused a moment when she saw two notifications lighting up the top of her screen. _Why would anyone willingly be awake now? I do not understand morning people._ She clicked on the first message a smile climbing on to her features as she read it, her fingers poised to type a response.

**Laura (8:57):** Good Morning Carm! I was sad we didn’t get to hang out last night, I like when we get to hang out. Buffy and Willow were sad too, I asked. Don’t worry I didn’t mess up our marathon place.

**Carm (9:27):** Jumping forward in Buffy are you, cupcake? I don’t remember you sending a snap of that. You just excited to get to Willow and Tara? Just needed your lady loving fix?

**Laura (9:30):** Come on Carm. I have YouTube web series to get my lady loving fix :P I only watched Hush when you were sending me book pictures. :)

**Carm (9:32):** Exactly what kind of lady loving fix are you getting from YouTube, sweetheart? Should I be jealous here, cutie?

Carmilla moved on to the next message, a smirk tugging at the corner of her mouth, which fell immediately as she read it. She snapped back to a reality Laura seemed inordinately capable of pulling her out of. _I don’t know how she does that, but she definitely knows some ways to snap me out of my own head and the dwelling my mind does._ Her eyes roamed over the text. 

**Will (9:01):** Ok Kitty. Let me know when you’re up and ready to talk. And we’ll be there. We’re working on Zeta business until you’re ready.

**Kitty (9:33):** Ok. You guys can come over. 

Carmilla moved about getting ready as normally as she could, all the while her mind whirled, running through what she was going to tell Will, how she was going to handle this, Laura. Laura was always there, in some capacity; her inquisitive eyes bright, shining and questioning as her image sat in Carmilla’s mind. By the time Will showed up with Kirsch in tow, Carmilla was dressed for the day and had been pacing for fifteen minutes, which to her felt like a combination of too much and somehow not enough. A soft knock pulling her from the pace she had been keeping. She opened the door to see her two favorite idiots standing shoulder to shoulder waiting for her invitation. 

She stood still, in silence for a beat. “Hey Kitty. Did you want to go for a walk to talk?” Will’s voice was tentative and soft as he tried to gauge her mood, still standing awkwardly in the doorway. She quickly shook her head vehemently, already questioning how long she would retain her speech once they started talking as she stepped back to allow them entrance to the room.  The made their way into the room, Kirsch folding himself into Laura’s computer chair before rolling it over to next to where Will threw himself on to Carmilla’s bed. Carmilla started pacing again, feeling restless as she thought. “What’s up Kitty?” Will asked, turning his face to see Kirsch watch Carmilla pace around the room. 

“It’s Laura.” Carmilla spoke, but didn’t look at the two whose eyes never left her. She barely paused in her pacing. Kirsch nodded knowingly while Will passively watched his sister pace, knowing enough to give her time to form her thoughts, knowing not to push her. Carmilla stopped in front of the two of them, turning her blazing eyes on them. “She’s focusing on Mother for her journalism project.” Her words were tense, tight and clipped, her annunciation sharp.  Will’s eyes widened in surprise, Kirsch nodded again earning the turn of Will’s surprised gaze onto him. 

“What do you mean, she’s focusing on Mother?” He was no longer slouching, reclined on Carmilla’s bed. His body was tense, his words wary. He saw Kirsch looking back and forth between the two of them out of the corner of his eye. Will turned his gaze quickly. “And why don’t you seem more surprised about this?” Will’s tone gradually became as sharp as Carmilla’s, anger and worry setting into his vocal chords, where tension and fear had set into hers. “What do you mean your prissy little roommate is focusing on Mother? Why haven’t you stopped her? Why haven’t you dealt with her?” 

Kirsch broke his silence after looking between the siblings as they were having a stare down. “Whoa, bro. Don’t. Little L. She doesn’t know. And it’s not like Carmilla can, like, control her, or anything. She’s just as bothered by this as you are so, like, chill, dude, maybe even, like, more, uh, bothered than you, you know that. Also, bro, not cool. You don’t have to be all, like, insulting just because you’re upset, that’s not how things work. Little L is cool. And your sis is, like, super into her too, bro.” Will’s face softened as he listened to Kirsch; the anger fleeting as reason set in.

Carmilla dropped onto Laura’s bed, her posture suddenly as though she hadn’t slept in weeks. “I didn’t know. I spoke to her and found out in her same breath.” Carmilla’s voice was soft, weak and exhausted. She had been so happy she’d gotten her voice to do what she wanted as she spoke to Laura and then she read Laura’s computer screen.

“Wait, Kitty.” Will’s voice was soft, but Carmilla heard the smile in it even as she stared at the ground between them. “You spoke to her? She was distracted and you spoke to her? So your plan worked?” Will asked a slight smile tugging at the edges of his lips, despite the rapid change in emotion. Kirsch’s eyes were wide, his gaping grin was tinged with apprehension.

Carmilla nodded, lifting her eyes to meet theirs. “I’m so close. I can feel it. I could speak to her. But I know if she finds out that Lilita Morgan is our mother, she’ll ask questions.” Carmilla’s voice was cracked and tight, her emotions audible in the tone of her voice.  “And she’ll find out, she’s smart and resourceful.” Carmilla’s face lifted as she thought about Laura, her tone reverent. Then her face fell flat, her voice followed suit as she tried to disconnect herself from the conversation. “If she wants to know more about Mother, she will, no matter what I do. And the thing is I know she’ll find out. And I know she won’t stop asking questions and researching until she finds out everything.” Will’s eyes broke from Carmilla’s, falling to land on the floor in front of him. “I’m not sure what to do, really I’m not. I want to talk to her, but if she pushes me on mother, you and I both know I will be stuck. Mother is not something I can talk about; I’ve tried so hard with so many people but it’s just not something I can do. It’s a barrier I can’t break.”

Silence fell over the trio as they all stared absently at the floor in front of them, Carmilla’s words settling in their minds. None of them were surprised by the words; Mother had always been the worst trigger she’d had for her mutism and without the ability to speak about it, it was harder to resolve in even miniscule amounts. Finally, after a few minutes of silence, Kirsch lifted his head, his eyes bouncing between the siblings on opposite sides of the room. “Dude, I have an idea.” Carmilla lifted her eyes to meet his excited ones. She nodded, prompting him further as Will’s attention landed on him. “Well. I mean. You should, like, tell her.” Kirsch’s voice was soft and nervous as he spoke.

“Beefcake. What part of, ‘I can’t talk about it,’ did you not understand?” Carmilla’s voice was quiet, but harsh, as her gaze questioned his intelligence without words.

“No. No, dude. I don’t mean about your, uh, Mother. I meant about your, uh, like, well, you know. The fact that you don’t speak.” Will was nodding along with Kirsch’s words as though he understood the logic behind the suggestion, his gaze flicking to Carmilla momentarily before returning to Kirsch. “I mean. Little L is, like, into you, really into you.” Carmilla’s face morphed into a disbelieve smirk before dropping into a frown again as Kirsch continued. “And she’s, like totally super caring too. She, uh, would never want to make you, like, uncomfortable, or anything. So I mean, like, I know, Will has been telling you to tell her for a few weeks now, but I think that you should like tell her. If you tell her about your, you know, like, selective mutism, and then you tell her your mother is a trigger for you, because she totally is, she’ll, probably, like, totally, drop her research or at the very least she’d, like, leave you out of it.” Kirsch explained, his voice strong and steady, his grin firmly in place. “Because she, totally, wouldn’t, like, want to upset you.” Kirsch turned his gaze from Carmilla to Will for a second to see a smug smirk settled over his features as he nodded.

“God. I don’t know.” Carmilla’s voice was exasperated and lost as she ran a hand through her messy, onyx locks. “I didn’t want her to know. I don’t want her to see me as less. I’m not broken. I don’t need to be fixed. I don’t want her to think I am. I mean Ell found out and immediately started telling me about treatment options and how much she planned to make me all better. And how I didn’t have to live with this. I could choose to get better.” Will and Kirsch both shook their head and Carmilla’s voice grew harder at the mention of her sort-of-almost-kind-of ex-girlfriend.

“But, Kitty, that’s the thing. If she thinks that of you, she doesn’t even deserve your attention, in the first place. This is part of who you are, even if you defeat it, it’s still something you could struggle with, it’s still something that has shaped who you are as a person. It’s not something you can control.” Carmilla’s gaze was on her hands as the twitched in her lap as she listened. Will’s voice was soft and soothing as he spoke with conviction. “And, really, you deserve someone who sees all of you and still wants you, not someone you can’t be yourself around. You need silence sometimes, sometimes you’re not ready to talk even if you can.” Kirsch nodded as Will spoke, his goofy grin once again plastered onto his face as he agreed with everything Will said. “These are things she needs to know as your friend, even before you get to more and she’s likely to want to know why. But she should accept all of you. You are who you are and you don’t need to change for anyone but yourself.”

Carmilla sighed, her shoulders dropping in defeat as Will’s words rolled around inside her head. She knew he was right, she knew both he and Kirsch had valid points, but she couldn’t shake the nagging uncertainty. Despite knowing they had a point, she couldn’t get her mind to fully commit and agree to telling Laura. She just wasn’t ready, she wasn’t sure she wanted Laura to know yet, she didn’t want Laura to see her differently; she had what she thought of as points just as valid as those her brother and Kirsch had pointed out. “I don’t know. I’ll think about it.” Kirsch and Will nodded slowly, letting Carmilla’s words glide over them. 

“OK. So I know you guys don’t really want to think about this, and I, uh, like, hate to suggest it.” Kirsch’s voice cut through the momentarily silence soberly as his gaze flicked between Will and Carmilla. “But, what are we going to tell Little L if she does get to the whole story or at least the part involving both of you and your mom.” Carmilla’s face went paler, Kirsch hadn’t known it was possible to get that pale, but she did; Will’s complexion wasn’t much darker than Carmilla’s.

Carmilla opened her mouth to speak and nothing came out. She tried again, her heart racing as she thought. The pounding in her head increased, her pulse throbbed in her all of her extremities. _Breathe. 1. 2. 3. 4. 4. 3. 2. 1. Release. Get your shit together, it’s just Will and Kirsch, just Will and Kirsch. I talk to them all the time. Breathe. 1. 2. 3. 4. 4. 3. 2. 1. Release. Why can’t I get my body to cooperate? Damnit! Fuck. Fuck. Fuck._ She tried again, floundering like a fish out of water. Will was also silent, he didn’t appear to be making any motion to speak, unlike Carmilla, who was opening and closing her mouth, showing the sheer force of her will. Carmilla sighed her face dropping, her eyes settling on the faces of the two boys across from her.

Carmilla lifted her hands again as her face fixed into a grim expression. She began signing, her hands moving with skillful purpose, her face resigned. “It’s probably be better if she learned that from me, but I can’t guarantee that I’ll ever be able to talk to her about it. If she starts getting close to that information.” Carmilla paused, sighed again, before focusing and finishing, her hands flying as she went. “If she gets close to that information, and I can’t tell her, Will,” She made the gesture she’d designated to Will when they were younger, a W integrated into the sign for boy (Willy-boy). “You have my permission to tell her, but maybe I’ll be able to tell her on my own.” Carmilla felt herself calm as she continued signing. “I want to be able to tell her my own story in my own time, in my own voice, but I may not get the chance.” Kirsch was nodding as she signed, his face grim as he turned his attention to Will looking for a response.

Will nodded once, sharply, his eyes held firmly to Carmilla’s as he began to sign his response. As he did, his mind jumped involuntarily to when they first started to learn American Sign Language. _We were all 9 or 10, Carmilla hadn’t spoken in over two years. Each teacher she had said she was just being rebellious, said she just needed to learn respect for her elders. Doctors said there was nothing wrong with her vocal chords, therefore she should speak like good little girls do. She floundered, but never spoke; she tried, but she just couldn’t do it. Finally, Dr. JP diagnosed her; he put together the pieces from things I said and reports from other doctors. He said she’d speak once she felt comfortable. It was an idea that was so foreign. Being comfortable. We were never comfortable back then. That’s when we met Kirsch. That’s when Dr. JP suggested we learn sign language. “If she doesn’t feel pressured to speak, she might start to get more comfortable.” He said to us. Her doctor visits became more and more like playtime. Dr. JP was the first person she spoke to. She was so close to being comfortable with us but needed help so she asked Dr. JP for it. And he was so impressed. We don’t use it unless we have to, but learning it was a brilliant idea._

Will focused; his mind back on his response as he executed the hand motions with precision. “I get it, Kitty.” She smiled softly as he signed cat because he struggled with the sign alphabet as a kid and Carmilla often ended up being Catmilla, later shortened to Cat as a joke. “I don’t want to be the one to tell your story. It’s yours to tell. It’s our story but it’s most definitely yours to tell. If or when you’re ready. But if you tell me to tell her, I’ll do it. But not until you say so.”

Carmilla nodded with clear, quick motion, taking slow deep breaths. She cleared her throat, pausing a beat before noticing the time. She opened her mouth a moment before trying to speak. “Ok. I have my first class soon.” Her voice was tight with tension and the weight of their conversation. “You want to get food?” Will nodded once, his face still tight, his movements jerkier than usual. “Beefcake?”

Kirsch laughed. “I’m starving, bro. I thought you’d never ask. A growing boy needs his bacon. It’s brain food, dude.” Kirsch announced a growing smirk covering his face. Carmilla shook her head lightly as she grabbed her bag and phone and led the two of them out of the room.

Laura sighed as she unlocked the door to her dorm room. _Carmilla has been quieter than normal today. There’s been more time between responses; she’s probably just busy. She still responds they’re just not as immediate. That’s nothing to read into. I just hope she’s not planning on going back to avoiding me. I mean I don’t know that’s what she was doing, but it seemed like it. And then she didn’t come back until late again last night._ She moved into the comfort and silence of her room as her thoughts folded back on themselves. _Where does she go? I know she’s probably busy in class today, I mean I’ve never seen her do homework, so maybe that’s what she was doing yesterday. Maybe I’m hindering her academic abilities with my presence. I mean, have I been pushing marathoning Buffy too hard? I should make sure she knows she doesn’t have to. She’s such a sweet person she’d probably do that with me even if she didn’t want to._ Laura slipped into the chair at her desk with a soft groan.

_I have some editing to do. Maybe I should focus on that, get my mind off of worrying about Carm. I’m probably overanalyzing. I mean that’s what you get with an overprotective parent._ Laura turned her attention to her computer, forcing herself to focus on her Journalism project. “Crap. I left my camera on.” The words slipped out of her mouth unintentionally as she sat before her computer, staring forward at the little white light lit next to her camera above the screen.   _I guess my some editing, just became a lot of editing. This is bound to be tediously boring._

Laura frowned as the screen came alive, the previous 20 hours saved automatically to her external hard drive glaring in front of her face in the folder marked for her Journalism project. _Well since I have this recorded I might as well find out when Carm actually did come in. Eh, maybe I shouldn’t. I mean she didn’t agree to being on camera._ In the end, Laura’s curiosity got the best of her. Laura cut off the camera and started looking at the footage. She started her search by clicking randomly through the video and watching for a few minutes.

On her first click, she found herself, lying in bed, soft mutters and requests captured by the video. She blushed gently as she heard herself mumble ‘Carm’ a few times. _Well, I guess I’m glad she wasn’t in the room for that. That would have been embarrassing. Actually, no, wait, yep still embarrassing regardless._ Laura watched for a few minutes, ensuring Carmilla hadn’t entered in that time before clicking again.

Her second random click, once again found her watching herself sleep. This time she could remember the dream tied to the words she spoke, sending shivers down her spine. She abruptly decided she should start at the end of the video and rewind from there. She positioned her cursor, bringing herself to the end of the video, staring into her own eyes on screen.

Another click and she was in awe. The video was shot over what looked like Kirsch’s shoulder, the bottom edge framed in light gray shirt running perpendicular to the buzzed head that took up the edge of the right side. Carmilla was center screen, sitting on Laura’s bed, her hands flying, her face expressive and moving rapidly as she mouthed what she was saying. Laura watched rapt as not a word was said. She fiddled with the volume knobs to make sure she wasn’t missing something, before recognizing a sign she’d learned in first grade. _Sign language. Carmilla can sign. But why? And why was she doing it then? This girl is a mystery. I wonder if maybe the dark haired boy is deaf. That would explain why Carmilla is signing at him. I wonder if Kirsch understands her. He’s nodding. Kirsch isn’t a mystery though. I know him, or I thought I did. I need to know more._

She began to rewind again, her hands moving of their own accord, even as her mind screamed that she shouldn’t, it could and would be an invasion of privacy. She couldn’t stop herself. She had to know. She paused the screen just as Carmilla stood at the open door, revealing the two boys standing shoulder to shoulder crowding the doorway. _Kirsch and… I wonder who that other guy is._ She took a deep breath before pressing play. The video starting, “…Kitty, do you…” Laura’s attention was rapt as the man’s voice flowed through her speakers. _Kitty? Who the hell is he?_ Laura could feel a confusing tinge of jealousy as she watched the interaction. _Carm looks so comfortable with him._ Laura watched as the conversation jumped back and forth between the two. _Hey! I am not prissy. What a douchecanoe. Thank you Kirsch for defending me. Oh. Wait, sis? That’s Carmilla’s brother. Right. Well, they do have quite the resemblance and she did say her brother was the only family she’s close to. Wait, Carm is super into me? No way.  
_

Laura’s mind jumped all over as she grinned and tried the follow the conversation on the screen in front of her. Guilt wormed its way into her mind even as she continued watching. _I shouldn’t be watching this. This is a private conversation._ But even as she told herself that, she couldn’t pull her eyes away, she couldn’t make herself stop the video. This was her mystery, her roommate, and she reveled in the things she was learning about Carmilla, even as she mentally beat herself up for being nosy, for invading Carmilla’s privacy. Her ears luxuriated in the smooth, smoky, sultry sound of Carmilla’s voice, a sound she didn’t get to hear enough in her opinion. Her eyes took in every inch of Carmilla as she paced, and sat, and talked. Her eyes ran down Carmilla’s lithe form, taking in the curve of her hips, the set of her lips, the way she studied her hands.  

She felt herself mired in confusion and as Carmilla spoke like she was incapable of speaking, spoke about how she couldn’t talk to Laura. _She doesn’t think she can talk to me. I haven’t earned her trust. Duh. I’m sitting here watching a private conversation, I don’t blame her I wouldn’t trust me either._ She was torn from her thoughts by Kirsch’s voice edged in discomfort and honesty, her eyes glued to the screen as he spoke. “I meant about your, uh, like, well, you know. The fact that you don’t speak. I mean. Little L is, like, into you, really into you.” Laura slammed her hand over her face with a groan at Kirsch’s words. _Gee, thanks for telling her Kirsch. I might not have been ready for her to know._ “And she’s, like totally super caring too. She, uh, would never want to make you, like, uncomfortable, or anything.” She felt herself nodding at his words despite the emptiness of the room around her. “So I mean, like, I know, Will has been telling you to tell her for a few weeks now, but I think that you should like tell her. If you tell her about your, you know, like, selective mutism.” Laura’s jaw dropped as comically as every cartoon character ever. _Wait. What?_

Laura sat at her desk, her mind reeling as the video continued. She was unaware of it as it ran providing background noise to her internal commentary; it could have shown alien abductions and she wouldn’t have noticed. _What? Selective mutism? She's not mute. She's speaking in the video, she's spoken to me. Maybe they're confused. Maybe I'm confused._ Laura clicked away from the video, opening up her favorite search engine and typed in ‘Selective mutism.’ Results popped up in less than a minute. She starting scrolling through them, her eyes flicking from link to link, unsure which to click. She settled on Wikipedia, for a quick overview, she was anxious for information and so very confused. 


	13. Hollis and Handsigns

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello Friends and Readers and Combinations thereof! I know I'm a day late but I promise I'm not a dollar short! I didn't want to rush it. So, here it is in all it's very interesting glory (that's a very hopeful and almost cocky statement right there, if I do say so myself.), I present unto you the next chapter. (don't mind me I should probably be sleeping now.)
> 
> As usual, I proof this stuff myself, so if you see a mistake, help a sister out or pretend it's not there (both acceptable courses of action). And as always, thanks so very much for reading, commenting and for the kudos, feel free to let me know what you think. All the very kind comments and kudos encourage me to keep writing and remind me that people actually read what I write and I most definitely and will always thank you for that. Hope you enjoy!

Laura sat quietly in her computer chair; her eyes blank as they stared at the screen in front of her. She couldn’t get her mind to move. She was stuck, her mind going over every interaction she’d had with Carmilla.  _That day in the library, I thought it seemed like she wasn’t sorry we missed each other. She probably wasn’t. She wasn’t because she couldn’t speak to me. Every time Danny and I’ve run into her, she didn’t apologize, she didn’t speak even though it seemed like she wanted to. She looked lost because she was. She couldn’t make herself speak and she wanted to. She’s been talking to me over text and snapchat because she couldn’t in person. And in class she sat next to Kirsch, she never said anything, she looked relieved the one time she was about to speak and the professor cut her off to start class. She was relieved. LaF said it was her story to tell. They knew she couldn’t speak. God they told me it was her story to tell. That I should let her tell me when she was ready. Good job Hollis. Holy Hufflepuff! I shouldn’t have watched that. It was her story to tell and she wasn’t ready because she struggled with speaking. God. I can’t even imagine, wanting to speak but being unable. Carm. Oh Carm._

Laura’s face fell, her lips in a flat line her eyes still on the screen, even though the video she was supposed to be editing had run out a while ago. She’d been sitting there. _Selective mutism. I can’t let that affect how I treat her. She’s no different. I just have one of the puzzle pieces I didn’t have before. One I shouldn’t have. Shit. I shouldn’t know this. Carm. I’m so, so sorry. Oh God I’m going to have to make this up to her. I have to tell her. But if I tell her… god what if she never trusts me, or speaks to me, or what if she moves out. I can’t tell her I know. I can’t. I’ll just have to wait it out until she’s ready to tell me herself. I have to keep it to myself. It’s not my story to tell. And I shouldn’t have found out this way. I should have trusted Carmilla to tell me herself, when she was ready. Damnit. God, I have messed this up so bad. This is why they say curiosity killed the cat. And I don’t think there’s enough satisfaction with what I learned to bring this cat back. Crap. Crap. Crap._

Laura stared dumbfounded, her mind working through so many lines of thought she lost track of time. She came back to herself, turning her attention to her computer screen to notice the time. She straightened in her seat realizing she still had a lot of work to do on her journalism project before Carmilla got back to their room. _When Carm gets back, I’ll act like I always do. I mean she’s not different. She’s still the sweet, smart, sarcastic, quiet girl she was when she moved in, but now I know why that quiet is one of her descriptors. Therefore I have no reason to treat her differently. Duh. Laura, moron, it’s Carm. Nothing’s changed. Except this big ball of guilt. But I’ll just ignore that. Ugh. Why’d I have to watch that video? So, so stupid. When Carm gets here, it’ll be like nothing’s changed, because nothing has. And we can continue our Buffy marathon._  Laura could feel the smile spreading across her face as she tried to focus on her journalism project on the screen in front of her. Her mind circled through phases as she did, Carmilla, guilt, selective mutism, and her project, the last of which received the least amount of airtime in her head losing out to the others. 

Carmilla frowned own at her phone. Laura had gone quiet which incited a riot in Carmilla’s mind. _Come on. Get your shit together. It’s Laura, she’s probably working on something, or hanging out with the ginger colossus, who so clearly disapproves of me. I’m sure the ginger giant is holding Laura’s phone above her head, and forcing Laura to jump for it or something. I mean that seems like something that Brobdingnag would do._ Carmilla couldn’t wipe the frown from her face despite the mental image of Laura kicking Danny in the shins to get her phone back. Carmilla stood from her seat with a soft sigh as the professor dismissed her last class of the day. _Well at least I can figure out what is up with Laura now._ Carmilla’s feet carried her away from the classroom as she focused on her phone, trying to will it to chip or beep or make any noise indicating that Laura had messaged her. Instead, she was continually met with silence. 

She paced herself on her way back to the dorm room, she found herself conflicted. In her heart, all she wanted was to be met with Laura sitting at the desk, focused on her work giving Carmilla the opportunity to speak to her again. Carmilla’s mind wanted nothing less, Laura at her desk, working would probably mean researching. Laura researching would mean she was looking further into information Carmilla was nowhere near ready to deal with. As Carmilla’s mind and heart played tug-of-war with her emotions, Carmilla’s feet carried forward toward whichever outcome awaited her. Carmilla took a deep breath, exhaling audibly as she arrived at the door to Crowley Hall. _If she’s there, I say something. Or try to depending if she’s focused on her computer or something else._

Carmilla climbed the stairs slowly, she could feel her heart speed with each step she got closer to her own dorm room. Her pulse pounded harshly in her ears as her hand slid around the door knob. She took a deep breath, letting hold in her throat as she pushed the door open. Her eyes skimmed over Laura’s form. Laura was focused on the lit computer screen. Her hair cascading over one shoulder, Carmilla’s eyes moved over her bare neck, and down over the gray and white striped t-shirt that bared her sun-kissed skin at the midriff. Carmilla’s eyes wandered over Laura’s snug jeans, pausing in places as they traveled back up the form in front of her, before she moved quietly further into the room. _Well, I guess this is my chance. Please just don’t turn around Cupcake._

Carmilla moved until she was at Laura’s back, almost touching the back of the chair. She averted her eyes, trying desperately not to see what was on the screen so she would be able to say what she wanted to. Before she got her eyes fully turned to the girl in front of her, her eyes caught one line. ‘Snape held the boy close to him.’ Her eyes drank in the text, amusement bubbling up inside of her chest. _Fan Fiction. She’s reading Snape/Ron fan fiction._ Carmilla bit back on the laugh as it tried to crawl out of her throat. She moved her mouth to the edge of Laura’s ear, holding her breath as she did so, so as not to give herself away. “So how are we amusing ourselves this evening, Cutie?” Carmilla’s voice came out strangled around laughter. “More Buffy?” 

Laura jumped as soon as Carmilla’s voice sounded in her ear. Her hands flew across the keyboard desperate to change the open window on the computer screen. Carmilla chuckled a little harder as Laura’s posture tensed when instead of changing browser windows to something less embarrassing she opened an array from her search history, prompting another stronger laugh to bellow from Carmilla’s throat. Laura sighed know this was not something she could win. She closed her eyes, shook her head and let her ears rejoice in the sound of Carmilla’s laugh as it danced in the air next to her ear, before turning and once again noticing Carmilla’s proximity. 

“Yeah, Carm! More Buffy sounds great! Do you want to?” Laura’s eyes danced across Carmilla’s features which were all at once too close and not nearly close enough. Carmilla turned her head as she took a step away from Laura and her desk chair. Laura watched Carmilla step back and nod as guilt settled into the pit of Laura’s stomach. Laura’s smile faltered for a moment before she forced it back onto her face, though this time Carmilla noticed the false note to the smile that graced her roommates pale pink lips, bringing a momentary frown to her own lips. _I wonder what’s bothering her. Something seems a bit off._

Laura jumped up, her smile tainted just slightly as she turned to the beds, a question in her eyes. “Ok. Where do you want to do it this time?” Laura’s question was innocent as she looked back and forth between the two beds on either side of the room. Carmilla, however, couldn’t control the light chuckle and raised eyebrow as she watched Laura turn an adorable shade of red as she realized what she’d just said. “No. I mean. I. Ugh. I meant which bed do you want to watch the show on?” Laura corrected hastily, her ears tinged with the crimson that was already highlighting her face. Carmilla continued to laugh lightly. “Shut up, Carm! You know what I meant.” 

_Shut up? No one has ever said that to me before. Really. Never. She’s doing the exact opposite of pressuring me to talk. She just told me to shut up. God, this girl doesn’t even know how amazing she is. Maybe this girl won’t treat me differently when she finds out._ Carmilla let the smile play across her face, nodding as Laura gestured to her own bed. Laura waited expectantly, her eyes staring Carmilla down. Carmilla raised an eyebrow in question, wondering why Laura hadn’t shimmied into her own bed, yet. “Well?” Carmilla’s face faded into an expression of pure confusion. “Oh come on, Carm, ladies first.” Laura gestured to Carmilla and then to the bed they stood before. Carmilla couldn’t help the chuckle that slipped out as Laura appeared to have borrowed Kirsch’s goofy grin.  Carmilla shook her head lightly before slipping off her shoes and sliding into the bed. 

A few episodes and all but one slice of pizza later, Carmilla found herself with Laura leaned gently into her side, Laura’s head resting on her shoulder and Laura’s arm draped across her waist. Carmilla could tell by Laura’s breathing, that the girl wasn’t asleep; this just seemed to be Laura’s preferred TV show watching position. Carmilla couldn’t help the smile that snaked over her lips as she looked down and Laura’s gaze quickly dropped to the episode playing on the screen sitting in their laps. Carmilla leaned her head forward resting her chin on the top of Laura’s head, and in a brash move she turned her head slightly and brushing her lips lightly against Laura’s forehead. Carmilla felt Laura stiffen against her, Laura’s breath catching for a moment before she settled back in, snuggling even closer into Carmilla. Carmilla felt her breath return to normal, not realizing she’d even held it for a moment. They both drifted off snuggled up together, Buffy playing in the background until Carmilla woke and moved it from their laps, letting Laura pull her back into the bed, snuggling up once again. 

Carmilla woke to the muffled sound of a phone; she let out a soft groan. _What time is it? I don’t remember setting an alarm. Who would do this to me?_ She groped gently above her head, immediately setting off a chain reaction of domino-like falling, immediately prompting her to open her eyes. She groaned softly once again as she tried to figure out where she was. Her eyes opened slowly, taking in her surroundings. Held tightly to her face was Laura’s yellow pillow, clutched in her grasp. _Right. I fell asleep with Laura, who is a cuddler if ever there was one._ As Carmilla’s eyes focused around the room, she noticed the lit screen of her phone sitting on her bookshelf headboard. She groaned again knowing she’d have to get up to halt its infernal racket, even as she contemplated MacGuyver-ing some contraption so she wouldn’t have to get up. Ultimately, practicality won out over a harebrained, half-asleep plan.  

Once she reached her phone, she unlocked it as she shut off the alarm. She was instantaneously greeted with a list of notifications for her social media and she had two notifications informing her of text messages waiting for her. 

**Will (9:35):** Hey Kitty. Have you given anymore thought to just telling her? if you need help both Kirsch and I are here for you. 

Carmilla shook her head. _Nope. No more thought. I don’t want to tell her. I’m not ready for her to know and that’s how it’s going to stay for now. Maybe later I’ll tell her. Though I do want her to love me for me, at this point we’re still getting to know each other; love is probably a ways off. Well maybe not a ways. I’ll figure out the right time to tell her. But it’s got to be on my terms._ Carmilla slid her eyes to the next notification. 

**Laura (9:45):** Hey Sleepyhead! I set your alarm for you. I didn’t want you to miss any of your classes I hope I didn’t set it too early! I’ll see you in class, Carm! I hope you slept well. You make the best and warmest blanket, I hope you know ;P 

Carmilla rolled her eyes as she read the text. _She acts as if she wasn’t doing her best human blanket impression long before either of us fell asleep. This girl is going to be the death of me. Still she didn’t want me to miss class, which is incredibly sweet. Gah. This girl._ Even as her mind ridiculed, Carmilla couldn’t help the smile affixed to her face as she thought of Laura. 

Carmilla dressed and prepared in record time, noting she had just enough time to get a bite to eat before meeting up with Laura at their lit class. Carmilla smiled as she texted Laura and Kirsch. 

**Carm (12:20):** Cutie, you’re so adorably domestic. Setting my alarm clock for me. Don't ever do it again :P Meet you out front of Lit class?

 

**Angry Hottie (12:25):** Hey beefcake get to Lit class earlier than usual, in fact just meet me at Bagels and Bytes and we’ll walk to lit together and meet up with Laura.

**Beefcake (12:30):** Surething Carm-tastic. Is this more distract and divide or is it distract and conquer? I’m never sure. Whatever. I’ll be there in 5. Do I get food for this?

**Angry Hottie (12:32):** feeding you would be like trying to feed an army and there isn’t a country in the world that could afford that army of one. See you there beefcake. 

Laura strolled down the green, her lips pulled at the edges as she looked at her phone, reading a message from Carmilla. _She called me both adorable and domestic. Maybe she thinks of me like that. Well if she finds out I watched that video, that she doesn’t even know existed, god. I need to stop thinking about that. But I wouldn’t want our friendship built on lies. I want her to be able to trust me. God._ Laura was trapped in her thoughts as Danny walked up, playfully shoving Laura with her shoulder. “Hey Hollis. Where’s your head this morning?” 

“Huh? Oh. Nowhere.” Danny face registered firmly in the disbelief category of expressions as she started at Laura. Laura’s eyes held the same glint but it was muted in a way Danny couldn’t describe. “No Danny it’s really nothing.” 

Danny waited a second before letting out a huffed and disbelieving, “uh huh. Whatever.” Danny’s voice edged in uncertainty, sarcasm and disbelief as she continued to stare Laura down, waiting for Laura to break and spill what was bothering her. 

“Really. It’s nothing.” Laura’s voice was tired and tinged with something Danny didn’t recognize. “I’m just thinking about Carm.” 

“Oh.” Danny’s voice came out flat, her face falling as she spoke. “Have you figured out what is up with your freaky roommate? Other than her complete lack of social skills?” Laura flinched as Danny spoke, her voice tainted with vitriol. Laura found herself unable to voice her thoughts as she argued internally. _It’s not your story to tell. Carm hasn’t told you, she sure as hell wouldn’t want you telling Danny. But Danny should know. Danny needs to back off. She needs to chill out, this information will get her off of Carm’s back. Maybe Carm doesn’t need your help getting Danny off of her back. Maybe she can handle this herself. It’s not your job and you need to keep your mouth shut._ Laura’s thoughts pushed back and forth, even as she knew when the outcome of her mental argument would be. “Earth to Hollis.” Danny’s voice broke her out of her mental stalemate. 

Laura shook her head softly once. “I wasn’t even thinking about that.” Laura’s lie sounded flat in her own ears, she was sure Danny heard it too. “I was thinking about all the shows Carm needs to get caught up on and how we can fit them around our class schedule and her work schedule.” Laura’s voice came out peppy and just an octave too high. 

Danny nodded slowly, her eyes lit in suspicion. “Hollis, are you dating your roommate?” Danny’s eyes studied the red sliding over Laura’s features. Laura shook her head vehemently. “Oh get off it Hollis, I know when you’re lying.” 

Laura’s expression soured as Danny spoke. “And what right is it of yours if I am dating her or not, if I am lying or not? It’s none of your business!” Laura made as if to storm off before realizing they were approaching their destination. Her ears perked as she heard Carmilla’s laugh floating gently on the breeze coming from somewhere to her right. 

Carmilla appeared a moment later with a soft nod of her head as Kirsch ran up to Laura, gracing her with a giant hug before immediately launching into so many questions about the book for both Danny and Laura that even if Carmilla had wanted to speak she wouldn’t have gotten a word in edgewise. Laura spared her a quick soft smile and ‘Hey’ before trying to follow the back and forth between Danny and Kirsch. Laura quickly got lost in her thoughts as she struggled to follow the line of questions that Kirsch was pursuing. _She’s smart about it. I’ll give her that. She seems to have a distraction at the ready when she needs one, at least when she’s prepared. Carm’s crafty and brilliant. I’m not even a little surprise. She’s probably been living like this for a while. God, this girl is so impressive. Crap. I’m so screwed._

Laura was so wrapped up in her thoughts she didn’t notice the overwhelming glare Danny was constantly shooting in Carmilla’s direction. She also didn’t see Carmilla silently scoff and flip Danny off. She came back to herself just in time for them to sit at the middle of the room. Laura looked around confused, about to ask why the middle if Carmilla was the one who picked, when Kirsch leaned over, a goofy smile plastered on his face. “Carmi-tastic knows you’re not a back of the room person. She told me we had to compromise so you’d be happier.” Laura’s jaw dropped, she looked around Kirsch to see Carmilla smirk, wiggling her fingers and mouthing a gentle ‘hey there cutie.’ 

It was then that the professor cleared his throat, signaling the start of class. “Today, we continue our discussion of Uncle Silas, I’ll be coming around to group you once again.” As the professor made his way around the classroom pointing out pairs who were to work together for the class period, Laura finally noticed the daggers Danny was staring into the side of Carmilla’s head. A glare that Carmilla seemed completely oblivious to. _Please. Please. Please. Me and Carm. Please. Pair Carm and I, please. Please._ Laura started chanting in her head as she watched the professor go around the room. As he neared them, the chant became more desperate. “You two.” He announced as he pointed to Laura and Kirsch. _Crap._

Kirsch noticed the change in Laura’s face, he leaned over whispering gently. “Little L, I know you have a thing for Carm-tastic, and I’m not the brightest bulb, but don’t worry you only have to be my partner for one class, next class you’re bound to end up as her partner.” Kirsch grinned softly as he waited for Laura’s reaction. 

“Oh. Kirsch, no. I’m sorry, no. It’s not that. You’re a great partner for class. And you know I don’t think of you as dim. You’re a bright bulb I know you are. Don’t ever think otherwise.” Laura’s smile was soft and sad as she realized she hadn’t been thinking and that she might’ve hurt his feelings. 

Kirsch’s grin grew. “No worries little L. We’re cool, I know you didn’t mean it that way. But you do totally have a massive crush on her.” Laura didn’t realize it was possible until it happened but Kirsch’s grin got bigger and goofier, bringing a smile to Laura’s face even as she shook her head in a frail attempt at denial. “So should we talk about this book?” 

Laura’s attention was barely held by Kirsch’s one sided discussion of the reading. The majority of Laura’s mind and attention was on the pair next to them. Danny was in full teacher’s assistant mode, with a few jabs here and there. Carmilla sat back, disaffected, her face pulled tight, her lips in a flat line. 

Laura caught every few words of the one sided conversation they were having as Danny asked questions about the reading and Carmilla shrugged, raised an eyebrow or held statue still. “Do you… theme… Silas?” Carmilla shrugged minutely, prompting a grumble from Danny that Laura couldn’t make out amidst the din of the classroom. “Why… think that… of her uncle?” Carmilla didn’t even make a move to shrug; she sat completely still her eyes watching as Danny’s face reddened. “Have you… done… reading?” Danny’s tone was caustic now; prompting one of Carmilla’s perfectly sculpted eyebrows to climb into her hairline. 

The whole of Laura’s attention was on Danny and Carmilla now, as Danny became more and more exasperated, her tone losing any of the formality it had begun with. “Do you even want to be in this class?” Danny asked loud enough that Laura caught every word. “First, you get special treatment, so the least you could do is actually participate in the discussions we have in class. If you don’t want to be in this class just drop it. There’s no extra work then.” Danny’s voice grew louder. Laura was watching as her face got redder. “Look I don’t know what Laura sees in you. But seriously what is your deal? You have to be so rude? What makes you so special that you’re above even speaking to me?” 

The last question caused Laura to snap. She was out of her chair and in front of the desk in which Danny sat, before she even realized she had moved. Laura looked down at Danny’s red face, feeling the anger crawl beneath her skin. “She’s not rude, Danny!” Laura tried her best to modulate her tone, but was proving unsuccessful. “She doesn’t speak. At all. She’s a selective mute! So stop being such a dick!” Laura screamed the last sentence, using the last of the breath in her lungs, causing herself to pant. Danny deflated immediately, her face dropping and turning a shade as pale as Carmilla, whose jaw had dropped. 

Laura stood between the two panting, her gaze moving back and forth between Danny who looked appropriately chastised, her gaze firmly on the floor and Carmilla whose face flirted the line between hurt and furious. Carmilla’s gaze landed on Kirsch first, who immediately held his hands up in innocence, mouthing ‘Neither me nor Will, dude, I promise’ as he did so.  She then turned her gaze to Laura, anger bubbling in her chest. Carmilla opened her mouth, but nothing came out. She tried again but again there was nothing. _Who told you! How? Why did you have to announce it in front of the fucking class! Fucking Brobdingnag didn’t need to know. I can fight my own fucking battles. You are a selfish callow girl. I was so close to being ready to talk to you. I was so close. You couldn’t have waited? You had to investigate? You had to know!? That wasn’t your decision to make! Goddamnit Laura. I can stand up for myself. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck._ Carmilla’s mind spun, unsure of where to place her anger, where to aim the blame. 

“Carm?” Laura’s voice came soft and tentative, Carmilla’s name a question on her tongue. Laura’s eyes searched her face, reading the emotions written in the lines and spaces. “Oh, shit.” Laura looked around, only to see everyone suddenly, studiously look away. She had drawn the attention of the room. _No wonder she’s mad. Shit. Shit. It was her story to tell. It wasn’t mine. I just couldn’t let Danny keep berating her. It wasn’t my story to tell. Crap. Crap. Crap._ “Carm? I’m so sorry. I know it was me. I’m so, so, so sorry!” Laura forced the words from her mouth as Carmilla pushed herself out of the chair. The anger doing as much to hold her tongue as the usual anxiety was. Laura moved to stand in front of Carmilla, moving to get in her path. Carmilla’s lips stayed in a flat line, her eyes tracing Laura’s form with a mixture of admiration and venom. 

Carmilla moved both of her hands in front of her as if she was picking something up and then moved them to the side. “Move.” 

“Carm. I’m so sorry.” Laura’s voice was frantic. She was set on not letting Carmilla leave, worried she wouldn’t see her again if she let Carmilla go. 

Carmilla made the same motion again. “Move.” 

Laura watched the hand motion for a third time, before Kirsch spoke softly from the desk in which he still sat. “Little L she says move.” 

Laura squared her jaw, looking directly into Carmilla’s eyes. “I know Kirsch, I got the gist and this is me saying no.” 

Carmilla rolled her eyes even as she admired the girl she was coursing with too many emotions to process the girl in front of her. Carmilla looked Laura in the eyes and began to sign. Laura’s eyes dropped to her hands, her face the embodiment of concentration. Laura thought she recognized the last motion. Carmilla stopped and Laura’s eyes flicked to her mocha espresso toned eyes before dropping quickly on Kirsch. 

“Little L,” Kirsch took a deep breath. “She says she needs a walk, she needs space, she needs to think.” Laura opened her mouth to respond but Kirsch shook his head stopping her. “She says that you make things too confusing, she needs to think without you around. And she’ll see you back at your room when she’s ready to process this. But right now you have to move.” 

Laura sighed. “When will you be ready?” Laura’s eyes held steady to Carmilla’s waiting for her to sign and for Kirsch to translate, but Carmilla just lifted her shoulders slightly in a shrug before stepping around Laura and leaving the room. Laura’s gaze followed the girl as she left the now much too silent room. Laura wanted to scream after to, to follow her, to be there for her, but she couldn’t. She wanted to chase Carmilla down and explain everything, her feelings and how she found out, everything, but she had to wait. Carmilla needed time to process without Laura. Laura stayed still in the middle of the room, her eyes searching for the girl who was no longer in the room. Laura felt a long arm envelope her shoulder pulling her into a sideways hug. 

“Hey, Little L. It’ll be ok. You’re probably much too deep in her mind for her to ever dig you out.” Kirsch grinned when he heard Laura’s watery laugh. “You’re only the second girl she’s ever even wanted to tell. So don’t worry too much, just give her time.”


	14. The Aftermath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello Friends and Readers and Folk who want other terms of endearment! I really wanted to get a chapter to you last week. But I got the flu. It was gross. And between work and sleep and attempting to cough up my lung I wasn't able to do any writing (which drove me a little bonkers, writing is a pretty good outlet for me). So I apologize and am happy to say, Here is yet another Chapter! I was floored by your comments on my last chapter, completely and totally floored, and I thank all of you for reading and commenting and leaving me kudos and just thinking good thoughts.
> 
> I've always heard thinking an apology is going to make everything better, is like shattering a plate and saying I'm sorry, the plate is still broken until you take the steps to fix it.
> 
> As usual, I proof this stuff myself, so if you see a mistake, I promise it is my very own and you're welcome to name it and keep it as a pet... or ya know, help a sister out and tell me or pretend it's not there (all acceptable courses of action). And as always, thanks so very much for reading, commenting and for the kudos, feel free to let me know what you think. All the very kind comments and kudos encourage me to keep writing and remind me that people actually read what I write and I most definitely and will always thank you for that. Hope you enjoy!

Laura paced the length of her room once and then again, unintentionally following the path Carmilla had in the video days before, over and over. _Four days. She hasn’t come back in four days. I messed up so bad. She hasn’t been in her own bed, hasn’t picked up her clothes. I didn’t see her all weekend. I guess at least she hasn’t moved out, not that I would blame her if she did. I mean I invaded her privacy. I told everyone something she clearly did not want known. God. I don’t know if she’ll ever even want to see me again. God. I hope she doesn’t hate me. I couldn’t handle that, not that I would blame her. But her face when she left, after I told everyone. I didn’t mean to, but I did, I told everyone. She looked so hurt, she looked so angry. And I put that look on her face; I did that. She said she needed to process. Kirsch said to give her time. That she had to deal with things her own way._ Laura looked at her phone again. She’d been doing her best to let Carmilla have her time and space, but she couldn’t deal with the silence. She allotted herself one text to Carmilla each day until Carmilla responded or returned. So far she hadn’t received a response.

_Four days. I hope she’s ok. I hope I can fix this. I hope that she lets me try to fix this. I know I really don’t deserve it. I don’t. Crap. I wish I could take it all back. That I could make it better. God. I hope she lets me try to make it better._ Laura’s mind swirled. The guilt she felt had been at the forefront of her mind since Carmilla had left the classroom. She’d been moving like a zombie since, merely going through the motions of her day as she worried about Carmilla. _I don’t even know if she’s been to class, or if she skipped classes Friday and today. I don’t know where she is. I can’t even ask her._ Her eyes slid to her phone again, still in hand even as she paced. _Maybe Kirsch has seen her. Maybe he can tell her I’m sorry._ Laura’s face set in a line, determination fueling her every move.

**Little L (14:26):** Hey Kirsch. Have you heard from her? Is she ok? Has she been staying with you?

**Kirsch (14:29):** Sorry Little L. I haven’t seen her. Not since class, Thursday. I’m sure she’s fine. Don’t worry, Little L. She’s probably just staying with Mattie.

Laura frowned as she read and reread Kirsch’s text, feeling a spark of jealousy ignite within her gut. _He said she wanted to tell me and that she’s only ever wanted to one other girl. Is Mattie that other girl? Oh man. The other girl took it better and didn’t blurt it out to everyone in front of class. Crap._

**Little L (14:35):** Who’s Mattie? Is that the other girl she told her secret to?

**Kirsch (14:37):** What? No. Mattie is her sis.

**Little L (14:39):** But when I asked her about her family she only said she was close with her brother. She never mentioned any other family.

**Kirsch (15:01):** Yeah she’s close with Will. She doesn’t see eye to eye with Mattie so much, they have their moments though, they’re really tight. Mattie’s there when Carm-tastic needs her but also a bit like their mother. And Carmilla and her mother are definitely not close. Sorry Little L. I can’t really tell you more than that. Carm-sexy will tell you what she wants when she’s ready.

Laura’s eyes landed on the last sentence of Kirsch’s text, her head already nodding involuntarily.

**Little L (15:02):** No need to be sorry Kirsch. You don’t have to tell me anything. I would rather she want me to know and that she tell me. I’m just worried about her. She hasn’t been back to the room in four days.

**Kirsch (15:05):** I’m sure she’s fine. Don’t worry, Little L, she’ll come around.

Laura read Kirsch’s text with a sigh. _It’s a matter of time. She needed time and space. I just have to wait and be patient. I suck at patient. I just have to focus on something else. I just have to get my mind off the girl who it seems is always on my mind. Well that is probably a lost cause. She’s on my mind for a reason. Crap. I need to work on homework. I can’t get behind. Journalism project. I need to work on my journalism project._ Laura slipped haphazardly into her desk chair, determined to distract herself. As she brought up her notes and tried the focus, her mind had other ideas. _I wonder what she’s doing. Is she in class? Has she been skipping class?_

Carmilla shuffled from one building to another, to the library, and around campus, not fully aware of where she was or what she was doing. She let the day pass slowly, trapped in her own thoughts, replaying conversations she’d had.

_“Carmilla, darling! It’s so good to see you, my little monster.” Matska’s voice was regal and sonorous as she stood in the open doorway, somehow leaning majestically against the doorframe, a deep burgundy dress contrasting beautifully with her rich chocolate skin tone and matching the lipstick gracing her full lips. She ushered Carmilla into the opulent house.  
_

_“Mattie!” Carmilla threw herself into Matska’s arms as a smile slid over her features. Matska took a step back, her hands sliding into Carmilla’s as she took in Carmilla’s form, her eyes grazing over the tousled onyx locks and pale skin before settling on Carmilla’s expressive mocha eyes.  
_

_“What happened now? You don’t grace me with your presence unless someone has done something or you have done something to someone.” Matska’s lips were lifted in a knowing smirk.  
_

_“Nothing.” Carmilla could feel the tightness in her voice as she spoke, she cleared her throat, hoping to relieve some of the tension before she continued again. “Nothing happened. Can’t a girl visit her sister without accusations?”  
_

_“A girl can, m’dear. You, however, darling, don’t. Ever. So, out with it. What trouble has my little monster gotten into now?” Matska waved her hands as she spoke, the knowing smirk still playing across her lips. Carmilla shook her head, not knowing how to start, but knowing the silence wouldn’t last long. Matska wasn’t one to tolerate Carmilla’s silences.  
_

_“Very well.” Matska waited a pause before continuing as if Carmilla’s input was unnecessary. “You’re not ready to talk about it. A change of subject and scenery is in order! How about you and I have a girl’s night! It’s been quite some time since it was just you and me. Remember the fun we had. Not since –”  
_

_“Ell.” Carmilla’s voice cracked as she interrupted Matska’s reminiscent tone.  
_

_“Well, yes darling, but I was going to refer to her as a strumpet or a tartlet or something of the like.” Matska waved her hand in dismissal. “But it’s of no matter.” Matska’s eyes travelled over Carmilla’s face, studying her every flinch and motion as Carmilla’s eyes dutifully examined the floor. “Ok, Angel pants. What her name? And what did she do? It’s a sister’s duty to handle these things as they need be handled. And I am nothing if not a skillful handler, darling.” Matska’s smirk turned predatory as she spoke, waiting for Carmilla to feel ready to talk.  
_

_Carmilla stuttered, somehow both surprised and not that Matska has guessed the situation in mere minutes.  “I. She. There – there’s nothing to handle, Mattie.” Carmilla waited, watching as Matska’s predatorily excited smirk turned into a soft frown before the smirk returned more muted._ Carmilla’s mind jumped to another conversation, keeping her occupied through her class. 

_“So, Gidget, told the gingersnap and the whole class about it? As tactless as my next sentence is going to be, angel pants, why does that honestly bother you? You already told me you wanted to tell her anyway. The little cub reporter saved you that. Granted there are better ways for her to handle things. I think she needs something of a talking to. If you’re angry at her, I could threaten to turn her into a red splotch on the dorm floor for you.” Carmilla’s face set into a frown as Matska spoke, her voice soothing while her words made Carmilla uneasy.  
_

_“You know I wouldn’t let you do that. You don’t need to protect me anymore than she does, Mattie.” Carmilla’s voice was flat as she avoided betraying any emotion.  
_

_“Oh, darling, as if you could stop me. But that response tells me a lot about your mindset, my little monster. You’ve fallen for her; you love her.” Matska’s laughter filled the room, an enormous grin tugging at the sides of her full rounded lips.  
_

_“Whoa. Wait. I didn’t say anything about love.” Carmilla’s eyes widened as she responded.  
_

_“Oh. Come on, darling, I can read you as well as anyone. You’ve fallen hard. You don’t want to admit that it’s love. Fine. But, I won’t pretend. You’re going to forgive her, angel pants, it’s in your nature, you’re a sucker for emotion. It’s enough to give a girl cavities, you’re sweet, though you try to hide it from everyone.” Carmilla frowned, shaking her head, she opened her mouth to speak, but Mattie continued. “Darling, your sweetheart cub reporter needs to learn about boundaries, but what reporter doesn’t, after all.”_

Carmilla heard someone slide into the chair next to her as she sat waiting for her class to start, pulling her from her thoughts. “Yo, C.” LaFontaine lifted their chin quickly in greeting. Carmilla turned, her face blank as she stared straight forward. _Did they tell her? Is that how she found out? Is that why she thought it was ok to tell everyone? What the hell? No. Wait._ Carmilla could feel the anger slithering through her mind. She pulled out her phone, which she had been avoiding for four days. She noticed notifications at the top; she had unread messages. She quickly opened up her memo app, typing frantically. ‘Did you tell her?’ She thrust the phone into LaFonatine’s face.

“Did I tell who? What?” LaFontaine ran a hand through their short copper hair, confusion written neatly over the planes of their face.

Carmilla’s eyes searched their pale ice blue eyes, unsure was she was looking for, but searching intently. She saw nothing, but LaFontaine’s confusion and divided attention as the professor began to speak. She typed out again. ‘Did you tell Laura that I don’t speak?’ She thrust the phone under their nose again with a huff.

Understanding dawned in their eyes as they read, before their eyes landed on her face as she barely contained her anger. They shook their head frantically. “No. C. I wouldn’t do that. It wasn’t my story to tell. I told her to give you time. I told her not to push you; that you’d tell her your story when you were ready.” Their voice hushed and desperate for Carmilla to believe them. “Look, I know how I would feel if someone did something like that to me. When I realized I was gender non-binary, it wasn’t for anyone else to tell my friends or my family, it’s my story to tell and I wanted to be comfortable with them and how they would react before they got to know. It was about my comfort and I know it’s the same, while being a different story, for you. I wouldn’t do that to you. I just wouldn’t.”

Carmilla’s eyes remained on theirs. LaFontaine’s sincerity shown through, their blue eyes glowing with it. They turned their attention to the professor as Carmilla nodded, she opened her mouth. _I want this to be in my own voice. I don’t want to type it. I want to say it. They deserve to hear it. I can do it._ Her voice was cracked and tight, hidden emotion in every word. “Thank you.”

LaFontaine turned their head, a grin gracing their lips and nodded once before turning their attention back to the professor at the front of the room. _They didn’t even make a big deal of it. I spoke and it’s no different to them than if I had just typed it._ Carmilla could feel a smile sliding over her lips. _Now I just have to figure out what to do about Laura._ She finally unlocked her phone and checked her notifications, her eyes traveling over text messages she’d yet to read or respond to.

**Brobdingnag (14:35):** Look. ugh. Sorry for being a dick. Laura was right I didn’t have the whole story.

Carmilla rolled her eyes as she read the text. _Correct ginger giant you didn’t know everything. You made assumptions. Now you learn. Poor apology but whatever. At least she’s more likely to cut the shit with me now._

**Will (15:52):** Hey Kitty. Kirsch told me about class. I swear neither of us told her. I’m here if you need anything. So is Kirsch. Sounds like the ginger goliath got what was coming to her. Just throwing that out there.

Carmilla could feel the smirk sliding over her face as she read Will’s text. _Of course, he had to throw that in there._ She typed up a quick response.

**Kitty (13:25):** Yeah. I don’t know how she found out but she knows now. I will say Brobdingnag’s face turned an impressive side of red darker than her hair when Laura flipped on her. She was like a walking Duracell battery.

She saw LaFontaine begin to pack up their thing out of the corner of her eye. She quickly opened up her memo app again. ‘Do you think Curly Sue would have told Laura?’ She once again thrust the phone at LaFontaine, drawing their attention from their bag. LaFontaine read the text and shook their head.

“She wouldn’t do that to you. She prides herself on being someone all of her floor assignees can come to with any problem, be they boy problems, girl problems, menstrual problems or those of the questioning variety or anything else that could come up. She wouldn’t tell anyone something that wasn’t her information to tell. Specifically, because she wants people to feel comfortable coming to her with anything they might need to.” Carmilla nodded as she packed up her things to retreat from the classroom, a smile fixed on her face at LaFontaine’s response. _I guess I hadn’t given Anne Shirley enough credit._

She turned her attention back to her phone as she shuffled out of the room with a nod to LaFontaine as they parted ways. The next text, she felt shivers slide over her as she saw the name. _Laura._ _She texted. Of course, she texted._ Carmilla read the first of Laura’s texts before moving on.

**Laura (17:19):** I know you said you need time and space. I just wanted you to know I am so so so so so so sorry. I’ll tell you anything you want to know if you ever want to see me again. I hope you do. I mean we have a whole buffy marathon to consider. I mean think of the Scoobies. They’ll miss you as much as I will.

Despite herself, Carmilla felt herself grinning at Laura’s text. Her anger pushed to the side as Laura’s smile planted itself as a mental image in her head. Carmilla’s mind thought back to her last conversation with Matska.

_“Ok, sis, as much fun as it’s been to watch you be all mopey and star crossed. It’s time to stop moping. It’s time for you to work things out with the girl. Your moping no longer entertains me.” Mattie smirked, her posture full of dignity as she let out a soft laugh when Carmilla stuck her tongue out.  
_

_“Mattie. I. She is investigating Mother for her journalism project.” Carmilla cleared her throat, trying again to force the tension from her vocal chords. “I forgot to mention that. But with that and now this whole privacy invasion. I’m not sure I can work it out with her.”  
_

_“Oh, darling, you and I both know you’ll work it out with her. But that’s neither here nor there. Mother’s mercurial nature is no secret. She was written about non-stop through her years as the dean. While I don’t think anyone agreed with her actions, she was generally smart about them.” Carmilla’s hand tightened on the chair she was sitting in and the book she held, causing a crease in the spine.  “Don’t worry your pretty little head, darling, I took care of everything.” Mattie’s lips rose in her predatory smirk. “She’ll have to be a CNN level reporter to get any information without you, Will, the meathead, or I being the ones to tell her.”  
_

_Carmilla nodded, unable to bring herself to speak, though she opened her mouth as if to do so, no sound came out. Mattie waved a hand before her dismissively. “As I was saying, darling. It’s time for you to go work things out with your cub reporter.” Mattie booped Carmilla on the nose with a grin. “And you can pass along a sisterly message from me; if she hurts you, I’ll hurt her.” Carmilla raised an eyebrow in Mattie’s direction. Mattie shrugged simply. “It’s the principle of the thing.” Carmilla scoffed. “Now. Sis, you’re done hiding out here. We, in this family, don’t hide.” Mattie smirked as she turned her back with a gentle “Ta, darling.” She walked out of the room leaving Carmilla to recline on the sumptuous chaise lounge watching her back disappear around a corner.  
_

She pulled herself back from her thoughts as she settled into the chair for her last class and moved to the next text, unsure if she wanted to continue reading in Laura’s thread.

**Beefcake (19:29):** Carm-tastic. D-bear was way out of line. And Laura didn’t mean to. She knows she messed up. Let me know if you need anything. Will and I are here. Carm-sexy ban be damned if you want to hang out here. K, bro?

_That’s right. Crap. I’m still on ban from the Zeta house. Shit. Well I guess Mattie was right, we, in this family don’t hide. That’s right, we avoid._ Carmilla shook her head turning her attention back to the text before her.

**Angry Hottie (16:25):** Thanks Beefcake. Zeta house is a no go. You and Will can meet me after my shift at the library tonight. Bagels and Bytes?

**Beefcake (16:30):** I’ll tell him. Little L cares about you dude, just so you know.

**Angry Hottie (16:35):** I know Kirsch. We’ll talk later.

Carmilla trundled out of her class and down the green as she moved back to Laura’s message thread, steeling herself to read the other messages Laura had sent.

**Laura (9:27):** Morning Carm! I won’t bother you. It just felt wrong not to text you a good morning. I got more cookies and hot chocolate for when you come back. I’m keeping my hopes up with when and not if. See you later Carm.

Carmilla read and reread the text. It was so Laura, so hopeful and yet Carmilla could tell the tone of the text was filled with regret, she could tell Laura had written multiple drafts of it. She didn’t know how she could tell, but she could.

**Laura (9:02):** Good morning! Carm, I hope you don’t mind getting at least one text a day. I don’t even know if you’re reading these. But I miss you. I’m so sorry. And I keep on thinking of more things to be sorry for. If you want, I’ll list them all off for you whenever I see you next. I got more cookies and hot chocolate for when you come back, ‘cause I ate the last ones.

 

**Laura (8:53):** Good morning, Carm! God, I know it’s stupid, you hate me and it’s killing me and all I want to do is talk to you about it because you’re my friend. Probably my best friend. Definitely the only person I would willingly share my hot chocolate and cookies with. I saved you some cookies and hot chocolate for when you come back.

Carmilla’s eyes drifted over the message. _Somehow she stuck to just one text a day. I don’t know whether to be impressed, sad or some combination thereof. She tried to give me space._ Carmilla’s feet paused outside of the library, her attention purely on her phone as she debated whether or not to respond, she didn’t know if she could. _Break the silence? Should I respond? Should I let it be? I have to go back to the room tonight. But, I’m not ready for a barrage of texts from her. It’s not that easy. I can’t pretend like it didn’t happen. I’ll have to sit down with her, soon. We’ll see what happens. Nothing is as it was. Oh how I wish it was. This shift is going to be slow without her for entertainment. But she can’t think everything is forgotten. Because it’s not. It’s not a festering hole. But we need to talk. That’s for sure._ Carmilla slipped her phone into her back pocket without responding and made her way through the library to start her shift.

Laura jumped frantically at her phone as it chirped against the shelf of the headboard. _Please be Carmilla, please._ She fumbled, almost dropping the phone in her haste to unlock it. Her heart climbed into her throat as she hoped and crossed her fingers and unlocked it.

**Danny (17:26):** Laura, I don’t know how to act around her. Like, I sort of get why she didn’t tell me, I wasn’t really nice to her, I didn’t give her a chance. But I don’t know sign language, I don’t know how I’m supposed to talk to her.

Laura groaned as she read Danny’s text. _I know she’s trying. She really is trying. But she doesn’t get it. And maybe I don’t fully get it, but there’s nothing wrong with Carm. And Danny shouldn’t act like there is._ Laura closed her eyes and let her head fall back against her blankets before taking a deep breath and responding to Danny.

**Laura (17:34):** You don’t need to know sign language to talk to her. She can hear fine. I would say act like you usually do around her, but maybe not that, since you’re usually kind of a dick around her. :P Act like you would around me, she’s no different. She’s sweet and smart and fun, sarcastic and playful and thoughtful and pensive.

**Danny (17:40):** Well, Hollis, you clearly have a crush on Elvira.

**Laura (17:41):** Oh shut up.

**Danny (17:43):** Nope. You do and it needs to be announced. ;)

**Danny (17:47):** Look, Laur, I know she might be mad at you, but thanks for telling me. I mean I feel like an ass. She just seemed so rude, always running into me and never apologizing. I mean I get it now. It didn’t make sense before but now it does.

Laura sighed as she read Danny’s text. _She feels like an ass? Me too. Times a thousand. I guess at least one good thing came from this. Danny will stop treating Carmilla like some random asshole. Even if Carm never speaks to me again, at least I accomplished that. Right?_ Laura couldn’t find it in herself to actually agree with that thought. Such negative means did not necessarily result in a positive.

A soft knock emanated from the door drawing Laura’s attention, the door swung open revealing a glowering LaFontaine and a cheerful Perry. Laura’s milk chocolate and cinnamon swirled eyes met LaFontaine’s pale ice blue eyes. She could read disappointment in their eyes, in the set of their shoulders, and the turn of their mouth. Perry stepped forward, a smile taking up the whole of her face, though Laura could tell her nerves were shifted with tension. Perry made it two steps into the room before Laura flopped back on her bed again.

“I screwed up. Big time.” Perry’s frown was her only response as LaFontaine shook their head, walked further into the room and situated themself on the edge of Carmilla’s bed. Perry positioned herself next to LaFontaine, her face a mixture of concern and confusion. Laura looked up at their faces, checking to see their reactions. “I screwed up.” Laura threw her arm across her head dramatically.

“Laura.” Perry’s voice tight and tense, but calm. “What do you mean? How did you screw up? Use your words.” Laura turned her head taking in both of their faces, LaFontaine’s face flat. Laura raised an eyebrow asking a silent question, ‘does Perry know?’ LaFontaine nodded solemnly.

“I sort of found out that Carm is a selective mute. I mean that doesn’t change anything for me, she’s still Carm, but I didn’t find out because she told me. I found out another way. It wasn’t intentional, but it wasn’t the right way to find out.” Laura’s eyes scanned back and forth between the two of them; Perry sat stoically listening to every word while LaFontaine nodded along as she spoke. “And then on top of that I sort of blurted it out in front of everyone in the class we share. I just wanted to make Danny stop being all arrogant and mean. But it wasn’t right. And I knew it wasn’t at the time. I knew it wasn’t my information to share. I just wasn’t thinking. I’ve apologized, but I know that isn’t enough. An ‘I’m sorry’ can’t unbreak the plate. I have to figure out a way to make it better, but I can’t undo what I did.” Laura’s voice broke with frustration and sadness.

“Well, Laura, I hate to move only into clichés, but this is one that is quite appropriate.” Perry’s face was animated, the tension radiating through her. “Actions speak louder than words. So you can say you’re sorry all you like, but you must actually be repentant.” Perry’s face folded into a frown.

“L. you’ve told her you’re sorry, but you have to make her see it too.” Laura opened her mouth her hand ready to gesture. “And no, not just by giving her some of your hot chocolate and cookies.” LaFontaine’s voice was soft and tinged with amusement as they spoke before shifting back to completely serious. “You told her story for her and she wasn’t ready for that. You might need to share more of yourself with her. So she knows more about you. It doesn’t guarantee you’ll get her trust back, but it does help her see who you are. It’s a step. And it’ll be a slow process.”

“I don’t even know what I would tell her for that kind of story, she knows me pretty well. I do know I didn’t mean to do that to her.” Laura’s voice shook, roiling with a mix of emotions. “You saw her today, didn’t you, LaF? Is she ok? Did she look like she hates me?”

“She mainly looked numb, and when she wasn’t numb she looked, I don’t know, hurt. Look, you’ll figure it out, L. You two are good together. She knows it, I can see it written across her face, in the way she smirks and grins when you guys talk and you know it too. You just need to get on the same page. Just be prepared for her to be a little wary about telling you things. You need to let her get comfortable with you again.” Laura nodded recognizing the sage words as LaFontaine spoke. “Ok, Frosh!” Laura jumped at LaFontaine’s abrupt change of tone and volume. “We were actually here to make you eat a real meal. And now I’m pretty sure we’re both convinced now that you need it even more desperately than normal.” LaFontaine eyed the trashcan, filled to the brim with hot chocolate packets and empty cookie packages.

Laura groaned. “Oh hush, just let me eat my misery!” LaFontaine laughed as Perry tutted. “I’m kidding, Perry.” Laura announced, with a soft smile crawling on to her face. _It’ll be ok. I can fix this. Maybe not right away. But I can, sooner or later._ They ushered her out the door quickly.

Carmilla shrugged on her backpack as she made her way out of the library; she’d lingered as long as she could before she finally helped close and lock everything. She pulled out her phone, remembering its silence as she worked. _It was weird not texting her. It’s been weird not being near her. This is just temporary. Mattie was right. She and I will work things out as long as that’s what she wants too._ Carmilla sighed letting her feet carry her to the café to meet Kirsch and her brother.

She let herself fall into the monotony that had taken over her first week in the dorm room as she skirted around Laura’s presence. She slid into to booth in the back corner as Kirsch and Will got their late night snack. Habit had sunk in, Elsie took her order with a confused smile, and rushed it into her hands. It was comforting, the routine, the familiarity of the moment. Carmilla knew her place in this routine, she couldn’t stop herself from thinking of Laura. _We were starting our own routine, building our own familiarity, we were almost there. That comfortable place in a friendship. I think we can get back there. I hope we can._

Kirsch and Will slid into the seats next to her. Each of them wearing a mask of nonchalance as they waited for her to be ready to speak. Will raised his hand in greeting, waiting for Carmilla to nod. She let out a soft sigh and nodded, wondering if they were going to jump straight into questions or if she would be spared that. Will raised an eyebrow at her nod and waited. Kirsch was quietly digging into the sandwich before him.

“Well. Obviously she knows.” Kirsch and Will swallowed chuckles, muffled against sleeves and napkins. They waited again. “I don’t know how, and that bugs me.”

Will nodded slowly as he chewed, she felt no pressure to continue. She took a deep breath, letting it out in an audible exhale. “Not to sound like a therapist or anything, but I have to ask how do you feel about her knowing, Kitty?”

Carmilla let out a gently chuckle at his question. She bit into her sandwich, taking her time chewing as she thought about his question. _I hadn’t actually thought about that. How do I feel about her knowing?_ Carmilla searched her own mind, eating in silence as she did so. _Relieved. I feel relieved. She didn’t treat me any differently. Nothing changed between us. I don’t know how long she knew, but no matter if she’d known for days or weeks she treated me the same. And while I didn’t need her to help me, she stood up for me against the ginger tower, instead of taking her side. I guess I feel good that she knows. Uneasy about how she knows and the fact she shared the information, but the fact that she knows? I think I’m ok with it. Even comfortable with it I guess. Huh. Good to know._

Will waited patiently for her respond, a smile climbing on to his face as she begin to smirk behind bites of her sandwich. “I guess I feel good. I’m ok with her knowing. I’m pretty comfortable with the idea. I mean I was almost ready to tell her. I was trying to build up to it. I had given myself time to get used to the idea of her knowing.” Will nodded his smile turning to a knowing smirk.

Kirsch grinned his usual puppy dog grin. “I’m sure Little L would be excited to know that. She’s been fretting since Thursday. Not just about the fact that she knows but she’s told me a few times how badly she messed up.” Carmilla’s eyes dropped to her sandwich, she wasn’t sure originally how she felt about Laura knowing, but Laura telling the Danny, and subsequently the class, lead to no confusion about Carmilla’s feelings. “Hey. Carm-sexy. I know, like, she didn’t mean anything by it, bro. I know it’ll be, like, super hard, but give her a chance to, like, make it up to you or something. Little L definitely has that, like, heart of gold thing you always hear about. And she cares, like a lot, about you, bro.” Carmilla nodded, unable to keep the grin off her face. _I wonder if he knows typically heart of gold only follows questionable attributes like hooker… with a heart of gold or assassin… with a heart of gold. Well, if he doesn’t know I’m not going to tell him._ While Carmilla thought, the conversation changed to Zeta party plans and fundraising.

They prattled on. Carmilla watching as Will and Kirsch joked back and forth. Occasionally, she joined in, but for the most part she let herself revel in the familiarity of the whole scene, enjoying the comfort she’d come to know from her two favorite idiots.

Carmilla slipped quietly into the dorm room, glowering at the hinges as they squeaked under her careful ministrations. Laura was curled into a ball on her side, her breath soft and even. Carmilla watched the rise and fall of her chest, letting Laura’s steady breaths lull her into the comfort and calm she had started to find in their room. She cleared her throat delicately. “Look, cupcake. I’m so glad you know.” Carmilla paused as Laura stirred, her arms tightening around something black. Carmilla raised an eyebrow as she looked closer. Laura was curled around her pillow, it wasn’t just her pillow; there snug between the pillow and Laura’s chest was Carmilla’s leather jacket. Carmilla felt a grin climb over her features. “I’m glad you know. But I hate that you told the coppertop giant, I know you didn’t mean to tell the class, but you meant to tell the ginger giant. I know your heart was in the right place, but it hurt. Still does.” Carmilla sighed. It was hard to talk to Laura when Laura was unaware of anything. _She doesn’t know I’m here._

Carmilla stood moving around in the darkness. She heard Laura shift and stir again. She heard the leather rub against the fabric of the pillow Laura held. “Mmm Carm I’m sorry. Please don’t go. Please stay. You promised you’d stay. I’m sorry.” Laura’s voice came soft and slurred, filled with sleep, getting smaller and sadder as she finished her words.

Carmilla’s eyes landed on the girl again as she whimpered softly. “I know, cutie. I do. I’m still not going anywhere.” Carmilla’s voice was barely a whisper drifting across the room as she turned back to the bedclothes she hand pulled out. She made her way to the bathroom, letting the silence envelop her.

“Carm! No! Wait! Carm! Stop! I! No! NO, No, No! Get away from her! Carm! Come back!” Laura’s voice rang through the room weighed down with sleep, but tinged in terror. Carmilla stopped in her tracks, her eyes widening as she heard Laura again. “No! Carm! She’ll hurt you. I can, I will. Let me go instead. Please Carm! Please!”

Before Carmilla could think, she’d dropped her clothes at the bathroom entrance and she was crossing the room in two steps. “Laura. Laura. Hey. It’s ok. Laura.” Her hand landed on Laura’s shoulder shaking her slightly. “Laura. Hey Laura.”

Laura’s eyes shot open. “Carm?” Her sleepy eyes were blurry and glazed, but they landed on Carmilla in an instant. “Carm!” The relief in Laura’s voice was palpable, Carmilla could feel it in her gaze, as she moved her eyes from the top of Carmilla’s head down to her waist and back up again, searching. “Oh Carm.” Laura lunged forward pulling Carmilla into a hug before she was awake enough to stop herself. “Carm. I’m so glad you’re ok. I’m so glad you’re here.” Laura’s voice was husky with sleep, her words rushed and muffled, but Carmilla could hear the emotion in every syllable. She sighed softly as Laura’s arms tightened around her. _I didn’t realize how much I missed this._ Laura let go reluctantly, slipping back into her bed. “Oh Carm. I’m sorry. I.”

Carmilla waved her hand cutting Laura off, she turned her back. “It’s ok creampuff. Go back to sleep. I’m safe, you’re safe. It was just a bad dream.” Carmilla’s voice was soft; surprising herself as she hadn’t put any effort into speaking, it was just there.

“Ok, Carm. I’m glad you’re here. Goodnight, Carm.” Laura’s reply was sleepy as she drifted back to sleep, her arms slithering around Carmilla’s pillow and leather jacket once again. Her breaths becoming slow and steady again.


	15. Talking and Temerity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Greetings all! Today we take the steps to glue that damn plate back together. By which I mean, here is another chapter! Also, I write odd chapter notes, I am just noticing this, but they amuse me, so I'm going to keep on keeping on, as they say. Ya'll keep being you because you're teh awesomeness! Thanks for reading!
> 
> As usual, I proof this stuff myself, so if you see a mistake, help a sister out or pretend it's not there (both acceptable courses of action). And as always, thanks so very much for reading, commenting and for the kudos, feel free to let me know what you think. All the very kind comments and kudos encourage me to keep writing and remind me that people actually read what I write and I most definitely and will always thank you for that. Hope you enjoy!

Carmilla could feel the sunlight encroaching on her dreams, blazing behind her eyelids, the angry sound of her alarm pulling her toward consciousness. She tried to dig in her mental heels, fighting consciousness tooth and nail, she wanted desperately not to face the day. _Come on. Let me sleep, world._ She shifted burying her face in her pillow, Laura’s pillow, the scent rousing her more elegantly and completely than any alarm ever could. _I don’t know how this pillow still smells like her. As far as I know, it’s been on my bed since we had our last Buffy marathon night._ Carmilla inhaled gently, breathing in the somehow soothing scent, the air after a thunderstorm swirled with cinnamon cookies and a hint of berries and cream. _Laura._ Carmilla groaned, thoughts of Laura’s smile mixed with her face after her nightmare the night before rushed through her mind. _I just. I don’t even know how to feel right now. I spoke to her, I want so desperately to be able to do that on a consistent basis. But I know it was simply the circumstances, I hope she doesn’t expect differently. She probably doesn’t remember that, anyway, she was half or completely asleep. I want to be as comfortable in her waking presence as I am when she’s sleeping. When the sound of her breathing is as soothing as the rain falling on a skylight in the middle of summer. God. Mattie was right. I am a sap. Fuck._

Carmilla’s alarm continued to sound as she groped blindly for it, intent on quieting its incessant bleating. Carmilla sighed with the success of setting her hand on the phone. Swiping her finger across the screen to halt the alarm’s sound, she let her eyes flutter open, letting the sunlight in with a groan, her eyes landing blurrily on the screen in her hand.  She blinked a few times, letting the world around her come into focus. At the top of her phone, she had three message notifications. _Same shit, different day. I guess I better get this day started._ She pushed herself up sitting on the edge of the bed, her eyes settling on the empty bed across from her. _Laura._ She flicked her thumb over the message notifications, Laura’s being the first she cared to read.

**Laura (8:24):** Good morning, Carm! I can’t even tell you how happy I was to see you this morning, even though you were sleeping. After my dream last night, I’m glad you’re back, you look good all peaceful and calm and stuff.

**Laura (8:25):** Wait, no. that sounded creepy. I wasn’t watching you sleep, I swear. But I am glad you’re back and I hope you stay. :) I’ll see you at class, right?

Carmilla sighed gently, a smile tugging at the edges of her lips, before dropping completely, as Carmilla’s mind dredged up Laura’s sleep filled muttering. _Carm! No! Wait! Carm! Stop! I! No! NO, No, No! Get away from her! Carm! Come back! No! Carm! She’ll hurt you. I can, I will. Let me go instead. Please Carm! Please! What the hell was she dreaming about that she had to protect me? I need to ask her about that._ Carmilla moved to the next message, shaking her head, trying to clear her mind of Laura’s scared, sleepy muttering.

**Will (10:20):** Hey Kitty. I talked to Mattie, she told me to tell you that to put you at ease, though she thought it unnecessary, she put a trip line on the news reports and files about you, me and Mother, so we’ll be alerted if anyone accesses them since they should be properly sealed.

Carmilla’s heart sped as she read the message, her grip involuntarily tightening around the phone until her knuckles were white. _She thought it was unnecessary. Of course she did. But she also did it, so I guess I can’t be overly annoyed with her about it. She is such a lawyer, lives in the world of cover your ass, sometimes she’s just too much like mother._ Carmilla shuddered at the thought, noticing as she did that her knuckles ached with how tightly she was gripping her phone. She took a deep breath, slowly peeling her fingers off of her phone. _I don’t want to think about her or any of it. I don’t want to think about her or any of it._ Her mind repeated over until her breathing and heart had calmed.

She moved about the room getting ready for the day, her mind vacillating between thoughts of her mother and Laura calling out in her sleep, scared and desperate. She felt ill-at-ease and nauseated as she grabbed her backpack and shuffled out of the dorm, her mind replaying scenes from her childhood and Laura’s scared voice interchangeably as she made her way to class.

“Hey Carm-sexy!” Kirsch’s voice broke through the din of her thoughts, bringing her out of her trance. She looked up at him with a lazy wave, trying to plaster her usual smirk on her face, trying to bring back the veneer of indifference. _Unaffected. I need to be disaffected. Especially for this class._ She sighed as he caught up to her, his giant puppy-dog grin faltering. “You ok Carm-tastic? You look, uh, like, super pale. Like, you’re normally pale, but this is, like, a step above your, like, usual paleness, or whatever.” She shook her head slightly; she wasn’t ready to speak and at this point with the thoughts pummeling the walls of her mind she couldn’t speak if she wanted to. Kirsch waited for her response, walking beside her in silence for a few minutes. She shook her head again, when his concerned eyes landed on her. “Oh. Ok dude.” Kirsch’s grin leveled as he thought, before he spoke again.

“So, like, Theo got booted by the Greek council this morning.” His grin climbing back over his features triumphantly. “He’s also, like, got to take a bunch of, uh, sensitivity courses before the council said they’d even consider letting him re-pledge. I don’t see him ever re-pledging since he’s, like, in his senior year. Well that, and like, Zetas already declared him, like never allowed near the zeta house, and, like because no other fraternity will touch him since he’s all, like, black-marked, or whatever, now.” Carmilla felt some of the tension leave her shoulders as he spoke, knowing he was perfectly content to fill the silence for her. “So.” He drew out the word into multiple syllables, his grin growing the whole time. “You’re no longer banned, dude, from, like, the house. If you want to hang out again, dude, like we’re back in business.” He threw his arm around her awkwardly.

She laughed lightly, as she shook his arm off, a smile pulling at the edges of her mouth. _Well, I’ll give the beefcake one thing, he knows how to be just the right level of ridiculous._ Carmilla felt her muscles relax further, the tension in her vocal chords almost gone as Kirsch prattled on about anything and everything, wearing his big goofy grin. As they near the classroom, the tension was back. Kirsch glanced over, noticed her sudden stiffness. _It’s just class. Nothing has changed. So they know, it doesn’t matter. I don’t have to speak. I just have to go in. I can do this. Breathe. 1. 2. 3. 4. 4. 3. 2. 1. Repeat._ “Hey dude, not to ask, like, a stupid question, but, are you, like, ok?” Kirsch leaned in, his voice soft, his arm back around her shoulder, pulling her closer to him in a protective gesture. She nodded against his side, but didn’t move away from him this time.

They closed the gap between where they had been and the classroom door in a few steps. Kirsch insistently chattering on, trying to relieve the tension that was so obvious in Carmilla’s muscles, her jaw clenched and unclenched. _Nothing has changed._ Kirsch took his arm away, letting Carmilla walk through the doorway first. The room instantaneously silenced, any conversations that were ongoing stopped the second she entered the room. All eyes landed on Carmilla standing in the doorway. Her breath ragged as she moved, trying not to think of everyone staring at her, keeping her head down, trying to make herself smaller as she went. 

**SLAM!**

Carmilla’s head shot up at the same time the class’s collective heads turned in the direction of the sound. Carmilla’s eyes moved to the source of the sound as well, landing on milk chocolate and hazelnut swirled eyes lit over a small, shy, almost apologetic smile tugging at pale pink lips framed by butterscotch and whiskey toned hair.  _Laura. Thank you, cutie._ Laura looked around the room at every eye that was on her. “Oops. Sorry. I dropped my book.” Laura held up the massive textbook that had been the source of the sound with a soft laugh; her voice was light as she looked everyone in the eye, her eyes virtually challenging anyone to turn back and look at Carmilla. Gradually, the eyes fell away from her, landing on the person next to them or the front of the classroom. Carmilla let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding, moving forward again. 

Kirsch nudged Carmilla’s shoulder as she walked to where Laura sat, her feet carrying her of their own volition. “You going to sit next to Little L today?” Kirsch’s voice was soft behind her, trying not to draw the attention of the class again. Carmilla shrugged slightly, unsure what she was going to do. Laura’s turned her head as if she’d heard her name, her eyes landing on Carmilla’s caramel flecked mocha toned eyes. Carmilla’s eyes took in every millimeter of Laura’s face; there was a hint of worry tainting the soft, cheerful smile that pulled at Laura’s lips, her eyes betrayed all of the emotions that swirled through them. Worry. Fear. Concern. Happiness. Wonder. Admiration. Remorse. Sadness. Laura’s eyes churned with emotions, Carmilla couldn’t stop herself from reading. 

Their eyes remained on each other as Carmilla stopped in front of the desk next to Laura. “Hey Carm.” Laura’s voice was soft and cautiously joyful as she looked at the chair next to her before moving her eyes back to Carmilla’s, the invite clear in the movement. Carmilla nodded her greeting and slipped into the chair next to Laura, a soft smirk pulling at her lips when Laura’s smile grew. Laura noticed Kirsch slide into a chair on the other side of Carmilla a moment later. “Hey Kirsch.” 

Kirsch grinned. “Hey Little L! What’d you think of the end of the book? I just don’t get it.” Laura laughed lightly as Kirsch leaned forward in his chair. “I mean, that Silas dude was gnarly. He was all, like, murderous and plot-y but then he just goes all, like, drug happy or wait, maybe he went all drug happy ‘cause his plan, like, failed. Huh?” Laura laughed again as she nodded in acquiescence. 

Danny slipped into a chair on the other side of Kirsch with a grunt. “What are you on about now, popped collar?” Her voice tired, as her gaze avoided Carmilla altogether. 

“Summer psycho.” Kirsch nodded brusquely, his voice lacking his usual excited tone in her presence, drawing her attention, her eyes widening. Carmilla sighed softly watching the scene. _Beefcake, just let it go. Let it go, littlest dudebro, let it go._ Kirsch continued to give Danny the cold shoulder treatment, not saying a word to her, not letting his eyes land on her, as the professor started class. 

“I’m going to break you guys up again, for our final discussion of Uncle Silas.” He looked around the room, his gaze landing on Laura and Carmilla. “You two. And you two.” He spoke as he pointed to Laura and Carmilla and then Danny and Kirsch. His voice sure and confident as he continued to move around the room, creating pairs. 

Kirsch exhaled audibly, agitation in his every movement as he turned his desk toward Danny. Laura began to move, as well when Carmilla stood and smacked Kirsch on the shoulder. “Hey! Dude!” Kirsch looked around, realizing he was about to draw attention and lowered his voice, clearing his throat. “What was that for, dude?” Carmilla held out her phone to him quickly, letting him read before taking it, turning and walking back to Laura. “Fine. I will. I just, like, dude, she was in the wrong.” Carmilla nodded, but held her phone up again, pointing to it as if reminding him what it said from where she was seated across from Laura. Kirsch sighed again and nodded. “Fine. I will. I got it, dude.” The displeasure clear in his response. 

Laura watched the exchange, confusion climbing over her features. Carmilla turned back to her with a sigh. “What did you say to him?” Laura asked, her voice laced with cautious curiosity, her eyes meeting Carmilla’s. 

Carmilla rolled her eyes, but held her phone out to Laura, sliding it across their touching desks. ‘Let it go, beefcake. She’s already got to deal with new information changing her world view. Not everyone is what she thinks they are and that’s something she has to wrap her overly righteous mind around. So, let it go.’ Laura’s eyes widened, as she read Carmilla’s comment to Kirsch. 

She smiled as she handed Carmilla’s phone back to her. “Carm.” Laura paused, unsure if she should continue or not. “I’m sorry, Carm. I really am.” Carmilla’s face was blank, her eyes stared straight forward at Laura. She nodded gently. She opened her mouth, but knew nothing would come out. She looked down at her phone with a frown. _I wish I could just speak. How did you find out? I wish I could just get the words to come out._ She typed slowly and held the phone out to Laura deliberately, her eyes alight with the question she was asking. ‘How did you find out?’ 

Laura looked down at the phone’s screen, reading intently. She looked up at Carmilla, worrying her bottom lip with her teeth. “I.” Laura’s voice shook, she cleared her throat. “I accidently left my computer camera on after I worked on my journalism project. It recorded you, Kirsch and Will talking.” Laura’s words were tentative, fearing Carmilla’s reaction. Carmilla’s eyes widened, compelling Laura to continue. Her words came fast and unsure. “I didn’t mean to. I didn’t even know I had recorded you. And I know I shouldn’t have watched it. I don’t have an excuse. I did watch it though. I heard Kirsch say that you should tell me about your selective mutism. And I know that’s not how I should have found out. I should have waited for you to tell me. I should have waited for you to be ready. And I’m so sorry about that.” Laura took a deep breath as Carmilla looked down at her phone. “And I’m sorry I told everyone, Danny included.” 

Carmilla’s fingers flew over the screen. She didn’t look up at Laura as she typed. She haphazardly thrust the phone across the desks, putting it under Laura’s face. ‘I can’t say I’m pleased with how you found out. But I’m glad you know. What else did you learn from that video?’ Laura read the screen to herself, smiling at the beginning before raising her eyes to meet Carmilla’s, Carmilla’s right eyebrow raised in askance above her mocha stained eyes.

_She wants to know what else I learned from the video. What else did I learn from the video? Crap. I kind of only focused on that once I found out. Should I tell her that? Wait, I did hear Kirsch say that she’s into me. And he told her that I’m into her. I can tell her that. What else? Oh wait, there was something about her mother. What was it? I don’t know._ Laura worried her bottom lip, her face pointed at the desk, as she looked up through her lashes at Carmilla. “I mainly focused on the fact that I learned you’re a selective mute.” Laura lifted her head her gaze landing on Carmilla’s, speaking nonchalantly, as if she was mentioning off-handedly that Carmilla had brown eyes. Carmilla couldn’t contain her grin as Laura spoke. “I learned that you’re maybe really into me, if Kirsch is to be believed.” Carmilla’s lips went flat, uncertainty lacing her gaze as Laura’s grin widened when she spoke. “Which is to say if Kirsch is to be believed, he also told you that I’m super into you.” Laura could feel her cheeks heat, the heat moving from her cheeks down her neck and up over her ears, as Carmilla’s lips pulled up in a self-satisfied smirk. “I also heard you mention your mother, but I don’t really remember much of that.” 

Carmilla froze, the smirk falling off her face in an instant, her grip falling to the desk, the knuckles white in seconds. “Carm?” Laura’s voice was hesitant as she watched every muscle in Carmilla’s body go rigid. “Carm?” Laura slid her hand across the desk and over top of Carmilla’s. Carmilla felt the immediate heat warming the knuckles on her hand as Laura slipped her fingers between Carmilla’s, lifting her hand from where it gripped the desk and intertwining their fingers. “Carm?” The combination of the soothing tenderness of Laura’s hand in hers and the warmth in Laura’s voice calling her name, snapped her out of it, the tension leaving, slipping slowly away.

“I remember.” Carmilla froze again, Laura’s voice soft and somewhat sad. _She learned something about mother. Shit. Fuck. What did she learn? What did we talk about that day?_ “I remember now that you can’t talk about her. Sorry, Carm. I didn’t mean to bring up a sore subject.” Carmilla felt Laura’s thumb massaging a circle on her pale porcelain toned skin. She let out an audible exhale. Carmilla had been on edge since she woke up, but she could feel Laura slowly pulling her back from that edge each time Laura’s thumb circled her hand. Carmilla’s eyes finally landed on Laura’s face which was pulled in concern as she waited for the tension to leave Carmilla’s jaw.

Carmilla opened her jaw slowly, hoping to leach some of the tension from it. Laura soft smile returned, as her eyes fell to their still interlocked fingers. “I can’t even tell you how happy I was to see you were actually in our room this morning.” Laura’s voice was soft and shy. “I was worried you’d never come back. But you did. I thought I had dreamed you there, waking me from my nightmare last night.”

_She’s not going to ask why I’m not speaking now. She’s not going to question how I spoke to her then, but not now. Thanks for that, Cutie. I don’t think I would have been able to put up with that. Maybe she gets it. Maybe we will be ok._ Carmilla felt the smile tug at the side of her mouth at her thoughts, before she let out a faint exhale, turning her attention to the phone in her hand, not daring to break the connection she had to Laura, she typed with just her thumb. ‘What were you dreaming about? It sounded pretty terrible. It also sounded like you were trying to protect me. Which, just so you know, you don’t need to.’

Laura looked down at the desk the smile falling from her face. “I. I dreamed. Ugh. There was this girl.” Laura stuttered, her gaze not meeting Carmilla’s. “She looked just like me. She was mean and cruel and a raging b –” Laura looked warily around the room, her voice quiet when she continued. “Bad person. She was a raging bad person, but she looked just like me. She was telling you, asking you, convincing you to go with her. And you said you couldn’t tell us apart. So you started walking away with her. And I just wanted to protect you from her. I kept telling you she would hurt you and that you shouldn’t go with her. I tried to get her to let me go in your place, but.” Laura’s voice cracked, she looked at Carmilla through watery eyes. “But. But, I think she was me. Because I hurt you, Carm and I was trying to protect you from myself.”

It was Carmilla’s turn to be comforting, her thumb sliding over Laura’s soft, sun-kissed skin in soothing circles and lines. _She’s worried about hurting me. She probably had that dream because I disappeared. I didn’t come back to the room for three days and she was worried I never would. She was worried she pushed me away or something. Fuck._  Carmilla dropped her attention to the phone in her other hand, her thumb moving over the keyboard rapidly. ‘Hey Laura. No. You didn’t mean to. I know that. And she’s not you. You’re not a… raging bad person. You’re smart and cute and sweet and adorkable. Don’t worry. It’ll be ok. We’ll be ok.’ Carmilla gently placed the phone under Laura’s gaze, which had dropped back to the desk. Carmilla waited a moment hoping Laura wasn’t just staring blankly at the desk.

Carmilla heard Laura sniffle, so she redoubled her effort to comfort the girl, her thumb tracing the lyrics to the first song she could think of on the back of Laura’s hand. Laura looked up, her nose and cheeks red, soft sniffles emanating from her. “Do you really think we’ll be ok, Carm? I didn’t mess up everything too badly?”

Carmilla smiled as she looked at their clasped hands before she reached across the desks and picked up her phone. She typed a quick message. ‘Yeah, Cutie. I think we’ll be ok. If I didn’t think that, I wouldn’t have come back to the room last night.’ She placed the phone in front of Laura again who was wiping her eyes with her free hand, both of them loath to remove their hand from the other’s. Laura’s gaze landed on the phone briefly before she turned her gaze on Carmilla, a genuine smile sliding over her lips.

Kirsch cleared his throat loudly next to them in an attempt to grab their attention. Carmilla looked up, slowly tearing her eyes from Laura’s, to see the rest of the class had packed up and was moving towards the door. “Hey little L.” Laura turned her gaze from Carmilla to look up at Kirsch. “Why don’t you walk Carm-sexy to her next class? I’m sure she’d be ok with that.” Kirsch grinned goofily while staring at their still twined hands. “And you can, like, continue the discussion of the book that, like, you guys have been so deeply, like, super, engrossed in.” Carmilla lifted her free hand and flipped him off hearing his instantaneous chuckle, before reaching across the desk and picking up her phone.

Laura looked down at their hands, slowly pulling hers away, feeling immediately like she’d entered a building after being outside in the sun. “Can I?” Laura’s voice was timid when she spoke, drawing Carmilla’s attention. Carmilla raised her eyebrow, questioning. “Walk you to class?” Carmilla smirked with a nod as they both shoved their books and notebooks into their bags. As they walked toward the door, Kirsch in front of them, Carmilla felt Laura’s hand slip down her wrist and back into her own. She bit back on a grin as their fingers tangled together. _Yeah, cupcake. We’re going to be ok. We’ll get back into our routine, the familiarity we were working on. We’ll figure this all out._ Carmilla and Laura walked down the green hand in hand, Carmilla’s other hand holding her phone to answer the inevitable questions Laura asked.

“What’s your next class?” Laura’s eyes on Carmilla as they walked. _We just fit. Her hand and mine. It just fits. She thinks we’ll work it out. She doesn’t think I’m a bad person. God._ Laura took a deep breath filling her lung as if she hadn’t taken a deep breath in nearly a week. Carmilla sighed softly at the question turning her gaze to the phone as her thumb traced out words.

‘If you’re going to ask questions, sweetheart, you have to keep me from running into things as I respond. That’s the name of the game.’ Laura nodded, but didn’t turn her gaze from Carmilla, a sweet smile gracing her pale pink lips.

_This girl is going to be the death of me. I’m sure of it. In fact I’m sure she’s going to let me run into things, since she doesn’t appear to be paying attention to where we’re walking. But, I can’t believe how easy it is to hold her hand. I kind of don’t want her to let go, ever. Her hand just fits so perfectly._ ‘Next class is Design in Visual Art.’ She held the phone out to Laura.

Laura’s eyes moved over the screen before her grin widened over her face.  “Oh, Carm, that’s so cool! I didn’t know you were an artist! Why aren’t there art supplies all over our room?” Laura’s voice turned teasing, bringing a smirk to Carmilla’s lips. “I mean everything else of yours is all over our room.” Laura grinned at her comment, as Carmilla sighed, trying to hide the snicker bubbling up in her throat, turning her attention to her phone again.

‘Why, sweetheart, I have no clue what you mean. Our room is the picture of modern organization and cleanliness.’

Laura looked over at the phone as Carmilla typed. She snorted as she essentially read over Carmilla’s shoulder. “Organized chaos maybe.” Sarcasm laced Laura’s voice as she responded, pulling a laugh from Carmilla. Laura reveled in the sound as Carmilla came to a stop in front of a building Laura had never been to before. Laura looked around, taking in their surroundings as they stood in front of the arts building, pristine white columns lining the front steps, made the building look like they’d taken their last step out of a time machine. Carmilla gestured over her shoulder, still reluctant to drop Laura’s hand.

Laura smiled, leaning forward and placing her lips quickly to Carmilla’s cheek. “Ok. Have fun. Uh. Bye.” Laura’s voice rose an octave as she smiled again, slowly letting go of Carmilla’s hand and turned to walk away. _Yeah we’ll be alright cupcake. Now I just have to figure out how to get you to stop researching my Mother and we’ll be perfect._ Carmilla watched Laura leave, definitely not checking out her ass as she walked away.


End file.
